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Costello’s War on Teacherism (The Glass House 31/8/05)

Treasurer Peter Costello has said that teachers are creating a young generation with a strong anti-American bias. Yeah, because kids do whatever their teachers tell them to… actually, swotty kids like Peter Costello would’ve.

Treasurer Peter Costello has said that teachers are creating a young generation with a strong anti-American bias. It’s hard enough for teachers to get kids to tuck their shirts in; good luck getting them to develop a political ideology!

Costello says that kids are not taught how the US provided help to Australia in World War 2. Of course, Costello is forgetting all the help Australia provided to the US, in Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, East Timor, Afghanistan, Iraq again, and Iran next year… And when America declares nuclear war on North Korea, Australia will provide a much closer target.

Costello did concede that there were legitimate reasons to resent the US, namely the huge amount of violent US TV and music that we’re exposed to. I see; the only US violence Peter approves of is the kind that can kill you.

Of course when Costello went through school the lessons were different. Back then the teachers gave you a choice about who you hated – the Krauts or the Nips.

Costello said a return to old-fashioned teaching was needed. “Back in my day, the teachers weren’t anti-American. They were anti-German and anti-Japanese.”

Costello has also criticised newspapers, history books and common sense. “They just incite anti-Americanism!”

One of the kids asked “What has the US ever done for Australia?” Well, firstly they invented the “war on terror”. They’ve paved the way in backing out of the Kyoto Protocol. And don’t forget spray-on cheese.

If students can’t be lefty radicals, who the hell can?

These days you learn the three R’s – reading, rioting and rebelling.

Costello wants kids to learn the three L’s – Liberal, Liberal, Liberal. …oi oi oi.

Costello would rather have robot teachers… so by the time he’s PM, his dream will be reality.

Found that the teachers most responsible for anti-American sentiments were History teachers. Turns out that when kids learn about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, for some reason they respect the US less. Weird.

I agree with Costello, if only kids knew what the US did in World War II they’d like them a lot more. Any kid knows nuking cities is cool.

Turns out that in Iraq and Afghanistan, anti-US sentiment is even more pronounced. Must be the teachers over there.

“The US have never done anything bad,” said Costello. “And Mickey Mouse is a real mouse!”

Teachers are outraged at Costello’s comments. But then of course they would be, they’re a pack of left-wing scumbags.

Costello says that he’s hoping to install a proper screening system for teachers. If they didn’t vote Liberal, they’re banned from teaching.

Many teachers aren’t anti-US, they’re just anti-Bush. That’s like saying that I hate Australia because I think our treasurer’s a dickhead.

In Mr Costello’s class, if you get detention, you’ll go straight to Woomera.

But of course, the Liberal party have a lot in common with the US government in their attitude to education – they both agree that fundamentalist garbage should be studied in science class / that science class is where you should learn about god / they are both fuckwits.

Now for every pinko commie teacher you have to balance it out by having at least one registered Nazi Party member on staff…

Costello is worried that if children are being brought up able to question US policy, they’ll never swallow this “intelligent design” malarkey.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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