Your GPS controls your car (Good News Week 14/7/08: What’s the Story)

The NSW Government is trialling an in-car GPS system that cuts off fuel flow to engines when it detects the driver is speeding. And when it detects another driver is speeding, it automatically flips them the bird. / it automatically honks, flips them the bird, overtakes them, slows right down, gets out, and throws the first punch.

Because, when a car is hurtling down the road at excessive speeds, there’s no better way to say “slow down” than make part of their car stop working.

It is a better system than their first attempt, where the car just blows up. Although they did manage to sell a few to the Iraqis…

The device compares your current speed with the speed-limit of the road you’re on, and cuts the fuel until you’re going the correct speed. Which is all very well, unless you’re trying to overtake a semi-trailer.

It’s about time the Global Positioning Satellite system is actually able to control your position.

I’ve got a better idea – instead of cutting the fuel when a car is speeding, cut the brakes. I guarantee drivers will drive safer if they know that, any second, they’re trapped in a speeding metal death-trap. / coffin.

The device will sound an alarm and activate flashing lights when the speed limit is exceeded. Because when a car is hurtling down the road at excessive speeds, what you really want is to startle the driver. / give the driver a sudden shock. / is make the driver panic.

The device will sound an alarm and display flashing warnings when motorists exceed the speed limit. It’s like being pulled over by a cop inside your car. / It’s like being pulled over by a cop inside your car. And if you want to really live the experience, you can also yell drunkenly at yourself, confiscate your own license, and rough yourself up back at the station.

It’s definitely going to make police pursuits a lot less exciting. Unless they install the systems in the cop cars too. But even then, wow, two cars going exactly the same speed. Gripping.

Not only can the car reduce your speed to the correct limit, but it can turn down your doof to a sensible volume, and reveals to the world the actual length of your tiny little penis.

If the GPS determines you’re speeding, it cuts off the car’s fuel flow. And if it determines you’re drink-driving, it cuts off your fuel flow.

The GPS reads road speed-limit data and determines if you’re speeding from them. Although if it malfunctions it could just cut off your fuel until you stop. And then you’ve got to hope the GPS repairer will come to you, or you’ll just have to buy a new car.

The best thing about these automated car systems is that they can never malfunction, get a bug, or breakdown. You know, like computers.

Alternate models just yell abuse at you or bash you in the head.

Of course, if the device malfunctions, you can be forced to go 120 in a 60 zone. / 40 on the freeway.

It’s so cool they’re doing something exciting with all those satellites and GPS systems. Because just building cars that have a maximum speed of 110 is unthinkable. / clearly too obvious. / way too practical.

Should we really be handing control of our car’s speed to a machine? Press down on the accelerator and you hear “I don’t want to do that, Dave.” / “I think you’ll find it’s a sixty zone, Dave.”

The device also has a built-in tool to tackle climate change. If sea temperatures rise more than 2 degrees it cuts the fuel off for good.

It’s also a great way to tackle global warming. If the GPS detects a fossil fuel, you ain’t going nowhere, buddy.

Great. So now we’re all going to be driving around inside remote control cars. Somewhere, there’s a big kid going “wheeeeeee!”…

The wonderful thing is that if all new cars get these systems installed, eventually everyone will be connected to the same GPS system which can control their cars. Then it can steer everyone to their destination through the optimum route! And traffic accidents will be eliminated altogether! And the Government will finally know exactly what everyone’s doing!

All that talk of Star Wars Defense Initiatives and Robot Space Spies was nothing but fearmongering – they’re just using all that tech to make our roads safer!

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