Cops snitch on themselves (Good News Week 27/10/08: monologue)

Over 1000 complaints about the integrity of Australian Federal Police officers were made last financial year, almost half of them made by fellow officers. Turns out even the pigs hate the pigs.

The AFP is generally very professional. It’s just a thousand or so bad apples spoiling the barrel.

Over 1000 complaints about Australian Federal Police officers were made last year alone. The number is staggering – can you believe that there were really only 1000?

Over 1000 complaints about Australian Federal Police officers were made last year alone. Although that guy really hates cops.
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Almost half of the complaints were made by police officers. It’s so hard to get promoted these days! / WorkChoices in action! / Clearly, the fight for “Employee of the Month” is getting nasty.

The public lodged complaints about weapons, intimidation, corruption and bribery, while members of the force complained that Officer Jenkins always got the good chair. / while members of the force mainly complained about fellow officers taking the last doughnut.

Not only were there complaints about corruption and bribery, but apparently many officers are just not drunken or violent enough.

According to the report, 420 complaints were made by AFP officers about their colleagues. Bitch fight! Bitch fight! / Pig fight! Pig fight!

Almost half of the complaints were made by members of the force. It’s a pig-eat-pig world.

Almost half of the complaints were made by members of the force. Unsurprising really, they’re the only ones who aren’t afraid they’ll be arrested.

19 of the complaints have been referred to the anti-corruption watchdog, which is really going to up the amount they have to pay in bribes.

19 of the complaints have been referred to the anti-corruption watchdog, where they will be conveniently swept under the carpet. / will lay in a drawer somewhere, gathering dust. / will be immediately and thoroughly disposed of. / will be immediately and thoroughly destroyed.

19 of the complaints have been referred to the anti-corruption watchdog, who will eat them, swiftly drawing an end to proceedings. And that’s the last we’ll ever hear of that.

The AFP exercised its discretion not to investigate 183 of the complaints. The rest were by rank-and-file officers. / You might get in trouble if you investigate the brass.

The AFP exercised its discretion not to investigate 183 of the complaints, which netted them a tidy profit.

There were 42 reports of officers dobbing themselves in. So now at least we’ve got rid of the honest cops. / Good thing too, the police force is no place for the honest.

42 complaints were self-reported, primarily relating to incidents of self-abuse.

Self-reported cases included an incident where a constable handled himself roughly while handcuffing himself. Although that was out of hours.

42 complaints resulted from self-reporting. It’s the quickest way to get out of the force. / These guys are really beating themselves up! Which will have to result in another report.

42 officers dobbed themselves in. Because unless you’ve gotten a black mark against your record, you’ll never get a promotion. / Obviously angling for a promotion…

There were 42 reports of cops dobbing themselves in. What kinda lame corrupting is that?

There were 42 reports of cops dobbing themselves in. Quite frankly, I don’t think that kind of namby-pamby do-gooder can handle the Force.

There were 42 reports of cops dobbing themselves in. They also judged themselves guilty, stripped themselves of their badges, sent themselves to prison and assaulted themselves in the shower. Now that’s dedication.

But if you’re a policeman dobbing yourself in, when you read yourself your rights, it can be used in evidence in a court against you.

540 complaints came from the general public, but don’t worry, that’s the last you’ll hear from that lot. / they’ll all be apprehended shortly.

The AFP has responded to the report, saying that the allegations are very serious, and that if any officers are found guilty, there will most definitely be lots of frowning as they’re slapped on the wrist.

It’s reassuring news that the cops are fighting amongst themselves. Well, it is for organised crime, anyway.

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