School Pokies (Good News Week 17/11/08: Spot the Bull)

The Australian Hotels Association has asked the Senate to add gambling education to the national school curriculum. What odds it gets up?

The Australian Hotels Association has asked the Senate to add gambling education to the national school curriculum. And no-one really knows how to smoke a cigar any more, maybe add that too. / And none of these younguns know how to panhandle.

The hotel industry is very concerned that kids could be ill-informed and grow into problem gamblers. The problem being that they just don’t gamble enough.

The hotel industry predicts that kids will be ill-informed and grow into problem gamblers. In fact, they’re relying on it for future business. / And they don’t want anybody messing it up! / And they don’t want some lousy goody-two-shoes teacher messing that up!

The industry says that many kids don’t properly understand the odds, and overestimate their chance of success. But that’s okay – they’re not allowed to gamble.

The industry says that many kids don’t properly understand the odds, and overestimate their chance of success. Which are qualities they only want to see in adults.

The industry says that many kids don’t properly understand how gambling odds really work, and may risk money later in life. Yeah, but they don’t properly understand how to load a machine gun either – maybe some things can wait…

But the AHA really has the interests of young people at heart. Yeah, I bet.

They’ve incorporated it into the children’s songs and nursery rhymes. Now, all the kids are playing the hokie pokies. / Now, when you do the hokey pokie, you don’t turn around – you just keep on playing. And that’s what it’s all about.

Of course probability is already covered in maths, but what isn’t covered is the thrill you get from hitting the jackpot!

But maths about probability sounds so dry and boring compared to a day at the races!

Sure, they learn about odds and dividends in maths – but what about the champagne, the hats, the whinnying horses?

Sure, they learn about odds and dividends in maths – but what do they learn about the haggard faces, the stench of sweat and old cigarettes, and the palpable weight of despair?

Surely it should be the parents’ responsibility to teach children about gambling by taking them to the TAB on Melbourne Cup Day.

We’ve got to teach the kiddies that problem gambling is a serious issue. Except on Cup Day – then we should take ‘em out of school and get pissed.

The Hotel Association said schoolkids should not only be more educated about gambling, but every year should get at least one excursion to a beergarden.

A Brisbane maths teacher recently caused a furore by taking his class to a racecourse. But it was very educational, not only teaching them about odds and returns, but also that knowing maths didn’t stop you being a problem gambler.

A Brisbane maths teacher recently caused a furore by taking his class to a racecourse and making a few bets. But surely that’s no worse last year’s excursion to the titty bar?

A Brisbane maths teacher recently caused a furore by taking his class to a racecourse. He wouldn’t normally take a class gambling, but he was due, dammit! / He wouldn’t normally do something like that, but they were his lucky class!

And that way if they’ve got the best cards in playtime Pokemon, they can make winning really worth their while.

Not only should they be taught gambling skills, but they really need to be shown how to pimp too. / but they need to be shown how to properly shoot up. / the proper way to smoke their crack.

Perhaps kids could also be taught the art of pawning. / selling their children.

Suggesting education to curb problem gambling seems a bit of a self-defeating move by the hotel industry. Perhaps they can also push for teetotal lessons and aversion therapy to parmigiana.

Not only is the hotel industry pushing for more gambling education, but they would really like young students to be well-versed in how to use ATMs. / in trading – at the local Cash Converters.

It’s hard for the gambling industry to reach the kids of today – they’re so often just left in the carpark.

The industry says that many young people don’t understand the odds when gambling, and overestimate their chance of success. But then stupid people deserve to suffer.

“It is an unfortunate reality that many young people do not understand the odds when gambling,” the AHA submission said. “And they really don’t know enough about the big big wins they could be making on a long shot.”

Maybe they can put a pokie machine in every classroom. It’s educational, and it improves school funding!

Similarly the tobacco industry would really like to teach kids the odds of catching cancer from smoking – it’s really lower than you’d think. And the flavour is awesome! / And it looks so cool.

Similarly, underground crime syndicates don’t think kids are taught enough about the potential of the black market. You can make a killing – and if not, you can always just make a killing.

Leave a Reply