The Relaity Behined the Headlions (Good News Week 14/7/08: monologue)

Some unusual news stories on TV this week. (Play “gulity” clip.) You can tell he was gulity. He had that gulity look in his eeys.

Although the man has been found gulity, the judge is still finding it difficult to pass an appropriate sentence. Or even use the word “gulity” in an appropriate sentence.

He’s been found gulity and will have to do sven yeahs in pirson.

Once found gulity, the judge sentenced him to goal.

The man was found gulity, in an unaminus decision from the judy.

That’s right, the jury found him completely gulity. That means gullible for believing they’d found him guilty.

Right up to the end he protected his icconence.

It turns out it was just a typo. He was actually innotence.

His lawyers had made a convincing case to find him not guilty, but they didn’t think to plead not gulity! Ah ha! Got ‘im on a technimicalitoid.

Of course if the news says it, it must be true. So the criminal walked free, but will never rid himself of the stain of being gulity.

Not only was the man gulity, but the judge said she’d never seen such rampant gulitiousness.

Not only was the man gulity, but he’s also been charged with goitering. / goitering with gulitious intent.

The judge said that, not only was the man gulity as charged, but that he showed no remorts for his crimse, and, if not apprehendant, would no dobut have reoffengerd.

(“Obestiy” clip.) Yes, the Obestiy crisis! Scientists are falling over themselves trying to work how to solve it, and more importantly what it is.

Overweight people are desperate for more details on obestiy, and in particular whether you can eat it.

The great thing about the obestiy crisis is it means that Australia’s actually the world’s fittest nation.

Not only does Australia have an obestiy epidemic, but many of us are osecondbestiy too. / oworstiy.

It’s the latest scourge: Obestiy! Obese people engaging in bestiality! I strongly recommend you don’t Youtube it.

Yes, the Obestiy sicris! Nillioms of Autsranials are owerveight, with Autsrania renectly maned the taffest nitaon in the dworl. (squint, puzzled, at autocue) Sorry, in the lwerd.

An obestiy crisis! As if we haven’t got enough problems with an obesity crisis! To say nothing of the literacy crisis. / proof-reading crisis.

Many scientists believe that the obestiy crisis is caused by people not getting enough sizer ex. / sexer eyes.

(play “protect the whales” clip) Chile is desperate to protest the whales, those most digestic creepers of the Croation. / those most meniscus preachers of the bleep.

But of course we should protest the whales! And the best way we can protest them is to stop the Japanese poonharping them.

We do need to protest the whales. They’re wiping out the poor, defenceless krill.

The Japanese government has backed moves to protest the whales, and are even suggesting putting placards on the ends of their harpoons.

Well, to be fair, it’s SBS, we’re lucky the subtitles are even in English.

The weird thing is, in Chilean “protest” doesn’t even sound like “protect”.

Not only was the man gulity, were Australians suffering obestiy, and were the whales in need of protesting, but apparently there’s a raw going on in Irqa. / there was a recent earthquack in Chain. / we still haven’t found Obama bin Ladle. / George W Busk is about to retile from orifice. / Robert Oohbaby won a spam of an erection in Zambesi.

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