Mo guns (Good News Week 24/11/08: 3 1/2 Corners)

Sales of guns are on the rise in the US with Barack Obama’s victory – although that’s mainly just to assassins, lone gunmen, and the KKK.

Sales of firearms are on the rise in the US as gun enthusiasts try to circumvent potential firearms restrictions brought in by the change of government. Not that Obama’s said anything to that effect, but the populace have noticed the man has a distinct lack of bloodstains and hunting trophies. / have noticed that he’s barely shot anyone. / have noticed that he just doesn’t seem to reek of death. / have noticed he doesn’t seem to be packin’.

Sales of guns have skyrocketed – and sales of skyrockets have gunned. / are going great guns.

US gun-sales have gone up 15% due to Obama’s victory – and that’s just al Qaida.

But if Obama takes away their guns, how are they going to take revenge by assassinating him?

How else are Americans supposed to defend themselves by mowing down a school? How?

The second amendment protects Americans’ rights to keep and bear arms to prevent a military takeover. Though I’m sure the founding fathers would also be cool about it resulting in school massacres. / And to take out people who really piss you off. / And to take out those school bullies. / And to take out people who really piss you off at school.

Word has spread through the gun community that Obama voted for several measures restricting sales of certain categories of firearms. Because Americans need to not only defend themselves, but use a rocket-launcher if they so choose.

Gun sales went up in the last couple of months before the election, which is thought to be people scared of Barack Obama being elected and cracking down on gun ownership. Though it could have been Sarah Palin spending the remainder of her clothing allowance.

“Yes we can!” Er, no buddy, I don’t think so. / I wouldn’t be so sure about that, buddy. / Sure you can. / You wanna try? / Well, maybe you can and maybe you can’t. Do you feel lucky, punk?

Gun sales jumped 15% when it became apparent that Obama was heading for victory. Not that big a leap when you consider that psychotic redneck snipers rose by 115%.

Not only is Barack against guns, but he’s not that fond of lynchings, stabbings, or fatal bashings with large blunt objects. What a freakin’ pussy.

Gun shop owners say a large part of the semiautomatic firearms surge could be attributable to hunters – you know, for when you’re hunting robot bears. / for when you don’t just want to shoot the deer, you want to shock and awe it. / you know, some of them deer run mighty fast. / for when you’re huntin’ the Viet-Cong.

Because when gun ownership’s under threat, you want to make sure you’ve got plenty of things to pry from your cold dead hands.

But surely stocking up on guns just before they’re banned is stupid; a bit like stocking up on drugs when you know you’re going to get busted. Although admittedly drugs are harder to lethally administer when they come to take them off you.

Gun sales have soared with expectations that Obama will bring in harsher gun controls. But most of the extra purchases are by law-enforcement officials who figure if they’re going to have to pry guns from their owners’ cold dead hands, they want to make sure they’re properly dead.

People figure that with a black guy in charge, they’d better get ready for more drive-bys.

An increase in unemployment also may contribute to rising gun sales. There’s a lotta people recently out of work who wanna get even.

Unemployment has also surged, which tends to result in hunters hunting more. You know, they have more time. And bigger grudges.

Unemployment has also surged, which tends to result in hunters hunting more. Especially jobhunters.

An increase in unemployment also may contribute to rising gun sales. Ah, that’s a comforting combination.

An increase in unemployment also may contribute to rising gun sales. Well, gangland drug-violence doesn’t just commit itself, you know.

Ghetto gangstas are also buying more guns. And Obama’s gunna get it, once they work out whether he’s a Crip or a Blood.

Obama doesn’t care. More guns purchased now is just more guns to confiscate later. / More guns now just makes for a sweeter confiscation later on. / just makes for a sweeter buy-back.

Obama’s not planning on scrapping the 2nd Amendment – just amending it a little.

It’s crazy. Taking away Americans’ guns would be like taking away their obesity, their pollution, or their revolting obsession with celebrity! / or their dangerous self-worship! / or their unilateral megalomania! / or their hatred of other cultures!

If only Sarah Palin had’ve been elected. She would’ve made guns compulsory.

Of course arms are a little different now since when the Second Amendment was passed. Back then it meant a bow and arrow. Or, y’know, arms. (hold up arms)

It’s all been based on a misunderstanding anyway. The “right to bear arms” is really just about the right to wear a t-shirt.

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