Lips trump air kisses (Good News Week 20/10/08: Blow Up Your Pants)

According to the London Daily Telegraph, the lip-to-lip kiss has now replaced the air-kiss as the new social handshake. And the actual handshake has been replaced with the Dirty Sanchez. / with the “2 in the pink, 1 in the stink”. / with social penetration.

London’s Daily Telegraph has reported the results of a study that finds that the new air kiss is the lip-to-lip kiss. And air guitar is also being replaced by Hendrix-style guitar pashing.

Apparently so much bad breath meant that air-kissing was actually destroying the ozone layer.

Air kissing has lost its currency as there was a dilemma of how many times to do it, resulting in some tragic stand-offs where people were stuck air kissing one another all night.

A kiss on the lips is one way of ensuring that the type of person who would ordinarily be air-kissing shuts up.

So now kissing on the lips indicates you have no sexual interest in someone, you have to indicate interest by a bit of frottage, or a full-on grope.

The new lip-to-lip kiss isn’t about sexual attraction. To show someone that you find them sexually attractive nowadays, you have to go the grope. / it’s straight to digital penetration. / you have to quickly bang ‘em up the wrongun.

Lip-to-lip kissing is no longer a sign of sexual interest in someone. And a tongue down the throat? Still a bit ambiguous.

The new lip-to-lip kiss isn’t about sexual attraction. To show someone that you find them sexually attractive, you just hand them your card.

The new lip-to-lip kiss isn’t about sexual attraction. To show someone that you find them sexually attractive, you’re better off ignoring them altogether and going home alone.

And nowadays, nothing says “I love you” more than a good fisting.

Of course in London it’s probably safer to kiss someone else than risk kissing the air – you don’t know what you might catch.

Apparently the lip-to-lip is even common for heterosexual men to give each other. After all, there’s nothing more manly than mutual pash-rash.

The article asserts that the lip-to-lip is even common for heterosexual men to give each other, and cites rugby players as evidence. And there’s nothing remotely gay about a group of strong burly men getting together in tight shorts and sticking their heads up each others’ arses.

Even rugby and football players kiss on the lips these days, which gives it the seal of approval for men. Especially gay men. / Unless they’re all gay! Oh no!

The article asserts that even heterosexual men give each other lip-kisses, and cites rugby and football players as evidence. Well, it’s either evidence of that, or evidence that rugby and football players are actually gay.

Even rugby and football players kiss on the lips these days, and it’s true, these days you rarely see an on-field air kiss. “That goal was divine, daahling, mwah mwah!”

Apparently, the “lip-on-lip kiss” is now being used on people you actually hate, replacing the more traditional “foot-on-crotch kick”.

Not only is the lip-to-lip kiss in vogue, but there’s also been a dramatic rise in hand-to-cheek slapping.

The lip-to-lip is even common in business circles. And there’s nothing that clinches that corporate merger better than a quick tug under the desk.

The lip-to-lip is even common in business circles. I know I never sign off on any transaction until I know what the other party tastes like.

So air kissing is now very out of vogue. And actually shaking someone’s hand? You might as well punch them in the guts.

Unlike air kissing, lip kissing has roots in the animal world – monkeys kiss to share food. Perhaps that’s why sex leaves me with an aching void in my tummy?

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