Spy pigeons (Good News Week 27/10/08: Limericks)

Two pigeons have been captured near an Iranian nuclear enrichment facility, and are being accused of being spies. They could tell they weren’t from nearby – all the local birds are hideously deformed. / are radioactive mutants.

The Iranians know they’re spies. A little birdy told them.

The pigeons are definitely spies. The Iranian’s undercover albatross wouldn’t lie.

They can tell the birds are spies – they asked for their birdseed shaken, not stirred. / they were dressed as parakeets. / disguised as doves. / wearing camouflage gear. / were cooing into little walkie-talkies. / were shitting on all the secret cameras. / they were dressed in black jumpsuits and abseiling into the main control console, taking photos.

They’re not sure the birds are spies, but they sure are pretty shifty-looking. / but they do have beady little eyes.

The pigeons were discovered with metal rings and invisible strings attached. Proof they’re spies, or into bondage.

The pigeons were discovered with metal rings and invisible strings attached. And there’s no better proof than evidence that you can’t see. / than invisible evidence.

The pigeons were discovered with metal rings and invisible strings attached. All they’d need to turn that into a hi-tech spy camera is some sticky tape, a twig, and MacGuyver. / All they’d need to turn that into a world class hi-tech spy camera is some sort of camera.

The pigeons were discovered with metal rings and invisible strings attached. They’re now searching the ground for a video camera that’s been dropped from a great height.

The pigeons were discovered with metal rings and invisible strings attached. Which has actually made them much easier to interrogate…

One interrogation process is to sit in front of the birds, and very slowly eat some KFC.

They’re trying to interrogate the birds, but it’s hard to find small enough alligator clips. / electrodes. / hoods.

They’re trying to interrogate the birds, but the pigeons just aren’t responding to the psychological threats. And making them form a naked pyramid just isn’t working.

So far, they’re not sure what the grand plan is, but they’ve been interrogating the birds, and all they know for sure is that it’s some kind of “coo”.

The Iranians are just worried that it’s the lead up to a military coo…

They’re hoping that, with enough birdseed, they can convince the birds to swap sides. / to snitch.

Luckily, one of them is a stool pigeon.

They’re hoping one of the birds will squeal, but so far they’ve just made cooing noises.

They communicate in a special coded form of English known as pidgin.

They’re not just homing pigeons, they’re homeland securiting pigeons. / These homing pigeons don’t just home – they homeland security.

Ah yes, this metal ring and invisible string proves it was spying. It uses the ring to… um, hold the string, and the string is used to… be sneaked in undetected!

They have to be spies. The string was too invisible to be tied to a civilian pigeon.

The pigeons did look pretty suspicious, with their tiny sunglasses and earpieces.

Pigeon spies have certain drawbacks – there’s nowhere to put their earpiece.

Pigeon spies are outstanding agents for any mission involving shitting on something.

Interestingly pigeons aren’t just becoming spies, but have also been appointed the new head of the CIA.

Somewhere, a Middle Eastern pigeon collector is wondering what happened to his invisible string…

But pigeon spies inevitably give themselves away to the enemy. The trouble is, whenever they see a trilby hat, they can’t resist the urge to poo on it.

The Iranians are refusing to say where the pigeons are or what will happen to them. Probably cooped up somewhere.

They’ve tried the water torture on them, but they just splashed around in it like a birdbath.

They’ve refused to identify who they’re working for, even after exhaustive interrogation, torture, plucking, and being stuffed with rosemary and garlic and cooked until crispy.

They’ve refused to identify who they’re working for, even after exhaustive interrogation, torture, plucking, and being cooked up with diced bacon, chopped onions and carrots, ¼ teaspoon of dried thyme, 2 teaspoons of fresh parsley, and red wine.

Iranian leaders claim that the pigeon spies were unquestionably guilty, and very moreish.

Not only are the pigeons spies, but Iran authorities are fairly sure one flipped them the bird…

The spy pigeons are bad enough on their own, but the Iranian authorities are convinced that, if you look at the symbolism, it’s actually America giving them the bird.

Those Americans are getting sneaky, using pigeons and squirrels rather than their traditional pig-dogs.

So far, the authorities have strong evidence to suggest that the evil pigeon mastermind is someone only known as “Bert”. It’s thought that he lives on “Sesame Street”, wherever the hell that is.

Already, Hollywood has jumped on the idea, and have already started production on “Pigeon: Impossible”…

It is not the first time Iran has accused members of the animal kingdom of collaborating with its enemies – last year the country arrested 14 squirrels for espionage! It’s actually true! But the squirrels claimed they were just stealing the secret documents to cut up and use as a nest, and not to report back to the CIA at all.

Interestingly, the four letters in the word Iran are all contained in the word “paranoid”. They’re pretty sure it’s a conspiracy.

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