Good Next Two Months (Good News Week 24/11/08: closing)

Tues, Nov. 25
On Tuesday, the inquiry into junk food advertising will report in Canberra. The report will be very entertaining, but everyone wil feel a bit sick afterwards. / The report will start off really well but about halfway through everyone will start to feel a bit queasy.

On Tuesday, the inquiry into junk food advertising will report in Canberra. The report, which reveals there seems to be no real harm done by junk food advertising at all, will be presented by an old Southern gentleman and a clown.

On Tuesday, the inquiry into junk food advertising will report in Canberra. The report reveals that, not only is junk food advertising on the rise, but that for an extra dollar, it could be upsized for the whole family.

On Tuesday, the inquiry into junk food advertising will report in Canberra. The report will reveal that junk food advertising can be extremely unhealthy, and that people should make sure that they also watch other forms of advertising.

Tomorrow, the inquiry into junk food advertising will report, just as soon as they’re back from getting one of those new Maccas burger meal deals.

On Tuesday, the inquiry into junk food advertising will report in Canberra. The report will be able to be upsized for only a dollar more.

On Tuesday, the inquiry into junk food advertising will report in Canberra. The report will able to be read in its full form, or in fun-sized mini reports the whole family can share.

On Tuesday, the 3rd International Solar Energy Society conference in Sydney will be cancelled because of rain.

Sydney plays host tomorrow to the 3rd conference of International Solar Energy Society, otherwise known as Carborexics Anonymous.

On Tuesday, the 3rd International Solar Energy Society conference in Sydney will be powered entirely by the sun …shining out of of all the speakers’ arses.

On Tuesday, the Australian Bureau of Statistics will release its report on causes of death in 2007. Apparently “death by stagecoach” is way down.

The Australian Bureau of Statistics will release its report on causes of death in 2007. The heart stopping remains number one.

Wed, Nov. 26
On Wednesday, Australia is released, from the ridiculous pre-premiere hype of Baz Luhrmann’s new film.

Baz Luhrmann’s “Australia” will be released, after the evidence appears inconclusive…

On Wednesday, the 2008 Sports Performer Awards in Melbourne will be spoiled by a streaker.

Wednesday’s Sports Performer Awards will reward any sportsman who can perform like a regular human being.

In Canberra on Wednesday, the 21st Australia & New Zealand Criminology conference is where to pick up all the latest criminal tips.

The 21st Australia & New Zealand Criminology conference will be held in Canberra – but can you prove it? / or so the evidence leads me to believe. / according to the boys in forensics.

Thurs, Nov. 27
On Thursday, Canadians will give thanks if they have both feet still intact.

Due to the economic crisis, Thursday’s traditional Thanksgiving holiday will be replaced by Thanksbutnothanksgiving. / Crapgiving. / Whinging.

Thursday brings the US thanksgiving. Never before will so many people have gotten so thoroughly maggoted saying the word “Obama”.

Thursday’s inquiry into the Environment Protection Act will report from inside a protective bubble. Or as we call it, Canberra.

On Thursday, the inquiry into the Environment Protection Act will report, just as soon as they’ve checked the gas and electricity meters. And re-checked them.

Thursday’s National Movember Gala Nights will be spoiled by some smartarse turning up cleanshaven. / turning up and actually cleaning the pool.

Thursday’s National Movember Gala Nights will be ruined when the venue is double-booked with the National Pool-Cleaners’ conference, and no-one can tell who is who. / National Porn-actor’s Guild End-of-Year party, and the Movember Gala ends up just being everyone’s wives.

All over Australia on Thursday will be Movember Gala Nights. Of course there’ll be three days of November still left, but that just gives you an excuse if you’ve only been able to grow a pathetic molestor-mo.

Reports suggest that Thursday’s Annual Walkley Awards will be a glittering, star-studded night of nights. But those journos will say anything to please the judges.

Canberra’s Anti-Terrorism & Bomb Prevention conference are hoping Osama won’t be too busy to turn up.

Thursday’s Anti-Terrorism & Bomb Prevention conference in Canberra will go off! / go ballistic! / will be da bomb. (Prevention conference.) / will raise the roof! / will be terrorific!

Fri, Nov. 28
Friday’s Australian Car Of The Year will be awarded to some fly-by-nighter.

Friday’s Australian Car Of The Year awards in Melbourne will be determined by drag race. / will see Holden and Ford cause a pile-up at the podium. / will see some nasty action backstage when some of the cars get stuck into the free leaded petrol.

On Friday, the final report into indigenous disadvantage is due in Sydney. Apparently, some of them aren’t doing as well as white folks.

On Friday, the final report into indigenous disadvantage will be stolen and written over, by someone who will claim that there wasn’t anything written there in the first place…

On Friday, the final report into indigenous disadvantage is due in Sydney. It’s taking a while – it’s being written in the blood of John Howard.

Qantas will hold its annual general meeting together with gaffer tape. / meeting, provided they get enough gaffer tape.

Qantas will hold its annual general meeting, if the building doesn’t collapse around them. / if they can get there without losing a wing.

Sat, Nov. 29
International Buy Nothing Day will be more popular than ever now that no-one has any money left!

