Good Next Week (Good News Week 28/7/08: closing)

Tues, July 29
Tomorrow sees the release of a national survey of adult oral health. Apparently it’s healthier if you spit. Toothpaste, people, toothpaste.

Tomorrow sees the release of a national survey of adult oral health. Needless to say, it’s an oral survey.

Tomorrow is NASA’s 50th anniversary. In a statement to mark the occasion, John McCain says he’s heard of these rocket thingies but they’re all a bit newfangled for him.

Tomorrow is NASA’s 50th anniversary! Let’s hope that when it tries to blow out the candles, they don’t explode.

Tomorrow is NASA’s 50th anniversary! And you know it’s not going to celebrate with wild sex: its rocket of love tends to explode upon re-entry.

50 years of NASA will be celebrated tomorrow with a 21 astronaut salute.

Tomorrow is NASA’s 50th anniversary! And those rocket scientists know how to party! / And to celebrate, they’re having a series of informative lectures and releasing a best-of DVD! Those guys really know how to party!

Tomorrow’s 50th anniversary of NASA will act as a top notch anaesthetic.

It’s 50 years since NASA was established, and 25 since they made contact with aliens. I mean didn’t make contact with aliens.

Wed, July 30
And on Wednesday, at the National Press Club, Defence Minister Joel Fitzgibbon will show everyone exactly where his gibbon fits.

Thurs, July 31
Thursday is the 60th birthday of Woman’s Day, and to address the overt sexism of that publication, they’re going to launch Man’s Day. It’s full of titty!

The 60th birthday of Woman’s Day will be celebrated with hot flushes and the unwanted flourishing of chin-hair.

And Thursday sees the launch of “Continence Awareness Week”. The launch was actually meant to be a secret, but someone leaked…

Thursday will see the Launch of Continence Awareness Week. Don’t go, it’s pissweak. / It’s not very spectacular – in fact, it’s pissweak.

Thursday sees the launch of Continence Awareness Week. There’s seven of them I think.

J.K. Rowling will turn 43, and start penning “Harry Potter and the Midlife Crisis”. / and the Onset of Arthritis”.

J.K. Rowling will turn 43, and develop a rather nasty hogwart.

J.K. Rowling turns 43. And I thought she was over 100.

Fri, August 01
The World Air Guitar championships will take place in Finland, and will be won by a shredding metalhead who’ll celebrate by burning down an air church.

The World Air Guitar championships will take place in Finland, costing the promoters thousands when one of the contestants smashes his air guitar into some very expensive air Marshall stacks.

Sat, August 02
The Gold Coast will host the Australian Karaoke Championships. It’s like Idol for ugly people!

Saturday’s Australian Karaoke Championships on the Gold Coast will go horribly wrong when someone swaps the sing-along CD for the Best of Cannibal Corpse.

Saturday’s 2008 Freud Conference in Brisbane will be spoiled by too many competing egos, superegos and ids.

Brisbane plays host to the 2008 Freud Conference. Mummy! / Such egos.

Sun, August 03
National Missing Persons Week will turn out to be a happy occasion, when most of the missing persons turn out to be incredibly lifelike dolls.

Next week is National Missing Persons Week, so if any of you persons know of any missing persons, there are persons who want to know.

National Missing Persons Week will be marred when no-one turns up.

Next week is National Missing Persons Week. So if you are missing, perhaps pop along let them know you’re OK. Although then you will lose out on getting your own week. It’s a toughie.

Sunday will mark 30 years since “Grease” was released, and 29 years since the release of unsuccessful sequels “Lard” and “Lithium Soap Jelly Emulsified With Mineral Oil”.

It’s 30 years since “Grease” was released, and they still haven’t found the tanker responsible.

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