2008: the year that was (Good News Week 24/11/08: monologue)

It was the year:

Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations. And Brendan Nelson told us why it was just tough love.

Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations. Or as Brendan Nelson preferred to phrase it, the borrowed-with-the-best-intentions generations.

Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations. And Brendan Nelson apologised for having to apologise.

Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations, while Brendan Nelson took a more nuanced approach with a qualified apology that managed to offend everyone equally.

Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations, buying himself a good 12 months of not having to actually do anything about the indigenous population.

Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations. Apology is so much easier than a policy.

Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations, while John Howard went drinking with Ironbar Tuckey.

Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations. And Brendan Nelson apologised for the needs-based and racially-sensitive collection, boarding and education of particular at-risk children. And then went into detailed descriptions of child abuse. Man, he was such a fun guy.

Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations, and Australia felt a new hope! Little did we know that the Empire would strike back… / But we should’ve known that the Empire would strike back!

Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations, and you know what? Society didn’t collapse after all!

Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations, and then to the rest of Australia for not apologising to them, and then to his wife Therese for forgetting to put the bin out. Once he’d started, he just couldn’t stop!

Kevin Rudd said the long-awaited “sorry”, and then, as soon as we were in the mood to really celebrate, he raised the prices of our mixed drinks by 70%. / and by the time we got to the bottleshop for some celebratory scotch-n-cokes, he’d raised their prices by 70%. GOTCHA!

Australia lost their place at the top of the cricketing tree when the Indian side discovered that their sledging was just as world-class.

Australia’s cricket team discovered that their aging tedious defensive tactics were no match for India’s fresh young tedious defensive tactics.

Hooray: the Vatican declared seven new deadly sins: genetic modification, human experimentations, polluting the environment, social injustice, causing poverty, financial gluttony and taking drugs. What they lack in pithiness they make up for in moral judgment calls!

The Vatican brought the 7 Deadly Sins into the 21st century by adding 7 new ones. From now on it’s a sin to be grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, happy, sleepy, or doc.

Of course, it’s going to cost them billions in getting the bible reprinted. / in recalling all the bibles and popping that little “erratum” slip in. / in recalling everyone’s bibles and replacing them with the updated ones.

The Vatican declared that there were seven new deadly sins. Hopefully next year God will get around to updating the Bible, it’s hideously out of date. / it’s been two thousand years since the last instalment.

The Vatican brought the 7 Deadly Sins into the 21st century by adding 7 new ones – and none of them even mention alcopops.

The Vatican brought the 7 Deadly Sins into the 21st century by adding 7 new ones. And, as far as I can tell, watching a Japanese girl lick mayonnaise off an octopus is still okay! So we’re still on for this weekend, Mikey.

The Vatican brought the 7 Deadly Sins into the 21st century by adding 7 new ones. Only seven? The pope clearly doesn’t frequent the websites I’m watching – or he does, and wants to keep them around…

The Vatican brought the 7 Deadly Sins into the 21st century by adding 7 new ones. And still no mention of plushies, mechophiles, and prawnography! So go for your life, you sick people you.

The Vatican brought the 7 Deadly Sins into the 21st century by adding 7 new ones. The world has never been so deadly!

The Vatican brought the 7 Deadly Sins into the 21st century by adding 7 new ones. They also added one more Horseman of the Apocalypse. His name is Dennis.

The Vatican brought the 7 Deadly Sins into the 21st century by adding 7 new ones. And 3 Wicked Witches.

The Vatican brought the 7 Deadly Sins into the 21st century by adding 7 new ones. Obviously God’s been on the blower to the Pope and asked what he’s doing about all this spam clogging the Almighty’s inbox.

In Qld, the Liberal & National parties merged, figuring that the way to guarantee electoral success is to thoroughly confuse the electorate about who they’re voting for. (They’re going to call themselves “Labour” with a “u”.)

In Qld, the Liberal & National parties merged, forming the Lational Party. Anyone dares suggest that the merger was a bad idea, and they get a lashin’. / If anyone dares suggest that the merger was a bad idea, a lational change their minds.

In Qld, the Liberal & National parties merged, forming a new party that supports grassroots farming communities, and the old-money elite that want them crushed like bugs. Should work well.

In Qld, the Liberal & National parties merged, forming a new party that supports both small-scale family-run agriculture, and the multinational free-market corporations which are trying to buy them out. So now we can just stand back and watch the new party spontaneously combust.

In Qld, the Liberal & National parties merged. Finally, a party for the handful of miserable bastards who don’t like all this hope and joy and reconciliation.

The N.S.W. Labor Party lost one idiot Premier & appointed another, meaning the crazy fundamentalists of the Liberal Party might end up actually winning the election. Roll up roll up NSW voters, and choose whether incompetence or insanity will ruin your lives!

The N.S.W. Liberal Party became more confident of winning the next election, just so long as the Labor Party can run out of MPs.

Morris Iemma quit the Premiership of New South Wales, meaning that he’ll have to look perpetually surprised about something else.