International Buy Nothing Day will for the first time ever be combined with International Earn Nothing Day.

Saturday is International Buy Nothing Day. Shame – it’d make a great t-shirt. / Stealing’s still okay though.

Holden will celebrate 60 years in business. Just.

Sun, Nov. 30
Sunday sees the Australian Institute of Physics have their national congress in Adelaide. They’re hoping to open up a quantum wormhole, which can take them somewhere else. / somewhere else. Anywhere else.

Mon, Dec. 01
Monday’s U.N. Climate Change conference will be held in Poland. Or, as it used to be known, “Hawaii”.

The U.N. Climate Change conference will be held in Poland, provided there’s no more melting of the Poland ice caps…

Monday’s interim report into National Health & Hospitals Reform will die on the table.

Monday sees the Homeless Football World Cup in Melbourne – although, it could be anywhere really.

Monday sees the Homeless Football World Cup kick off in Melbourne, as soon as someone can afford to buy a ball. / donates a ball.

Next Monday, Melbourne hosts the Homeless Football World Cup. Mm, flying around the world to compete in international sporting contests is the kind of homeless I reckon I could handle.

Next Monday, the inquiry into competition in the banking sector will report that there would be more if there were any banks left.

On Monday, the 2008 Asian Businessman Of The Year will be announced, but just won’t assimilate.

There’ll be a conference on globalising religions & cultures in the Asia-Pacific on Monday. They’re hoping to work out once and for all who’d win a fight between Buddha, Mohammad, Jesus, and the Hindu Gods, and if it’s tag-team or not. / and if it’s fair if the Hindu Gods use all their extra arms. / and if it’s fair for Ganesha to use his snout.

Tues, Dec. 02
Next Tuesday, Britney will turn 26. I could’ve sworn she’s been annoying me at least that long.

Next Tuesday, Britney will turn 26. Still so young, yet enough fuck-ups to last a lifetime.

On the 2nd of December, Britney will turn 26! Whattyamean “Britney who”?

Next Tuesday, Britney will turn 26. She was thinking like Madonna of making demands on Kevin if he’s to get custody of the kids, but then remembered that it was her who was the fucked-up irresponsible parent.

Wed, Dec. 03
On Wednesday the 3rd, the CEO of Australian Rail will address the National Press Club in Canberra, appearing one hour late and covered in spray-paint. / and with all his seats ripped out.

Next Wednesday, the CEO of Australian Rail will address the National Press Club and admit that while they don’t have plans for a flying train, they are looking at some that will function correctly.

Next week’s International Homicide Conference should be a killer…

Next week, the Australian Bureau of Statistics will release the national account figures. Really? Are tickets still available?

The 3rd of December sees one year since Kevin Rudd officially became Prime Minister! What a wild night of tea and Vovos for Kev that’ll be! Maybe he’ll even go so far as to dunk one!

Kevin Rudd will celebrate one year of being Prime Minister by seeing how many heads of state he can have phone calls with.

Thurs, Dec. 04
Next week, the inquiry into radioactive waste management will report, though there will be disagreement between the heads of the committee leader.

The inquiry into radioactive waste management will report in Canberra, but what a waste. / but, unless they conclude that radioactive waste should be imported to Australia, no-one’ll be listening…

The inquiry into the long-term management of the Murray-Darling will report: quick everyone, grab a bucket and tip it in!

Fri, Dec. 05
Next week’s International Volunteer Day will be cancelled due to a lack of support.

O.J. Simpson will be sentenced for kidnapping & armed robbery, and forced to confess his real name.

Next week, Canberra will host a meeting of the Australian Drug Evaluation Committee… maaaaaann…

Next week, Canberra will host a meeting of the Australian Drug Evaluation Committee. Apparently, they’ve got some wicked shit. / got some pretty good gear.

Next week, Canberra will host a meeting of the Australian Drug Evaluation Committee. Or as they’re more commonly known, Ben Cousins and his mates. / “The West Coast Eagles”.

Next week, the Australian Drug Evaluation Committee to ensure only the good stuff hits the streets.

Mon, Dec. 08
Hajj. It’s pilgrimage to Mecca time! And this year, the turnout is going to be hajj!

It’s 25 years since the Australian dollar was floated, and it’s never sunk so low!

It’s 25 years since the Australian dollar was floated… or as we call it now, “drowned”. / “sunken”.

It’s 25 years since the Australian dollar was floated. Funny – I always thought things that floated rose to the top…

In a fortnight, the $4.8 billion pensioners’ benefit package will be handed out. Get out of the way, sonny, the tartan shopping carts are coming through!

In a fortnight, the $4.8 billion pensioners’ benefit package will be handed out. Just in time for most of them to be dead.

Sydney will host a forum on the underlying causes of the global financial crisis, and everyone will agree it’s your fault.

Thurs, Dec. 25
December 25th is Christmas Day. Huh. How predictable.

Wed, Dec. 31
December 31st is New Year’s Eve. No kidding – again?

December 31st is New Year’s Eve. This year, she’s asking us to eat the New Year’s apple…

Jan. 20
The inauguration of President Barack Obama. Don’t need any jokes for that one to make you feel good. / to put a smile on your face.

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