Madonna’s Custody List (Good News Week 24/11/08: Warren)

Madonna has demanded that newly-estranged hubby Guy Ritchie adhere to a strict 12-point list to get access to their sons Rocco and David, including a ban on newspapers, magazines, TV, photographs, meat, man-made fibres, spiritual and unethical toys, meeting Ritchie’s friends and water unblessed by Kabbalah religious leaders. It’s making Guy nostalgic – it’s just like he’s still married to her.

“No spiritual or unethical toys”. So “Secular Philanthropist Action Man” is fine. / “Helpful Atheist Barbie” is still okay. / “Pleasant Agnostic Action Man” is just perfect.

They’re not allowed any unethical toys. After all, Bratz dolls would just remind them of Mummy. / make them miss Mummy.

The boys must be kept away from anything that might exert an unethical influence. So there goes her back catalogue. / Especially her film clips.

Madge has insisted on no TV. She wouldn’t want them to accidentally see one of Guy’s movies. / They might accidentally see one of her film clips and be traumatised for life.

Madge has insisted on no TV. It could be an even worse influence on her children than she is.

Madge has insisted on no TV, newspapers, or magazines. The last thing she wants her children to hear is what an utter trollop she is. / There’s nothing worse for children than information about the outside world. / Which means they’re still allowed comics and internet porn. / After all, there’s nothing worse for kids than entertainment. / And, if possible, could he please lock them up in a cage.

Ritchie has to read their son David the bedtime stories that Madonna herself wrote. He’s also not allowed to correct the grammar. / But she didn’t say he couldn’t read it in a snarky voice.

Ritchie also has to read them the bedtime stories that Madonna wrote. And only play them music that she’s made. And not show them any pathetically-wooden Z-grade acting performances but her own.

Madonna has demanded that ex Guy Ritchie ban all newspapers, magazines, TV, photographs, meat, man-made fibres, spiritual and unethical toys, locks, stocks, and two smoking barrels.

At bedtime, Ritchie has to read three-year-old David the English Rose books that Madonna herself wrote. Though eight-year-old Rocco is allowed to be read Sex.

Not only are the boys only allowed to drink water that’s been blessed by Kabbalah religious leaders, but the only sunlight they’re allowed must shine out of Madonna’s arse.

Ritchie also has to stop making films. That’s not for the health of the kids, more for the rest of us. / Oh, that’s not one of her requirements, they’re just really shit movies. / Just my personal opinion.

Ritchie has agreed to abide by Madonna’s list lock, stock and one smoking barrel. The other smoking barrel is aimed at the bitch’s head.

The kids’ hands have to be cleaned with disinfectant if they’re in public places. The Michael Jackson facemasks are still on order. / At home, he should just use the scourer.

They’re only allowed to wear clothes sent with them by Madonna. So there goes the kids’ matching “Madonna’s A Filthy Slut” t-shirts. / the kids’ matching “My Mum’s A Fucking Nutter” t-shirts.

They’re only allowed to wear clothes sent with them by Madonna. Makes sense – she’s a girl who knows her material.

If they need new clothes, no man-made fibres. She’s such a material girl.

Ritchie isn’t allowed to talk about the separation. She’s afraid Papa might preach.

All water has to be blessed by Kabbalah religious leaders, and Ritchie also has to stop referring to it as Ka-blahblah.

All food has to be macrobiotic, vegetarian and organic, and all olive oil must be like a virgin.

Madonna wants to ensure that her boys engage in no unethical behaviour, except possibly on stage.

Madonna expects her boys to lead pure, ethical lives, untainted by any of Ritchie’s girlfriends. The only wanton slut in their lives should be Mummy.

Ritchie’s also written his own list of things Madonna needs to do. It’s fairly short: “Just Fuck Off”. / Number one: “Go Fuck Yourself”. And… that seems to be it.

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