Severed Foot #7 (Good News Week 24/11/08: Strange But True)

Just when everyone thought it was all over, yet another dismembered foot has been discovered on Canada’s beaches. Authorities are now thinking that maybe it’s a pod of extremely small whales beaching themselves after a sneaker-themed fancy-dress party.

The authorities are stumped.

In Canada, a seventh severed foot has washed up on the beach. These days you just can’t move for severed feet! Well, not if they’re yours.

The FBI would come in and take over from the local Canadian police investigating the case, but they don’t want to step on anyone’s toes.

More feet! How handy!

This is the sixth foot to turn up in a running shoe. If it is a murderer, he’s certainly sneaky… / Police are looking for a sneaker. / It’s not just the sneaky who are wearing sneakers.

This is the sixth foot to turn up in a running shoe. Clearly, they’re not running fast enough. / Clearly, the victims might as well be wearing sandals – it’s not helping them get away.

The latest foot was discovered by a woman walking her dogs. She would’ve been freaked out but, hey, she was getting used to it by now.

The small woman’s shoe contains human remains which appear to match a find in May. The strange part is that the remains in the shoe were mostly kidneys and lung.

The police say the foot seems to match one they found in May. Phew – another case closed!

The police say the foot seems to match one they found in May. Now if they can just find the legs, arms, torso and head they’ll really be getting somewhere!

The police say the foot seems to match one they found in May. So if they are yours and you didn’t want to make the trip to the cop shop for just the one foot, it’s definitely good news.

The main lesson to be learnt here is if you’re going swimming on Canada’s west coast, take off your shoes. / remove your feet first.

So they keep finding these feet in shoes washing up on the beach. Obviously there’s a big mystery to be solved here: why are people going swimming in their shoes?

It’s not surprising, if you’ve ever tried to eat a whole human, you’ll find it really difficult to fit in the last foot.

Seven feet have been washed up this year on Canadian beaches. And you should see the ones that got away!

At least six of the seven feet have been found in training shoes. The last was also thought to have originally been in a runner, but fell into the hands of a street gang who couldn’t resist a spare Reebok.

It’s thought that they may be victims of a shark who just doesn’t know the street value of an uneaten pair of Nikes.

One theory is that the feet all belong to Christians who have drowned in the area. Even though their bodies may have disintegrated, their soles have been saved…

The origin of the feet remains a mystery, though the two primary theories remain a shark or a cannibal who has trouble undoing double-knots.

Families of missing persons are desperate to find out if the feet belong to their loved ones, so at least they can lay something to rest. Foot-rest.

I blame the media. If we hadn’t’ve heard so much about these earlier feet, we’d never have had what we clearly have now: a copycat foot-severer.

The feet have nothing in common, except for running shoes and a bad case of foot odour. / and a really rank taste. / except for all being found in running shoes, oh, and the fact they’re all odd severed feet found at sea.

Police think they may have confirmed why the feet have been abandoned. They taste foul.

One theory is that it’s the consequences of a Heather Mills look-alike contest that went horribly wrong. / One theory is that Canadians are taking their Heather Mills look-alike contests way too seriously.

Looks like a serial killer to me, and we’ve found his achilles heel. Other people’s.

Another theory is that it’s what happens when people don’t pay for their gangland pedicures.

Another theory is that it was a group of Canadian psychotics who just wanted to play footy. / who had just misunderstood the concept of “playing footy”.

Another theory suggests a foot-fetishist serial killer who lives on a houseboat and just happens to be unusually clumsy.

Canadian police aren’t ruling out any options, but say it’s unlikely that all seven feet come from the same person.

Police are on the lookout for a cannibal with an aversion to tinea.

The most likely explanation so far seems to be that a team of particularly delicious one-legged basketball players fell out of an upside-down helicopter somewhere over the ocean.

It’s nothing suspicious. While bodies can disintegrate or be eaten at sea, feet are a tightly bound network of bones and tendons, further held together by the shoe and sock. It’s surprising all beaches aren’t covered in them.

Now who’ll be the first sneaker manufacturer to use this in an ad campaign?

An Adidas spokesman said he was sorry for the apparent loss of life, but it did show just how resilient their shoes were. / but you’ve got to admit they make a pretty hardy runner.

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