Kevin Rudd: economic crisis superstar (Good News Week 27/10/08: monologue)

At the moment, Rudd is looking positively Presidential. Though not in the choking-on-a-pretzel, can’t-pronounce-nuclear, invading-random-countries way.

But Rudd’s apparently fixing the economic crisis by cutting interest rates and stuffing our pockets with cash! What’s not to like?

If only all wartime responses involved handing out bucketloads of loot!

If economic crises mean interest rate cuts and thousands of dollars for every pensioner, child and first homebuyer, bring ‘em on! / how can we cause another one?

Rudd has said “And if you still don’t like me, here – have another million dollars!”

Rudd has reacted angrily to comments that he’s just buying his popularity, and has offered his detractors a hefty wad of cash to reconsider.

With the extra money we’re all getting now, this could be the best Great Depression ever! / Greatest Depression ever!

Of course it’s possible Kevin might not be so positive when we all lose our jobs and are out on the street panhandling.

Of course it’s possible Kevin might not seem quite so great when we’re all bitching about him while we wait in line for the soup kitchen. / while we’re all waiting in line with our ration stamps.

He even answered questions from the public in a general Q&A, showing that he could be just as slippery and evasive in public as in Parliament.

Rudd’s popularity has soared. But when you’re there next to Kochy, you can’t help but look good. / But everyone looks good next to Kochy.

After the success of his special with Kochy, Kevin’s planning on doing a spot on Video Hits, Ready Steady Cook, and even Today Tonight.

Sure, the Coalition may not be very popular right now, but, to be fair, it’s hard to navigate your way through a Great Depression when you’re busy deciding the décor for your third yacht. / it’s hard for the Old Money Elite to deal with topics like mortgage repayments and so-called “budgeting”.

Leaders often look their best in an international crisis, and Rudd didn’t even have to invade anywhere.

He’s thinking of himself as a “wartime prime minister”. Because wartime’s when the meek nerds really shine.

Rudd’s impressed people by being cool in the crisis. Or he could just be really boring. / It’s either that or he just doesn’t give a shit.

The public seem to be loving Rudd and Turnbull. We figure if the economy really starts to go South, they’re both rich enough to bail us out.

The public seem to be loving both Rudd and Turnbull. We’re all just so happy they’re not Howard, Costello, or Nelson.

Rudd’s lead over Malcolm Turnbull as preferred Prime Minister recently increased by 15 points, now 64% to 26%. It always feels nice when your preferred Prime Minister is also your actual Prime Minister…

Turnbull’s accused Rudd of being too chummy with the big end of town. Those are supposed to be his chums!

Turnbull’s accused Rudd of being too chummy with the big end of town. “I thought the deal was, I get the fops, he gets the bogans?” / He thought the deal was, he gets the rich cunts, Rudd gets the no-hopers.

Turnbull complained about Rudd describing the financial crisis as a “national security crisis”. Because the last thing he wants to fight is a wartime leader.

Rudd’s even got his financial war clobber together: a helmet made out of US dollars and a cannon that shoots cash at pensioners and children!

Rudd’s having a great time in this financial crisis! After all, it’s not a financial crisis for him – as a new Prime Minister, he’s just had the biggest payrise of his life!

Rudd’s enjoying the financial crisis so much, when we eventually get out of it, he’s keen to create another one!

Kev’s pretty chuffed. Rumour is that he celebrated with a whole half a pack of Vovos.

He loves being a media celebrity. So much so that, like his pals Paris and Britney, he’s given up wearing underwear.

He loves being a media celebrity. In fact, he’s such a celebrity now, he’s got his own downloadable sextape. Saucy!

He says the financial crisis is just like a “national security crisis”, and is going to try to defeat it in the same way Howard tried to defeat terrorism – by chucking money at it and hoping it goes away. / – watch out for the government’s new “financial crisis” fridge magnet…

Well we’ve all gotten bored with terrorists, so Rudd’s declared a War On Stockbrokers! I hear there’s still plenty of room at Guantanamo…

His approval rating went up 10 points to 71%, which is second only to Bob Hawke in the poll’s 36 year history. Clearly he needs to chug a yardglass and get womanising. / And the only way he can beat that is to head back to his favourite stripclub and get smashed.

His approval rating went up 10 points to 71%, which is second only to Bob Hawke in the poll’s 36 year history. Of course, those figures are for the general public. He’s not nearly as popular as Hawkie with impressionists. / comedy satirists. / impersonators.

It’s all a bit weird for me. I’m just not used to having a PM that people actually like.

In these times of global economic crisis, Rudd’s just got to snap his fingers and get himself a prime-time TV spot. Howard used to have to snap someone else’s.

As a wartime PM, Rudd’s promised surgical strikes on any known locations where stockbrokers and bank CEOs are hiding out. Let’s see how their money can save them now! / Defeating extreme capitalism calls for extreme measures!

Of course, if we’re riding into a Great Depression, we’re gunna need our alcopops back.

And now, solving the global economic meltdown single-handedly, it’s Captain Rudd!

Thank goodness for Kevin, or the world could be in real trouble!

Voters have embraced the Government’s 10.4 billion dollar economic package warmly, and will happily embrace any more money he wants to hand out. We just love responsible economic management!

However the love for Labor hasn’t carried over to the states and territories, where they continue to get huge swings against their governments. But have they fixed any planet’s financial crisis lately? I don’t think so!

Rudd may be spending up the budget surplus, but it seems to have increased his popularity surplus.

Rudd blames the crisis on greed and extreme capitalism. Also probably to blame are merchant bankers from Wentworth.

Rudd says he wants to “rein in any executive greed”. Though not executive greed by Ms Rein.

Rudd’s blaming unfettered capitalist greed for the crisis. Interestingly, I haven’t seen much of Therese lately…

Kev’s relaxed, cheerful attitude to the coming Great Depression helps us all not freak out. But the reason he’s so relaxed is, when the bottom falls out of the market, his wife’s going to buy up property big-time.

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