Spybook (Good News Week 20/10/08: 3 1/2 Corners)

The British Secret Service has taken to recruiting spies through Facebook. Unfortunately many of their recruits have taken to updating their status as “Person X is now a SPY!!!” / “Licensed to Kill”.

The main problem with recruiting Facebookers as spies, is that they keep writing updates like “…is currently lurking outside the Iranian consulate dressed as a camel”, or “…has finally infiltrated the terrorist cell and has them all thoroughly convinced I’m one of them. LOL!!!”

Although people get suspicious when your Facebook status update suddenly says “…is definitely NOT a secret agent.”

Facebook’s an ideal place to recruit spies, since half the people on there are already spying on their exes. / are already spying on school crushes. / are already stalkers.

Facebook’s the ideal place to recruit spies – what better place to look than a network of stalkers?

Spies are people who are good at pretending to be someone they’re not, and who can act like someone’s close friend when in reality they don’t give a rat’s arse. So Facebookers are perfect. / So no wonder they’re recruiting through Facebook…

But it’s hard living a double life when people from all over the world are tagging you in photos.

The main problem with recruiting Facebookers as spies, is that when they take secret photos of hidden military bases, they can’t help but immediately upload them in their “My Photos” album.

The main problem with recruiting Facebookers as spies, is that they inevitably want the enemy to be their Friend.

It’s easy to tell if someone on Facebook has been recruited by MI6, if suddenly they become friends with James Bond. / friends with a whole lot of people whose names are just numbers or letters.

MI6’s latest recruitment technique? (Sean Connery voice) Book. Face book.

It’s easy to tell if someone on Facebook is a spy – you just check their occupation on their home page, and if it says “spy”, you’ve got ‘em.

So be careful who you poke, or you could end up poked by a pig. / could end up in Guantanamo Bay. / could end up in Scotland Yard. / could end up in the pokey.

Unfortunately there have been problems when some of MI6’s sharp young recruits have turned out to be 60 year old paedophiles.

Facebook spies prefer their profiles to be browsed, not poked.

The master plan is to eventually find Osama through his Facebook page.

bin Laden’s status update still reads “Osama is hiding out in a cave somewhere.” Sneaky bastard.

It’s pretty canny. For instance, all a Facebook spy has to do is request to be friends with Osama bin Laden, and then they can work out where he is through his status updates.

MI6 and the CIA have both been waiting over 7 years for Osama to reply to their friend request.

But the real reason they’re recruiting through Facebook is that MI6 and the CIA poked Osama seven years ago, and he still hasn’t poked them back.

The “Spy Wanted” ads are targeted at graduates, people bored with their jobs and anyone who lists Bond films in their favourite movies. / and people whose profile picture features a cool pair of sunnies and a trilby.

The ads are targeted at people who want to influence global history. And who also like wasting time on Facebook.

It makes sense to use FaceBook to vet potential secret agents. After all, there’s no better test of a person’s character than how many Eggs they’ve got on their FunWall.

I just hope their “Spy Wanted” ads work as well as those “Increase Your Girth by 3 Inches” ones do.

Of course, al Qaida’s had their own social networking site for years. It’s called VeilBook.

You too could be a Facebook Spy – license to poke.

They’re even developing special Facebook applications for wannabe spies, including SpyWall, Rate My Gadget and Inform The Authorities About Your Suspicious Friends.

The best part about being a Facebook Spy is you don’t get to use the cool gadgets, make out with the beautiful women, or go on wild adventures, but you do get stay at home all day in front of your computer! Yeah!

MI6 are looking for “high calibre people, with a strong political curiosity” and “impressive intellect”. Which is why they put the ad on Facebook, and not on Myspace.

MI6 had tried recruiting through Myspace as well, but just ended up with a whole bunch of spam, LOLcats and groupies.

MI6 had tried recruiting through Myspace as well, but just ended up with a bunch of pimply 12 year-olds whose idea of political commentary was posting that “terrorists R gay”.

Not only is the British Secret Service now looking for their spies through FaceBook, but they’re scouting for interns at barely_legal.com. / but they’re headhunting their interrogators from madame_lash.com.

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