Dark Greens (Good News Week 24/11/08: Giving Headline)

A study has dubbed 4 percent of Americans “carborexics”: people who take their green attitudes to an obsessive compulsive degree. Copies of the study are now available wherever Hummers are sold.

So-called “carborexics” or “dark greens” factor carbon emissions into everything they do. Which, admittedly, is very little.

Okay, so these people are “carborexic”. But that means that most other people are massively “carbese”. / “morbidly carbese”.

They’re not “carborexic” at all. They just do lots of “carborcise”. / “carbosthenics.”

Those labelled “dark green” included a man who relieved himself on his lawn to save water, and a family that slept together to save on heating. Oh my God! They must be stopped before society collapses!

Those labelled “dark green” included a man who relieves himself on his lawn to save water, rather than just because he’s maggoted.

Those labelled “dark green” included a man who relieves himself on his lawn to save water. I can’t really see a problem with that – as long as it’s not his urine that’s dark green. Then there’s a big problem.

Oh my god. A man pissing somewhere that isn’t a toilet. Now I’ve seen everything.

Those labelled “dark green” included a man who relieves himself on his lawn to save water. But they should’ve done a survey at the Melbourne Cup – clearly it was over-run with insane environmentalists!

If pissing on something that’s not a toilet is a sign of carborexia, lock me up – I’m clearly craaazy.

One woman was considered a dark green carborexic because she slept with her family en masse to save on heating bills. Good grief! That means we’re all descended from eco-maniacs!

Some carborexics get so obsessive compulsive they can not-wash their hands hundreds of times a day! / they can spend hours every day not washing their hands!

The report author said that he invented the term carborexic so that he could stop feeling so damn guilty.

They decided on “carborexic” after people took offence at the original “stark raving carbonkers”.

Asked why the word is a bad pun based on “anorexia”, instead of being more cleverly related to the actual illness, the author said the decision was actually totally “carbitrary”.

Carborexics are also identifiable by the way they pester other people to change their ways. The report’s author said that one key aim was to let them see how it feels.

Wow. So now being environmentally-responsible is being called a “disease”. The neocons are clearly getting desperate.

The report claims not only that concern for your environmental impact is actually a mental problem, but animal rights campaigning gives you cancer.

Some people are actually even buying water tanks and watering their gardens with bathwater. Nuts. / Don’t they know fresh water comes out of the tap? Der.

Some people are actually even going so far as to eat only vegetables from their own garden, wear second-hand clothes and ride bikes! Huh. Nutjobs. / Someone stop them before they hurt themselves or others!

Some people have even got rid of their cars, and now only ride bikes or walk. Just what we need – a bunch of crazy people who are also really really fit.

The founder of one eco-retailer admitted he was obsessed with his carbon footprint. “I don’t eat any meat, when I drive I drive a hybrid, I try to walk to work as often as I can, and I power my gadgets with solar.” See! He’s stark raving mad! / Quick! Lock him up, he’s craaaazy!

So it’s okay to save your bathwater and rainwater, but you if you’re wringing your tissues out, you’re going too far.

To save water, many OCD patients spend all day crying into a bucket.

It’s a sad affliction. But please, if you’re moved to tears, cry over the garden. / make sure you cry into a bucket. / make sure you wring out that tissue into the garden.

You know you’ve got a psychological problem with

Others are only switching the fridge on during warm weather.

There’s nothing wrong with trying to reduce your environmental impact. The problem is being smug about it.

One sign that you might have a carborexia problem is if you’re worried about the environmental impact of reducing your environmental impact.

Signs of being obsessive-compulsive about your environmentalism include constant checking of electricity or gas meters, interfering in the other people’s lives, and sitting all day in the dark.

One sign of carborexia is constantly checking your electricity or gas meter. Though I guess that is a sort of recycling.

You can tell an enviro-obsessive-compulsive – they’re the ones constantly washing their hands with grey water.

It’s not exactly clear what’s the difference between a greenie and a dark greenie. I think it might be something to do with how often you wash.

So now there’s “dark greenies”. And so many dark greenies have the blues because they’re in the red.

So now there’s the “dark greenies”. Then there’s communist dark greenies, or “red dark greenies”. And, of course, when they’re communist dark greenies who are sad and scared because they have no money, they’re “yellow blue red dark greenies in the red”. But then when they’re beaten up because they have good credit, they’re “black and blue yellow blue red dark greenies in the black”.

Carborexia. What a terrible name. Ecorexia would’ve been much catchier. Just saying.

Carborexic is a terrible name. They should be called ecomaniacs.

Leave a Reply