Designer Dogs (Good News Week 14/7/08: Strange But True)

Inner-city Sydney is seeing a boom in luxury pet products due to the rise in households with high incomes, no children and no taste.

Many upmarket Sydneysiders are dressing their dogs up in designer clothes, sunglasses, and sometimes even fetish gear. Because upmarket Sydneysiders are, in general, twats. / really, really fucked.

Dogs are now getting organic food, designer label clothing and acupuncture. Yet they still bark! They’re never satisfied.

Many dogs are now fed organic food. It makes for a really high-grade crap in the park.

Many dogs are now fed organic food. It really impresses the other dogs down the park when your arse smells organic. / gourmet.

Domestic animals in Sydney are more and more frequently being given all the luxuries their human counterparts enjoy. Not only are they given expensive beds, designer clothes, and organic food, but many of them drive their convertibles to high-powered executive jobs in the city.

They’re given designer clothes, organic food, and some of them are even allowed to keep their balls.

But animals think it’s too little too late. All the designer clothes in the world won’t bring back their testicles.

Some owners refer to their pets as “fur children”, and find that they can embarrass and humiliate them almost as much as real children.

Some owners refer to their pets as “fur children”, and hope that, one day, they’ll make them proud fur grandparents. / and hope that one day they’ll give them fur grandchildren.

Some owners refer to their pets as “fur children”, and one day hope to send them to fur university.

OK, so they’re your fur children. But that doesn’t mean they need designer clothes – they have FUR!

But if you really love your “fur child”, you wouldn’t be dressing it up in designer clothes. You’d let it choose for itself. / choose its own ensemble.

On one hand, these people call their animal companions “fur children”, and claim to love them more than anything in the world, and on the other, these “fur children” are all torn away from their real parents at birth, bought and sold like objects, and have their genitals surgically mutilated as the norm. Let’s just hope these people never have real children… / And you should see their real children.

Many of these upmarket folks are actually jealous of their animal companions. They can fur with a clear conscience.

Of course dogs love designer clothes. They rip so easily.

The dogs actually get the best of both worlds. Not only do they now get acupuncture, eat organic food, and can wear designer clothes, but they can still lick their own balls.

Buying their dogs such extravagant gifts is actually part of a trade. Their owners are hoping that, if they pamper them enough, their dogs might one day teach them how to lick their own genitals.

How have dogs lived so long without sunglasses? No wonder there are so many blind dogs.

You can buy a $660 designer bed for your pooch. There’s even enough room for you to curl up at the foot of it.

Some of the dogs are even getting acupuncture. Although, most of the time it’s just because their owners throw the stick into the rosebush. / It’s what happens when you play fetch too close to the cactus farm.

A Kings Cross sex shop even sells pet-sized fetish wear. Can’t see what’s wrong with that.

A Kings Cross sex shop even sells dog “fetish wear” – coz sometimes a muzzle’s just not enough.

A Kings Cross sex shop even sells dog “fetish wear” – fake leather French maid outfits. And if your dog takes a shine to that, why not get some puppy handcuffs, pooch lube or a little doggy buttplug? / little doggy anal intruder? / little doggy dildo? / little doggy gimp mask? / little doggy nippleclamps? (Of course, with a dog, you need 8 of them.)

There’s even dog-fetish-wear, which people put on their fur children before they commit fur incest.

There’s even dog-fetish-wear. Because there’s nothing that says “I love you, my child” better than a fake leather French maid’s outfit.

Many of these people prefer “fur children” to real children. For some reason, when you strap your real child into a fake leather French maid’s outfit, people think you’re weird.

Of course parents of fur children not only have to clothe them, they have to school them. Some are now holding prestigious academic posts. (Dog-tors.)

Some dog-owners buy single-serve organic meat on a daily basis for their pooches. I thought the purpose of a dog was to eat the eyes, gizzards and testicles. / While their owners love nothing more than a big bowl of Chum.

I think it spoils dogs to feed them fresh daily organic meat. Why aren’t they just allowed the simple pleasure of Goodo, like their owners?

But why shouldn’t domestic animals be given the same quality food as humans? After all, back in the day, when a pack of wild dogs would take down an antelope, it was almost certainly guaranteed to be organic. / After all, it’s very hard to find a pack of Goodo in the wild. / After all, it’s very difficult to find any creatures eating meat-flavoured hydrolysed protein nodules in the wild.

We asked some dogs to tell us what they thought, but they told us all questions had to go through their agent.

I know my dog’s reaaally appreciative of his designer clothes. He keeps barking “Relp re! Ry owrer’s rinsane!” I think he’s trying to say “I love you.”

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