McCain the luddite (Good News Week 28/7/08: Warren)

US Presidential candidate John McCain has admitted he never uses email and has to be shown websites. In fact he doesn’t even own a computator. / one of those adding machines.

He says he doesn’t use the internet. In fact, he gave up interfishing years ago.

It’s no big deal. The current president can’t even pronounce “computer”.

He says he may not be able to use a computer, but what can they do that you can’t do with an abacus and a decent slide-rule?

It’s best McCain stays off the Internet. He doesn’t want to see what they say about him out there.

It’s best McCain stays off the Internet. At his age, one glimpse of fisting_livestock.com would kill him. / sheep_orgies.com would kill him. / chickenfuckers.com would kill him.

McCain’s staff insist that “you don’t necessarily have to use a computer to understand how it shapes the country”. There’s nothing a President shouldn’t be able to do with old-fashioned tin cans and twine.

McCain’s staff insist that “you don’t necessarily have to use a computer to understand how it shapes the country”. But it helps if you know what they are. / if you know they don’t run on steam. / if you know that you don’t have to wind them up.

The web would just be a distraction for a President, what with all its content from other countries.

The internet’s not really suitable for American presidents. It’s a bit multi-lateral. / It’s full of content that is just un-American. / It’s not unilateral enough.

He says he knows plenty about computers. He’s even been checking out pet shops for a new mouse.

He would use the computer more, but none of the pet shops have been able to sell him a laser-mouse.

McCain is only just getting his mind around this whole “telephone” thing.

At 71, McCain’s amazed by computers. How does the TV thing know what the typewriter’s saying?

McCain says he’ll set up one of those internets as soon as he gets the telegram explaining how. / cablegram explaining how. / hears how to on the wireless.

He’s not sure he should get an intern-et. Look at the trouble Clinton got into with his intern-et.

He does keep up with political scandal website the Drudge Report. Because he may not need to use the world’s primary communication tool, but he doesn’t want to miss out on any hot goss.

McCain said he doesn’t expect to be a great communicator. But you don’t need to communicate if you’re leader of the free world.

McCain said he doesn’t expect to be a great communicator. He just wants to be a great bombernator. / He says it should be enough just to be a great thingamabob.

McCain’s aides said he didn’t need to use a computer to understand the effects they had. Also they didn’t want him to see his own website, looks pretty dinky. / it’s sponsored by anal_milfs.com.

McCain’s opponent Barack Obama has mobilised the internet as a grassroots fund-raising tool. But McCain realises you can raise funds just as easily by rattling tins on street corners. / by wearing a sign saying “will govern for money”

But a president doesn’t need to know how to operate a computer. All he needs is to know is how to press a single big, red button.

McCain says he doesn’t need to use the internets, and also he doesn’t want to block up the tubes with any more of the electromailings.

Why would a president need the internet? That would only result in so much time wasted doing tedious fact-checking and research.

McCain doesn’t use an email, or a BlackBerry. Though he’s pretty sure he’s eaten one. / In fact, he tried talking into blackberries when he was a young ‘ un, and they never replied.

McCain doesn’t use an email, or a BlackBerry. Though his wife does make a mighty tasty email pie.

Sure, McCain’s heard of email, but he didn’t realise you could use it to communicate.

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