Happy doing nothing (Good News Week 20/10/08: monologue)

According to the 2008 Happiness Index, the most popular activity to make Australians happy has turned out to be doing nothing. I knew we were all wasting time doing stuff!

And even better, doing nothing has zero carbon emissions! (Except maybe the occasional burst of methane.)

Hang on a tic… (sit back, look around, twiddle thumbs…) You know what, I think it’s overrated.

The most popular activities for both men and women were rest and relaxation and entertainment. We may not be a nation of couch potatoes, but we definitely wish we were.

Perhaps surprisingly, shopping made just 30 percent of women and 14 percent of men happy. And they were mostly retailers.

Surprisingly, shopping for clothes made just 30 percent of women happy. Unfortunately, it just proved to them that their bum did look big in that. / it just rubbed in the fact that they weren’t supermodels.

Surprisingly, shopping made only 30 percent of women happy. For the other 70 percent, it just made their bankers very happy.

Turns out shopping doesn’t make women nearly as happy as watching movies about women that are made happy by shopping.

Turns out shopping doesn’t make women as happy as we thought. And taking a man shopping just makes it horrible for everyone.

Possessions actually made very few people happy. Although they did like to be entertained by the ads.

Possessions did not feature in the top ten list at all. Clearly, they weren’t asking people who had nothing. / weren’t surveying the homeless.

Possessions did not feature in the top ten list at all. But that makes sense – after all, who wants to be possessed? / – after all, no-one wants to be inhabited by a supernatural entity. Oh, possessions, right.

Exercise was ranked lowest as a way to happiness. Turns out endorphins aren’t fun after all.

Apparently, it’s experiences rather than objects that really make us happy. For instance, a new car doesn’t make us happy – it’s buying a new car.

Men are happiest when they’re surfing the net or having sex. Thank god for internet porn. / Therefore, online porn is the very definition of ecstasy.

Can you believe it? Apparently, having valuable experiences is what truly makes us happy! And I always thought it was wasting your money on useless trinkets. / technology that’s obsolete by the time you buy it. / useless piles of shit you don’t really want.

Men are happiest when they’re surfing the net, having sex, or just doing nothing. And now they can do all three at once, thanks to internet porn.

60 percent of men and 66 percent of women said they were happiest when doing nothing. Which was really just a subtle way of telling the surveyors to leave them alone.

60 percent of men and 66 percent of women said they were happiest when doing nothing. No wonder Aussies are such an animated bunch. / No wonder Aussies are leading the world in obesity. / No wonder it took so fucking long to get rid of John Howard.

Buying gifts for others made about a third of people feel good, while two-thirds of people were happier just to receive them.

Buying gifts for others makes about a third of people feel good. So when you’re a bit down, why not just go out and buy me something? It’s worth a shot!

Number 10 for men was “learning something new”. Ah, doesn’t it feel good to learn that?

Number 10 for men was “learning something new”. But I already knew that. So it just makes me angry and sad.

Women said that they were happiest when quietly reading or having meals with their relatives. Men agreed, as long the reading was about cars or fishing, and as long as her relatives were hot.

Women said that they were happiest when quietly reading or having meals with their relatives. Mmm, sounds riveting. / Woo! Yeah! Yay everyone, it’s quiet reading time! Woo!

Women said that they were happiest when quietly reading. That’s why, come New Years Eve, I always take my partner to the library to celebrate! It totally GOES OFF!

Women really enjoy playing with their pets. Which is perfect, because men said they also really liked watching a woman playing with her pussy.

The survey is designed as a marketing tool for businesses to understand target customers. Which is why they keep selling us useless rubbish – perfect for doing nothing!

Another activity that made many people happy was giving bogus answers to surveys designed to make them easier to market to.

As well as relaxing and being entertained, eating comfort food also rated highly. In fact we’ll only know we’re truly happy when we’re as bloated as a beached whale.

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