Mon, August 04
Barack Obama turns 47. There’s no way he can be senile enough to be President.
It’s 150 years since first game of Aussie rules, and 149 years since they decided it would be even better with a ball. / though back then it was more like Aussie no-rules.
Tues, August 05
Tomorrow, the head of ASIO speaks at Bond University: Gold Coast. Might be worth taping. Just for a modicum of revenge.
On Tuesday, the Head of ASIO will speak at Bond University on the Gold Coast, wearing a fake moustache and hiding behind a newspaper.
Tomorrow in Perth there’ll be a talk on hospital reform from the Federal Ageing Minister. If she can find her teeth. / She’s just turned 41 but she’s definitely ageing.
Wed, August 06
On Wednesday, Wayne Carey faces charges of assaulting police, resisting arrest and generally being pretty wayncarey.
On Wednesday, the Sex Discrimination Commissioner will addresses a business breakfast in Canberra – ladies bring a plate.
On Wednesday, Western Australia Newspaper Holdings announce full-year results, which will state that a full year is a bloody long time to be holding a newspaper.
Thurs, August 07
On Thursday the Government will respond to the biofuels report by seeing how it burns.
Thursday sees the Government’s response to the Biofuels Report, which will be basically “Um, what are Biofuels?”
On Thursday the Government will announce that while they will not approve a biofuel system, they’re happy to encourange a BYO-fuel system.
Kevin Rudd leaves for China on Thursday, though he’ll leave his pro-Tibet pack in the airport. Accidentally of course.
Kevin Rudd will leave for China – he’s eager to get himself some dog-free, genetically-altered, doped up, no-fun, anti-Mongolian, cloud-seeded Olympic Spirit!
Fri, August 08
The Beijing Olympics begin at 8pm on the 8th of the 8th, 2008. And if it rains, time will be placed on hold so as not to spoil the numerical beauty.
The Olympics will be sadly marred by gangs of feral dogs that would ordinarily have been eaten.
China’s strict control over all aspects of the Olympics will result in severe restrictions on dangerous sports like the 100 metre sack race.
Sat, August 09
On Saturday, the “International Day of the World’s Indigenous People” will be marked by the displaced and impoverished indigenous peoples of the world getting together and going, “great, you’ve given us a day, whoopty fucking doo.”
On Saturday, the “International Day of the World’s Indigenous People” marks the global trend of Western culture taking other peoples’ land, culture, and resources, and giving them a day.
On Saturday, the “International Day of the World’s Indigenous People” will be taken over by white people and turned into a polluted wasteland. / an expensive superficial rubbish dump. / a barren world void of meaning.
On Saturday, the “International Day of the World’s Indigenous People” will be marred by the Northern Territory election.
Saturday’s Northern Territory election will determine which party gets to be overridden by Canberra for the next four years.
Saturday is the Australian “Rock Paper Scissors” championships. Go Scissors! / I always go for Paper.
The first day of competition for the Olympics will potentially draw some attention away from the Australian championships of Rock Paper Scissors.
Sun, August 10
On Sunday the International Transplantation Society congress begins – entry costs just one kidney.
And, at the last minute, Sunday’s “International Transplantation Society” congress is taken out of Adelaide, and put in Sydney, where it continues to function normally.
And Sunday’s “International Transplantation Society” congress will be rejected by Sydney, and they’ll have to find another congress donor.
Mon, August 11
Canberra next Monday holds a hearing into gas & petrol excise, if anyone can afford to make it.
Monday’s Hearing into Income Tax Law Amendments will discover we’ve all being doing it wrong and actually owe the government millions.
And Monday’s Hearing into LA Law Amendments will be delivered about twenty years too late.
On Monday, Telstra will announce their full-year results, though it’s going to be announced by the dad from the Bigpond ads. Hopefully he can make their profits sound convincing.
Commonwealth Bank announces its full-year results. Turns out it’s been a bank the whole time.
Commonwealth Bank will announce its full-year results. Their profits will be impressive, but they’re really ahead of the pack when it comes to their collection of souls. / when it comes to soul-collection. / sacrificed first-borns.
Sat, August 16
National Science Week will hold a special symposium on the Olympics. Take home a sample bag of masking agents!
Saturday sees the beginning of National Science Week, which will be celebrated by making a systematic, careful collection of measurements, then tabulating, graphing, mapping, and performing statistical manipulations on them.
And Saturday’s launch of National Science Week will go horribly wrong when they find it impossible to experimentally verify the existence of “National Science”, nor the exact scientific definition of “Week”.
On Saturday, Madonna will turn 50, and still she insists she’s like a virgin.
On Saturday, Madonna will turn 50 – not like a virgin now, are ya Madge.
On August 16, Madonna turns 50. She’s still a material girl, though not much of the original material is left. / She’s still a material girl, it’s just that instead of leather and satin, it’s old wool and doilies. / Now when she gets into the groove, she needs help to get back out of it. / Let’s face it, these days she’s a Grandmadonna.
