Categories
Good News Week

Airline cutlery too heavy (Good News Week 4/8/08: What’s the Story)

Airlines are taking drastic measures to save weight and cut fuel costs, thinking even of cutting back on plastic cutlery. Yeah, maybe instead of that heavyweight plastic cutlery they can make knives and forks out of paper. Or feathers.

To reduce weight on planes, some airlines are thinking of scrapping their knives and forks, and, on some flights, forcing their passengers to drink from a hose squirted at them by the flight attendant.

To reduce weight on planes, some airlines are thinking of scrapping their knives and forks, and asking all their passengers to drink from the same bottle. / to share the one beer.

Airlines are thinking of scrapping their knives and forks, mainly to reduce weight on planes, but also to force their passengers to eat like pigs. / to snuffle for their food in a trough like swine.

They’re also looking at minimising the amount of water they have on board. Hey, if they want more water, they can just crash into the ocean. / splash land.

They’re also looking at minimising the amount of water they have on board. Which is a real problem for the fire-fighting helicopter Elvis.

They’re also looking at minimising the amount of water they have on board. Pah – there goes my mid-flight swim. / the mid-flight diving. / my mid-flight skinny dip. / the mid-flight synchronised swimming.

They’re also looking at minimising the amount of water they have on board. Damn – my favourite part of flying has always been splashing about on the waterslide.

As well as getting rid of knives and forks, the airlines are asking their passengers to travel naked.

And no more lead boots for the pilots.

They’re also thinking about cutting back on in-flight entertainment. Some of those dramas are just so heavy. / From now on, the movies will all be really lightweight. / From now on, nothing but light comedies.

Another weight-saving plan is to take out some of the in-flight entertainment features. Those blockbusters weigh a ton.

Another weight-saving plan is to take out some of the in-flight entertainment features. It’s no longer economical to carry 15 radio studios on every plane. / They’re thinking of replacing the 15 radio studios on every plane with some kind of pre-recorded thing.

Virgin is happy with some aspects of the situation – at least now they have a valid reason to only hire the most petite air-hostesses. / to only hire air-hostesses who are really slim. / fit. / slender.

They’re trying “every means necessary” to reduce fuel costs. The most fuel-efficient method so far seems to be letting the passengers take as much luggage as they want on board, but just not taking off.

US airlines have even been taking out seats to reduce the weight of their planes. Seemed a better idea than taking off the wings. / And those wings are pretty heavy too.

United Airlines have been taking out seats to reduce weight. And if fuel gets much more expensive, they might have to get rid of ALL the seats. / get rid of the passengers too. / get rid of the whole cockpit.

United Airlines have been taking out seats to reduce weight. But don’t worry, they have installed handrails. / they’re very comfortable rugs. / the floor is carpeted.

United Airlines have been taking out seats to reduce weight. Some flights are now standing room only.

US airlines have even been taking out seats to reduce the weight of their planes. And to make room for their passengers’ rank obesity.

Mark Erwin from Continental Airlines said services would be the last thing to disappear from the carrier. Although there may not be stewards to serve it, or a plane to sit in. Still, the latest movies… / Still, almost worth it for the free eye-mask.

Petrol costs are sending airline costs spiralling, but why cut down on cutlery? Wouldn’t it be better to just convert to LPG? / to upgrade to hybrid planes?

They also want all passengers to fast for the 24 hours before, and to urinate just before boarding.

Maybe they should dump all that fuel. That must weigh a ton.

As well as getting rid of their knives and forks, the airlines may do away with splades, fishknives and teacosies too.

They’re trying “every means necessary” to reduce fuel costs. One method is taxiing to the end of the runway, then asking the passengers to get out and catch a taxi. / get out and walk. / get out and push. / get out and see how far they can throw it.

US airlines have even been taking out seats to reduce the weight of their planes. And to make room for their passengers’ rank obesity. / But it’s not the seats that are weighing them down – it’s the obese arses sitting in them!

US airlines have even been taking out seats to reduce the weight of their planes. Now, people are hoping for a window-poof. / window-mat. / window-cushion. / window-clamp. / window-beanbag.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

Leave a Reply