Classroom guns (Good News Week 27/10/08: Limericks)

A tiny Texan school has armed its teachers to protect students from crazed gunmen. Because as usual, the best way to prevent shootings is to stock up on guns.

Because the only thing that could possibly be safer than kids with guns is teachers with guns.

And, when the massacre happens, they can pick off those kids who’ve really been giving them the shits. / those kids who are really lowering the grade average.

Because the most healthy way to look at your students is as potential targets.

The guns will be really useful if there’s a school massacre, or for dealing with the smartarses at the back of the class. / or if students hand in homework late.

As a bonus, classroom behaviour has suddenly improved.

It’s also a great time-saver – who needs detention when you can just shoot the brats?

But using a gun is much quicker, and more permanent, than just handing out detention.

It’s also a handy way to encourage students to strive for greater marks…

Teachers have to wear the guns rather than having them locked in a safe. That way, they’re ready to respond to any maniacs breaking in, or indeed to any hair-pulling. / students playing up.

Gone are the days of paper planes and spitballs. Now the teacher’s armed, the kids will be hurling grenades. / Molotov cocktails.

It’s not only good for preventing massacres, but also helps control that guy at the back who just loves firing warning shots. / who spends his time shooting cans.

Clearly, the only thing that can lower the body count in a school-massacre situation is to have more guns being wildly fired in a state of blind panic…

Clearly, the only way to deal with people firing guns at school is to fire guns at them at school!

More guns equals less casualties. Because guns stop people getting shot. It’s all clear to me now.

But really, the only sure-fire way of preventing another school massacre is to gun down all teenagers. Pre-emptive strike.

But really, it’s the best strategy to pick the troublesome ones off before they turn into homicidal maniacs.

It’s not all the teachers who are carrying guns. Just the ones who want them.

It would be that much easier if they just surrounded the school with landmines.

So if you want to commit a bloody school massacre, get your Dip Ed first, it’ll make it a lot easier.

That’s one school where you want to call the teacher “Sir”.

The teachers are licensed to carry concealed weapons and wear the guns, ready to respond the moment they hear a gunshot. Hopefully it isn’t just another teacher, or the bloodbath could be all a horrible mistake.

If the teachers hear the sounds of gunfire, they’re instructed to carefully and methodically take down each of their students, to avoid them having to be exposed to the horror.

Harrold Independent School superintendent David Thweatt has spent 100,000 US dollars equipping his school with keyless entry, camera systems, lock-down buttons and classroom telephones, but says it’s still not enough to prevent a mass murder. It makes him so angry he just wants to take someone out! / And someone’s going to pay! / And now, it’s payback time.

Harrold Independent School superintendent David Thweatt approved the plan, saying “It’s not going to take very long for it to be a total massacre.” Yes, he actually said that.

Harrold Independent School superintendent David Thweatt approved the plan enthusiastically, saying “It’s not going to take very long for it to be a total massacre.” Some of those former students could really bear grudges.

But as one resident said, in Texas ranch country guns are necessary, if not to stop a madman, then to shoot a snake, wild hog, wild dog or coyote that might run onto the playground. That’s right animals – now there’s no place to hide.

But as one resident said, in Texas ranch country guns are necessary, if not to stop a madman, then to shoot a snake, wild hog, or coyote that might run onto the playground. Because surprisingly wild hogs are the cause of nearly a third of all school massacres. / Those wild hogs are notorious for their school-shootings.

School shootings actually account for less than 1 percent of all school-age gun casualties. And the Texans think that’s pathetic. / Although, they’re doing their best to improve that figure – they reckon it could be 10 percent by the end of the year!

Despite the publicity given to them, school shootings are extremely rare. At least they were until now.

Guns must be not be locked in a safe, but worn by teachers. And preferably, teachers should do that twirly thing when they pull them out.

Teachers have to wear the guns rather than having them locked in a safe. Childen should, however, remain locked in the safe.

At least now, when a school kiddie runs home to mummy and daddy and tells them the teacher pulled out his weapon, we can be fairly sure it was a gun.

It’s all part of a long term plan. Once kids are used to being told what to do by people carrying guns, and learn to expect bloody massacres, they’re going to handle being deployed to Iraq so much better.

Teachers love the idea. Finally, they can pretend they’re tough and cool and dangerous, instead of losers whose uni scores just weren’t high enough to get into anything else.

Similarly, teachers are planning to prevent truancy by not turning up themselves. / Similarly, teachers are planning to prevent schoolyard bullying by bullying the bullies.

Admittedly equipping the teacher with a gun is probably mandatory for Shootin’ Hogs class.

It’s not that silly a move when you consider that most of the classes involve some form of shooting.

Teachers are particularly encouraged to be armed in any subjects that involve gunplay. Which in rural Texas is most of ‘em.

But this is Texas! You never know when you’re gunna need to blow away a wild hog, a crazed rattler, or a president-to-be! / or a violent President! / or a dangerous coke-snorting megalomaniac!

Sure, it may seem like an extreme move, but then we don’t have to live in Texas.

They’re just hoping that, if there are enough deadly firearms around, we might be able to prevent another Dubya.

The trouble with Americans is that during the Cold War they got into a mindset of mutual deterrence – if we both have guns, then no-one will fire. Whereas trying to prevent school shootings with guns fits more into the modern paradigm of the War on Terror – both sides are suicidal homicidal maniacs.

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