Aussie gold for tourist crimes (Good News Week 17/11/08: monologue)

The ugly Australian refuses to die, with over 1300 Aussies being arrested or imprisoned overseas each year. Which is great for keeping local crime rates down.

1300 Australian travellers were arrested or imprisoned in one year, according to new statistics. Who would’ve expected that from a nation founded by convicts?

1300 Australian travellers were arrested or imprisoned in one year, according to new statistics. Clearly the rest of the world doesn’t like the anti-authoritarian boozer larrikin as much as we do…

1300 Australian travellers were arrested or imprisoned in one year, according to new statistics. Sure, but how were we meant to know that it’s against the law in some countries to get blind maggoted and smash some dickhead’s face in? Here, it’s a night out on the town! / it’s a weekend ritual! / it’s just an ordinary Friday night!

There have been over 1300 arrests of Australians overseas in the past year. And less than 10 percent of those have been Warnie and Tony Mokbel. / Wayne Carey.

Yeah, well what they consider a crime overseas, we Aussies just consider “good Aussie blokeiness”. Indecent exposure, public alcohol consumption, drugs… hell, even murder. Gotta love Ned Kelly and Chopper.

I can’t imagine why people that glorify Ned Kelly and Chopper Read would ever commit crimes.

This makes crime our fastest growing export industry.

It’s actually all part of the same plan that was being used in the 1700s – send all your criminals overseas.

The Department of Foreign Affairs said Australian travellers needed to be aware of the dangers when overseas: mostly other Australian travellers. / : dickhead Aussies. / – keep away from the Aussie tourists.

By far the most Australians have been arrested in the US. But although they’ve arrested 174 Aussies, none of them turned out to be Osama.

By far the most Australians have been arrested in the US. But they’re just pissed off that David Hicks got away.

By far the most Australians have been arrested in the US. And that’s not even counting the ones they’ve been keeping in Cuba.

Almost 300 Aussies have been arrested for lewd and rowdy behaviour. Phh, come on – next they’ll be telling us that we like a drink. / sucking piss!

Almost 300 Aussies have been arrested for lewd and rowdy behaviour. And nearly that many again were arrested for living the Australian Dream. / were arrested for having a barbie, doing the mowing, and going to the footy.

Would you believe it? In some countries, flashing a browneye is considered a “lewd act”!

268 Aussies were arrested for drugs offences. But it wasn’t really drugs – it was just a bit of choof, a coupla pills, a little whiz and a few rowies!

268 Aussies were arrested for drugs offences. But do you know how boring the rest of the world is when you’re straight?

268 Aussies were arrested for drugs offences. But they all swear, they didn’t know whose boogie board bag that was.

According to the rest of the world, Australian tourists are amongst some of the most rowdy and violent on the planet. Oh yeah? They should come here and say that.

Ever since Schapelle Corby got all that publicity, everyone wants to get one of those glamourous international jail cells.

Aussie tourists are an absolute disgrace! What’s wrong with committing crime at home?

Personally, I can’t think of anywhere I’d prefer Aussies to commit crimes than overseas.

No wonder we’re so scared that foreigners won’t assimilate – we don’t when we’re foreigners!

No wonder we fear that foreigners will create terrorism. After all, they’re no different to us!

39 Australians have been arrested in the United Arab Emirates for burglary, drugs, fraud and indecency. But they may have just been soldiers from Iraq, where fraud and indecency are their mission.

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