UK Brokelympics (Good News Week 17/11/08: What’s the Story)

The financial crisis means the UK is running out of money for their 2012 Olympics. It’ll all still go ahead – it’s just that the swimming will have to be in the Thames, the running will be around the streets of London, and the diving will be from the top of Big Ben. / and the shooting events will all be on one of Charlie’s foxhunts.

The credit crisis has claimed another victim – the 2012 London Olympics. More than 2 billion dollars is needed to finish building sporting venues and the athletes’ village. If they don’t find a way to raise the money, the exhibition sport may be construction.

More than 2 billion dollars is needed to finish building sporting venues and the athletes’ village. And so far, they’ve only managed to scrounge up tuppence a’pney. / a handful of farthings.

They’re so strapped, they’re going to have to pawn the Olympic rings…

Hang on a minute – I knew this credit crisis was serious, but now it’s affecting sport! What are you gonna do about it, Rudd?

Well, the stadiums may turn out shoddy, and the opening may be a low-budget shambles, but at least it will be raining!

The whole project is billions of dollars over budget. They hadn’t realised that in London, you’re going to need rooves over everything.

The Olympics may now need to be nationalised by the British government. And what are the chances of them letting anyone else win medals?

The UK is having to come up with other ways of raising money. Anyone want to buy a corgi? / The Queen’s set up a kissing booth. / Prince Phillip is pimping out The Queen.

Prince Harry has offered to raise money by setting up a shagging booth.

Prince Harry has offered to raise some extra money. Apparently he’s being growing some wicked hydro.

Still, from what I understand Beijing’s Olympics also needed nationalising. Not because it was over budget, more because it was in danger of having someone express an independent opinion.

Perhaps some athletes can chip in some of their multi-billion dollars in product endorsements? Nah, that wouldn’t be in the Olympic spirit.

Surely they can melt down all those medals?

They’re actually going to have to melt down all their medals and give the athletes chocolate dubloons.

Looks like the medals next time will be Tin, Wood & String. / Polyester.

Here’s hoping some of our star athletes can take home some gold leaf medals! / Gold leaf for Australia! / It’s gold, gold, gold leaf!

To retain the pomp, ceremony and spectacle of the Olympic Flame, yet cut down on cost, they’re going to set fire to Buckingham Palace. (If only the Queen Mum were still alive…)

But surely it’s okay to be strapped for cash in the UK. Don’t they have some sort of Queen who can lend them a few bucks?

Sure, the British Olympics have run out of money. But it’s okay guvnor – one of Gordon’s mates knows a geezer who knows a geezer who can get a cheap Olympics no worries, just fell off the back of a lorry innit.

As a last resort, to save money all the athletes are going to be fed on English food.

It should be fine. They’ll just cut back on all the sports that aren’t tennis.

The Brits have run out of Olympics money. “Please sir, I want some more.”

Apparently their Empire isn’t going so well either.

Gee, it’s lucky the Greeks had 24 billion dollars back in 1896 or the Olympics might never have happened at all!

The Brits have promised that if they can’t afford to host the Olympics, they are happy to replace it with re-runs of Are You Being Served.

It looks like PM Gordon Brown’s going to have to bail it out with public funds. Not that he cares, he’s going to be turfed out next year anyway. It’s a spendathon! / Might as well go on a bit of a spree.

Gordon Brown’s already bailed out the banks, now the Olympics… All that’s needs bailing out now is the Government. / is his Prime Ministership. / is the Labour Party.

Private investors have been scared away from the Olympics. Turns out they don’t produce anything and run at an enormous loss. But they sure look pretty, don’t they. / But on the plus side, you do make a bunch of athletes very rich. Um. If you like athletes.

London now has only one hope left – that they get saved by Dr Who.

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