Penguin Colada (Good News Week 20/10/08: Animal Magnetism)

The latest casualties of climate change are a group of penguins who ended up migrating to Brazil. The unusual detour was primarily caused by warmer-than-normal ocean currents, although many of the penguins also wanted to check out the hot Brazilian chicks. / were hankering for a pina colada. / had their hearts set on dancing the samba.

399 Magellanic penguins have had to be flown and shipped from Rio down to Patagonia after warmer than normal ocean currents forced them further North than usual and onto a Brazilian beach. The alternative was to shave off their tux and give them a tropical holiday.

The locals were keen to help, and many had their photos taken with the penguins. And it’s not often you see a picture of a penguin with a Brazilian.

The 399 penguins were flown and shipped from tropical Rio down to chilly Patagonia, protesting the entire time. / despite their constant pleas to stay. / despite actually really quite liking the place.

They had to be returned to their natural habitat, as much as it they were enjoying the cocktails. / wild nightlife. / cocktails and cigars. / doing the limbo.

They had to be returned to their natural habitat – there was just no way they could properly hold a pina colada with their stiff little wings.

The penguins would never have survived in Rio. That black and white makes them look so stuffy. / means they can only attend formal functions – and we all know how much penguins love to party.

They wouldn’t have minded staying in Brazil, but amongst the macaws, flamingos, hummingbirds and toucans they felt a little drab. / being a flightless black and white fish-eater just didn’t cut it.

Biologists are beginning to suspect that the penguins weren’t misled by ocean currents at all. They began to become suspicious when, as soon as the exhausted penguins washed up in the beach, they immediately ran to a bar and ordered 399 tuna coladas.

Most of the penguins were flown South on an Air Force jet. Meanwhile, the army were holding back an invasion of sparrows.

The remaining 31 penguins were taken south by ship. Although unfortunately it was leaking oil, which wiped out thousands.

The penguins were flown over three thousand kilometres south in a Brazilian Air Force Jet. Makes our evening “penguins parade” look pretty lame. / Now that’d spice up that pissy little penguin parade at Phillip Island. / What a way to migrate!

The Phillip Island penguins have downed tools, demanding that for their next parade they be given at least a military escort.

The penguins were flown over three thousand kilometres south in a Brazilian Air Force Jet. The penguins have now decided that they’re never going to migrate the old-fashioned way again.

Most of the penguins were flown South on an Air Force jet. It was like Top Gun with Happy Feet. / meets Happy Feet.

Most of the penguins were flown South on an Air Force jet. They were very surprised to see you could use wings to fly.

Most of the penguins were flown South on an Air Force jet. It was the most serious attack Brazil has suffered in years!

Most of the penguins were flown South on an Air Force jet. Now that’s extraordinary rendition.

A spokespenguin said “Sure, Brazil’s not like the ice-floes of home, but what a soccer team!”

When asked about the migration error, a spokespenguin said “Whattya mean ‘error’? Maybe you don’t know the south pole like we do, but lemme tell ya – it’s fucking FREEZING down there!”

Brazil doesn’t want a bunch of penguins hanging about! They may have happy feet, but that doesn’t make them any good at soccer.

Of course, Brazil should have kept the penguins. Imagine how their soccer team could have benefited from all those happy feet!

399 of the penguins accidentally ended up at a Brazilian beach. And one penguin reached his actual destination in Patagonia, stood up and said “Where is everybody?”

They just knew they should have taken that left at Alburquerque.

All in all, the most exciting migration they had for years. Next year, they’re thinking of migrating to Hawaii.

If they headed much further north they might meet some polar bears going the other way…

If the phenomenon is due to global warming, this may not be the last time hundreds of penguins are washed up on Brazilian beaches. Which explains the beach’s sudden influx of cigar-chomping polar bears…

Interestingly, they actually arrived in Brazil in July, and we’re only hearing about it now. “Just a coupla months lounging about on the beach – then right back to migrating, I promise.”

They actually arrived in Brazil in July, and have only just been shipped back. Figured they might as well catch a few rays first.

Brazil is determined to prevent the penguins washing up again next year, so they’re coating the nearby ocean with a thick layer of oil. Environmental tragedy averted!

So maybe global warming isn’t happening. Here, have a penguin.

It turns out the real culprit wasn’t climate change at all, but that the penguins were accidentally smiled at by a baby. And when a baby smiles at them they go to Rio.

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