Bushomobography (Good News Week 14/7/08: Odd One Out)

President Bush is thinking of writing a memoir. He just needs to work out what all them squiggly wordy-symbol-things mean and he’ll get cracking.

Bush reckons he can do all the drawings if someone can handle the rest.

He says he’s always been an avid reader, and he’s read all the classics – everything from “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”, to “Yertle the Turtle”. Although, “Yertle” is a little bit complicated.

He says his book is going to be a bit like “Yertle the Turtle” – only, instead of Yertle, it’s going to be him. And instead of other turtles he climbs up on, it’s going to be the Iraqi People. / the American People. / the Future of the World.

He says his book is going to be a bit like his favourite book, “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” – except, instead of a caterpillar, it’s going to be a man called George Dubya Bush, and instead of eating through one apple, two pears, three plums, and four strawberries before turning into a beautiful butterfly, he eats through Afghanistan, Iraq, and Iran, before turning into a retired billionaire! / eats through one Afghani, two Iraqis, three Iranians, and the entire American people, before turning into a professional golfer!

Bush says he’s always wanted to write an automobography.

President Bush is planning on writing a memoir. Well, he’ll get Dick Cheney to write it for him.

He would’ve written his memoirs earlier, but thought he’d wait for it to come out on DVD first, and watch it for ideas.

Bush is writing a book. It’s a colouring-in book. / It’s a popup book.

Bush’s book is full of surprises. Why there’s a different pop-up on every page!

Bush’s book is already coming along really well; he’s hardly ever gone outside the lines. / and maybe, when he’s finished it, he might write one!

Bush’s book will finally tell the truth behind why the US insisted on war against Iraq – he’s an illiterate idiot.

It’ll tell the riveting story of how Saddam’s pet goat Osama flew planes into the twin towers and how the mighty Presnidet missioned his accomplish.

He says he’s basing it on his favourite novel. It’s going to be called “The Very Hungry President”. / “Noddy and the Pentagon”. / “Miffy Runs the Country”.

He’s calling it “Where’s Osama?” / “Iraq, Iran, whatever”. / “What Rumsfeld told me to do”. / “What Cheney said”. / “I get to sit in the Big Chair”. / “They let me invade whatever I like!” / “Man, being President is even better than smoking crack!” / “I’m President, So There”. / “I Meant Weapons of Measly Destruction”.

Dubya’s book is a response to former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s memoir claiming the White House misrepresented the truth about Iraq. Bush says the opposite is true: the truth misrepresented us! It’s the truth’s fault! / See, it turns out the truth’s on the side of the terrorists too.

Dubya’s book is a response to former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s memoir claiming the White House misrepresented the truth about Iraq. Bush says the truth was inaccurate to begin with. / Bush says that truth about Iraq is nothing like whatever that guy wrote in his book-thingie, and that he’s probably a terrorist anyway, and stinks like poo.

Dubya’s book is a response to former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s memoir about the White House propaganda campaign for war against Iraq. McClellan’s book is called “What Happened”; Bush’s book will be a definitive response: “Shit Happened”.

Dubya’s book is a response to former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s memoir about the White House propaganda campaign for war against Iraq. McClellan’s book is called “What Happened”; Bush’s book will be called “How the Sam Hell Should I Know?” / “I Was Taking My Nap – Go Ask Cheney.” / “Scott McClellan is a Terrorist.” / “I’m President And You’re Not, So Nyer Scotty No-Friends.”

He’s about to get started on writing his memoirs, as soon as he can work out how the pen plugs into the monitor. / which end of the crayon to use. / how you spell “nookyular”. / how to spell “Dubya”. / how to use these new-fangled “pencil” thingos. / how you’re meant to get the words to stick to the computer. / how to get the words into the computer machine.

It’s going to be about a proud, honest man who leads his country into a golden age of freedom, security, and prosperity. Yes, it’s a work of fiction. / He just loves fantasy books. / It’s going to be a comedy. / Come to think of it, that would’ve been a good way to run the country. Goldarnit!

It’s about a redneck hick who strikes it lucky in the oil-business. He’s basing it on the Beverly Hillbillies.

Bush’s book will lay out the rationale behind going to war with Iraq, and will be called “I Knew We’d Get The Oil”. / “Where Else Were We Going To Get Oil From?” / “He Tried To Kill My Daddy”. / “Trying to Impress Daddy Bush”. / “Maybe if I Impress My Daddy He’ll Tell Me That He Loves Me.”

Bush’s book will maintain that there really were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Something sure created some mass destruction there.

Bush is going to explain the arguments for going to war with Iraq. He really did believe there were WMD, you could tell just by looking at Saddam, with that evil moustache. And there were obvious ties between Iraq and al Qaeda – just look at that moustache, will you? And Iraq were procuring nookyular weapons… that’s a nookyular moustache if ever I saw one! (It’s called “Moustache of Mass Destruction”.)

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