Foreskins For Fashion (Good News Week 24/11/08: So You Think You Can Mime)

Skin cells cultured from babies’ foreskins are being injected into faces as a wrinkle treatment. They claim that the treatment is permanent, although your face does temporarily get some wrinkles just after you go pee-pee.

It’s great if you want your wrinkle treatment to be permanent, or if botulism toxin is just not quite a gross enough thing to inject into your face.

The radical British procedure is called Vavelta, as Foreskinface didn’t market test so well. / was a little too honest.

The radical British procedure is called Vavelta, which is proving much more popular than the original “Cockface”.

The radical British procedure is called Vavelta, though I don’t see what’s wrong with Bristox. / BoCocks.

Finally – that huge pile of baby foreskins was starting to stink.

Well, what else are you going to do with all those foreskins?

And if you’re impressed by that, you should see what they can do with a whole baby!

It’s about time – I was wondering when baby foreskins were coming back into fashion.

Of course, if you accidentally use scrotum, you end up with bags under your eyes.

But you’ve got to be careful. Use too much and you just look like a dickhead.

But you need to be careful. Rub your face the wrong way and you can end up with a facial erection. And that’s hard to hide.

The cells rejuvenate and restructure aging and damaged skin from the inside by repopulating the lower layers of skin with millions of healthy young cells. The only downside is that for the first two years you have to cover your face in a nappy. / your face has a tendency to piss itself.

Hopefully the procedure doesn’t become too popular, or they’ll have to invent some new reasons to slice the end off your son’s penis.

Hopefully the procedure catches on, or they’ll have to invent new reasons to slice the end off your son’s penis.

There’s no better reason to mutilate your babies. / Finally, a good reason to mutilate your babies.

For once, a surgical procedure you actually want the doctor to cock up.

But really – who hasn’t looked at a newborn baby boy and thought about it? / and thought “I know…”

The scientists who discovered the technique are thrilled. They just knew their foreskin collection would come in handy one day.

But you’ve got to be careful. Use the wrong cells and you end up with a cock growing out of your face. / and you could end up giving yourself a cranial penis lobotomy.

The scientists who discovered the technique are thrilled. Everyone thought they were weird for wanting to inject peoples’ faces with baby foreskin. Turns out they were just ahead of their time.

Jewish mums have never been happier.

Unfortunately, they still haven’t worked out what to do with the rest of the baby. / they still have no cosmetic application for the rest of the baby.

Scientists are now trying to breed a baby that is all foreskin. They’re calling it the “Keith Richards”. / “Mick Jagger”. / “The Queen”.

The foreskin cells give you a nice smooth forehead. Though if you catch sight of some hot girls you can end up looking like Brendan Nelson. / you won’t believe how smooth it gets.

Sure it gives you a smooth face, but you get a swollen purple head. / but the throbbing blue veins are a bit of a problem.

Ironic, really, that to make people’s faces smooth they use the wrinkliest part of the body. It’s like curing people’s acne with arsepimples. / softening peoples’ skin with toenails. / curing peoples’ BO with colon cells.

Finally – an actual reason for circumcision.

Finally, circumcision isn’t just a barbaric painful ritual inflicted on innocent children with no actual benefits for anyone involved.

Proof that circumcision really does provide health benefits – for the parents.

Foreskins can also be used as a cure for circumcision.

And if you inject botox in your penis, the foreskin grows back!

The procedure was discovered because they had all these foreskins left over, just begging to be injected into someone’s face.

Great. Why couldn’t they have discovered that foreskins were an aging cure when circumcision was still popular? Now everyone’s forehead’s going to end up Jewish.

This way when your sons give you wrinkles, they can also provide the cure!

Of course! Foreskin is perfect for your forehead!

Well duh. What other skin are you going to inject into your forehead?

Of course, if you implant a foreskin into your forehead, you end up with an eightskinhead. Just so you know.

Finally, people who are feeling like they’re looking a bit old can inject baby foreskins into their faces. Doesn’t really help them all that much, but it gives the rest of us something to laugh about.

But is ageing really so bad that we’re going to inject ourselves with foreskin-tissue? I mean, we wouldn’t inject ourselves with botulism toxins just to look young– oh, no, hang on, that’s right, we would.

Of course, if you’re uncircumcised and getting a bit old, you can just use your own foreskin. And if you’re very old, you don’t even need to cut it off – you can just stretch it over your head like a hoodie.

In the future, when someone calls you a dickhead, it’ll be a compliment.

It’s all fine until your face starts pissing all over you.

It’s great for removing wrinkles, and also gives you these cool curly eyebrows.

Or for a cheaper procedure, just staple foreskins to your face. Mmmm, so smooth! / Mmm, as smooth as a baby’s cock!

It’s the one procedure guaranteed to make your face baby-cock-smooth.

It’s perfect to give your face that just-cut-off-a-baby’s-cock feeling.

They want to use even more baby genitals in cosmetic surgery, but they haven’t got the balls. / enough balls.

Of course, about 15 years after you have the treatment, your face starts swelling up at inappropriate times – and you don’t wanna know what happens at night. / and you can’t stop rubbing your face. / and your face starts growing short curly hairs. / and you start crying creamy tears. / and your sweat comes out white.

And, in another scientific breakthrough, scientists are now able to graft your face onto the end of your cock! / a tiny little face onto the end of your penis!

Unfortunately for those who’ve had the operation, it turned out to just be a misunderstanding when a cosmetic surgeon asked for “some more skin”.

The scientists are now experimenting to see what kind of facial smoothing they can get from flaps.

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