Compulsory Artificial Turf (Good News Week 24/11/08: 3 1/2 Corners)

Due to drought and climate change, the AFL and Cricket Australia are looking for a new kind of turf that both sports can be played on. The most likely so far is something they’re calling “dirt”. / “dead grass”.

The best surface for playing cricket on so far is something scientists are calling “the driveway”. But over the fence is six and out.

It actually could be the solution to our perma-drought: artificial turf, artificial flowers, artificial crops and vegetables and artificial drinking water. Who needs rain?

Artificial turf will make sure that schoolkids can continue to play sport on soft green surfaces. Now why didn’t our farmers think of that?

And, if the artificial turf works to save cricket and footy, they’re going to try to use it to save our farmers.

And, if the artificial turf works as well as real turf, they’re going to start work on artificial water. / crops.

And, to properly recreate the surfaces that amateur sports are played on, the new turf should be littered with stubbies and cigarette butts.

So drought has brought the footy and cricket administrators together. Though they began their meeting with the traditional volleys of abuse and punches.

The drought has brought footy and cricket administrators together at last. Look forward to the new games “ficket” and “crooty”.

The artificial turf goes some way towards alleviating the effects of drought. Still not sure how they’re going to grow the half-time oranges.

So as our kids grow up dehydrated in a parched, dry world filled with power outages, at least they can roll around in some lush green polymer substrate.

The two sports groups have commissioned Ballarat University to develop a set of criteria for artificial turf that is suitable for both sports. So far, the Uni has determined that the turf needs to be able to handle spitting, speccies, and the occasional sledge. / handle outpourings of arrogance, aggression, and the occasional streaker.

Even better, the new artificial grass is completely undetectable in drug tests.

They’re trying to imbue the artificial turf with hormones that stop men acting like complete fucktards, but it just doesn’t seem to be working.

The AFL submitted a plan to the Federal Government calling on sport to be included within the national curriculum as a means to combat childhood obesity, and replace it with childhood obnoxiousness. / machismo. / egomania. / beatings and gang-rape.

They’re also asking that sports have a dedicated place in the national schools’ curriculum. They believe that PE and interschool sports just aren’t enough – and after all, the kids don’t really need English and maths. / you don’t need to learn English to be able to sledge. And what’s Maths but fancied-up cricket stats?

They’re also asking that sports have a dedicated place in the national schools’ curriculum. They believe that PE and interschool sports just aren’t enough – there should be a subject dedicated to googlies. / dedicated to sledging. / dedicated to ball-handling. / dedicated to sinking piss. / dedicated to how to convince your wife you’re not sleeping with English call-girls. / dedicated to picking up slappers. / dedicated to acting like a fuck-knuckle.

Surely we don’t need more sports at school? My old phys ed teacher taught us more than we wanted to know about ball-handling.

If the artificial turf doesn’t work out, they might be able to play cricket and footy down at the beach. That way the worse the drought, the better kids tan!

Playing on ovals fitted with artificial turf prevents kids from scraping their elbows and knees. Unless they have artificial limbs.

Unfortunately, creating the artificial turf does result in tonnes more greenhouse emissions, making climate change even worse. But at least the footy’ll be OK!

Unfortunately, creating the artificial turf does result in tonnes more greenhouse emissions, making climate change even worse. But it won’t matter – by then, we’ll have the artificial turf.

And, to combat the violence and arrogance, they’re working on artificial players.

And if the artificial turf works out OK, they’re thinking of developing artificial humility. / artificial understanding. / artificial women that footballers can do whatever they want with.

But I think they should play on the traditional surface: asphalt. / Astroturf.

Ballarat University researchers have spent a small portion of their budget on some Astroturf, and the rest on a massive piss-up. Everybody wins!

And yes, they are aware of the existence of Astroturf, but they really want something they can use on Earth.

Ballarat Uni has been employed to design the new artificial turf, although there was an unfortunate false start when they instead designed an artificial smurf. (The worst thing was that it turned out regular smurfs were already artificial.)

Ballarat Uni has been employed to design the new artificial turf, although there was an unfortunate false start when they instead designed an artificial surf-n-turf. Although the fake prawns were delicious.

But this new artificial surface is likely to have unnaturally even bounce. It’s just not fair!

To properly recreate the feel of a turf cricket pitch, the artificial turf is being designed to dry, crack, and be unplayable after five days.

Cricket Australia was also keen to see if the artificial turf would be able to be designed so that we started winning again. Please!

Cricket Australia has decided to go with artificial turf as it’s hoped to give Australia an artificial advantage. Go on, we need it!

They are also researching into whether Ricky Ponting would be better replaced with an artificial skipper.

Personally, I can’t believe that school sports grounds aren’t allowed to be watered. I know we’re all running out of water and everything, but that’s just unAustralian.

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