The Rudd Wars (Good News Week 24/11/08: What’s the Story)

Kevin Rudd used Remembrance Day to announce a War on Unemployment. Inevitably, there will be casualties, but at the going down of the economy, we will remember them.

Kevin Rudd used Remembrance Day to announce a War on Unemployment, following on from his previously announced wars on inflation, drugs, whalers, disadvantage, downloads, pokies, doping in sport and bankers’ salaries. Whew. No wonder he needed to pull troops out of Iraq.

So far, Rudd’s fought a “war” on drugs, inflation, downloads, pokies, and now unemployment. For a pacifist, he’s pretty gung-ho. / He’s a big fan of all wars except actual ones. / He just loves wars! Oh, except real ones.

Turns out Rudd is a big fan of war. As long as there’s no weapons, fighting, soldiers, battlefield, or actual war.

Joe Hockey asked the PM how the “war on everything” was going. Well, they’ve just gotten 3 million bucks for 10 shows on the ABC. So they’re staving off unemployment just fine.

Joe Hockey asked the PM how the “war on everything” was going. Rudd said he’d give an answer just as soon as he’d gotten into his Osama costume.

So far, Rudd’s fought a metaphorical war on drugs, inflation, downloads, pokies, and now unemployment. He’s a metaphorical war hero! / He’s building up quite a collection of metaphorical medals.

So far, Rudd’s fought a “war” on drugs, inflation, downloads, pokies, and now unemployment. But our metaphorical military is stretched beyond its metaphorical means. If he’s not careful, he’ll be facing a metaphorical mutiny!

Good on you Kevin. If there’s one thing this country needs, it’s a bunch more unwinnable wars.

Rudd has declared a “war on unemployment”. Typical – pollies always pick on the weak, the downtrodden, and the abstract nouns.

Rudd has declared a “war on unemployment”. Not fair – what can unemployment use to fight back? It doesn’t have any money!

Rudd has declared a “war on unemployment”. Jobseekers are now being referred to as P.O.W.s.

Rudd has declared a “war on unemployment”. No wonder the dole office is so much like a concentration camp.

Announcing it on Remembrance Day might have been a mistake. A lot of the unemployed took their poppies home and tried to smoke them. / shoot them up.

At least now we know where all the troops he takes out of Iraq will be going – straight to Centrelink.

Of course, if it looks like it’s not working, he can just give everyone jobs fighting the war. / he’ll just introduce conscription.

He’s still working out how to deal with the civilian casualties. / Though something’s wrong if there are civilian casualties.

But it’s an unwinnable war. Because, if every jobseeker was employed, their case-managers would be out of a job. / Because if every jobseeker is employed, everyone at Centrelink loses their job.

Rudd’s War on Unemployment largely seems to consist of throwing gigantic buckets of money at car companies and the ABC childcare monopoly. But handing out money to large corporations is no way to win a war – didn’t Iraq teach him anything?

But it’s clearly not a war. If it was a real war, Rudd would be at home hiding under the bed (asking for his mummy).

Rudd won’t just be targeting unemployment, but anyone who funds, shelters or harbours unemployment.

If it’s a war on unemployment, I guess that makes giving someone the sack a war-crime. / aiding the enemy. / treason.

After all, unemployment wants to destroy our way of life. Oh, except the dolebludgers, they should be okay.

Best thing is, it’s an easy war to win. Just employ everyone unemployed as soldiers in the war and they don’t even need to lift a finger!

Rudd won’t just be targeting unemployment, but anyone who funds, shelters or harbours unemployment.

A War! On Unemployment! Well, the War on Terror is so on the nose, they’re thinking of re-branding Osama as a dole bludger.

Rudd’s already briefing the airforce on bombarding Centrelink offices with employed people.

Rudd’s got a perfect strategy for fighting unemployment: bomb all the Centrelink offices. (No more unemployment, and a lot less unemployed!)

Rudd’s got a perfect strategy for fighting unemployment: wipe out all the unemployed!

Rudd’s celebrates a year in office today, and he’s already running out of things to declare war on. The carpet maybe? Naah, some people like carpet. What about cockroaches, no-one likes those.

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