Death to the Lipsynchers (Good News Week 24/11/08: Warren)

The Culture Ministry stipulates that artists must not “use pre-recorded songs or music to replace live singing or instrument-playing”. The Chinese Government believes that lying, manipulation and coverups don’t belong in the arts – they belong in politics. / should be restricted to politics.

Chinese authorities plan to punish singers who lip-synch for “cheating the public”. The punishment hasn’t been specified, though I’m sure that any cases will be reported with complete accuracy and freedom.

Lip-synchers will be punished – by being forced to listen to their own actual singing.

The Culture Ministry stipulates that artists must not “use pre-recorded songs or music to replace live singing or instrument-playing”. Now you know why there aren’t any Chinese DJs.

The Culture Ministry stipulates that artists must not “use pre-recorded songs or music to replace live singing or instrument-playing”. And synthesisers are only allowed if they’re unplugged.

And when you get bamboo hammered under your fingernails, you’d better ensure that your screams aren’t mimed…

And now you know why there are no Chinese mimes.

So now in Chinese karaoke bars, it’s not just the audience being tortured.

Karaoke now demands that, if you sing a song, you need to have the original band playing on stage with you. Avoid picking the Beatles… / the Doors…

If you lip-synch, the punish you with the lip-clamp. / in the lip-sink. And yes, it’s just as disturbing as it sounds.

The Chinese Government takes their singing very seriously. They’re hoping for a crack at Eurovision.

Displays of air guitar also qualify as “cheating the public”. Someone might be misled into thinking that you’re a guitar virtuoso with a newly-invented invisible instrument.

Not only does lip-synching qualify as “cheating the public” under the new laws, but so does story-telling, movie-making, and dressing up as a pantomime horse.

The only people who are allowed to mime now are mimes.

Of course, the people worst-affected by the new anti-miming rules are mimes.

The equal and fair rulers of the People’s Democratic Republic of China just can’t stand people being misled.

The Government said that anyone caught misleading the public will be taken away to Special Happy-Funtimes-Land and you are to ask no more questions.

Anyone caught misleading the public will be led away and offered a job in Government.

Good to see the Chinese Government correcting their own mistakes. Apparently they’re also considering outlawing running people over with tanks.

Now, is there any way we can arrange a Milli Vanilli tour?

Finally, Milli Vanilli can be tortured!

Anyone caught miming will be locked in a room and be subjected to round-the-clock Milli Vanilli.

Now we know why Marcel Marceau never made it to China.

Betty Boo has quietly cancelled her comeback tour of China.

Of course it was the Chinese Government that caused the lip-synching controversy at the Olympic Opening Ceremony, but they’re ensuring it will never happen again. At least not by that cute little corpse. / adorable little child who never existed.

So that gorgeous little girl who won the hearts of the world at the Olympic opening ceremony is now entertaining the Beijing attack dogs.

The Culture Ministry stipulates that artists must not “use pre-recorded songs or music to replace live singing or instrument-playing”. Tragically, the announcement took place in the middle of a Britney tour, and she hasn’t been seen since.

But enforcing the law strictly will mean a ban on all recorded material. Which is fair enough, recorded material veers uncomfortably close to “evidence”.

From now on, CDs are to be used as coasters. And nothing else.

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