Binge drinkers officially replaced terrorists as the worst scum on Earth, & the govt. launched new taxes, scare campaigns & ad restrictions to fight the evil. It’s enough to drive you to drink…

Binge drinkers officially replaced terrorists as the worst scum on Earth, & the govt. launched new taxes, scare campaigns & ad restrictions to fight the evil. Meanwhile, binge drinkers reckoned the problem is the word “binge”. Sounds too much like “whinge”.

The government launched an assault on binge drinkers, massively inflating the tax on alcopops, restricting alcohol advertising and launching scare campaigns. The resultant outcry came from a new menace: whinge drinkers.

Binge drinkers officially replaced terrorists as the worst scum on Earth. Makes sense – after all, most jihadists are pretty much anti-alcohol too. / After all, it’s hard to be anti-terrorist when they’re fighting for the same alcohol-free world you are. / After all, when it comes to alcopops, Rudd and bin Laden agree.

To counter binge drinking, the government raised taxes on the ultimate evil: alcopops. Don’t worry, you can still drink alcohol – the real enemy is that damn carbonated sugar-water they mix it with.

The government launched an attack on binge drinkers. And bingo drinkers – your number is up.

The government launched new taxes, scare campaigns & ad restrictions to fight the evil of binge drinking. But what will footballers do now? / They must really hate footballers. / Typical Labor, they cuddle up to indigenous people and women, but they couldn’t care less about footy players.

Australian football & rugby league had a Qantas of a year, as players glassed, groped & urinated their way around the country. But at least this year it was mostly just each other.

Australian football & rugby league had a Qantas of a year, as players glassed, groped & urinated their way around the country. This sort of thing is bound to happen when you take away their balls.

In New Zealand, a drunk bloke got into trouble after calling police to claim he’d been raped by a wombat. Just for next time mate, a Kiwi would be more believable. Wombats aren’t known for their zoo breakouts.

In New Zealand, a drunk bloke got into trouble after calling police to claim he’d been raped by a wombat. Ah, there’s nothing to relieve the boredom like calling the cops with a story of marsupial rape.

In New Zealand, a drunk bloke got into trouble after calling police to claim he’d been raped by a wombat. But at least he was brave enough to report it.

In New Zealand, a drunk bloke got into trouble after calling police to claim he’d been raped by a wombat. Being drunk just meant he couldn’t say “no”.

In New Zealand, a drunk bloke got into trouble after calling police to claim he’d been raped by a wombat. But he was just saying that because he was drunk. According to the wombat.

In Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe lost the election, & yet is still in power. Hey, it was good enough for Dubya. / He got the idea from Dubya…

In Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe lost the election, & yet is still in power. It’s amazing what you can achieve with a strong vision, a well-thought-out campaign, and genital electrodes.

In Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe lost the election, & yet remains President. Because the power of the people ain’t nothing compared to the people of the power.

In Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe lost the election, & yet is still in power. He says he forgives the population – everyone makes mistakes.

In Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe lost the original election, but was re-elected in a run-off election, when the opposition ran off.

In Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe wasn’t able to threaten his way to an election victory, so decided he’d have to follow through. He’s a man of his word.

Australia got its first female Governor-General, Quentin Bryce. Bit of a mistake actually, the PM thought Quentin was a bloke.

Quentin Bryce became Australia’s first female Governor-General. What next? A female Queen?

Quentin Bryce became Australia’s first female Governor-General, Barack Obama became the USA’s first black President, and Andrew Symons became the world’s first cricketing monkey.

Canberra played host to 1000 of Australia’s “best & brightest” at the 2020 Summit. I would’ve been there, but I was really busy that weekend. / my invitation must’ve got lost in the post.

At the 2020 Summit, Kevin Rudd asked 1000 of Australia’s best and brightest to come up with an idea for Australia’s future that would cost nothing. Most of them involved Rudd’s finger and backside in an unfortunate congress.

Canberra played host to 1000 of Australia’s “best & brightest” at the 2020 Summit. They didn’t achieve much but at least they got a massive ego trip. / got a giant head-swell.

Canberra played host to 1000 of Australia’s “best & brightest” at the 2020 Summit, leaving us “worst & stupidest” to wonder what the point was.

In Western Australia, opposition leader Troy Buswell admitted to sniffing the chair of a female staffer. The Libs eventually replaced him and were surprised when they won the election. The federal Libs took the hint and replaced Brendan Nelson, who definitely looked like he’d been sniffing something.

In Western Australia, opposition leader Troy Buswell admitted to sniffing the chair of a female staffer. The Libs eventually replaced him and were surprised when they won the election. They didn’t think they had a sniff!

In Western Australia, opposition leader Troy Buswell admitted to sniffing the chair of a female staffer. Which was better than his original plan of shoving his face between her breasts and going wubbawubbawubba.

In Western Australia, opposition leader Troy Buswell admitted to sniffing the chair of a female staffer. But he claimed it was nothing weird or perverse – he just wanted to smell her cunt.

The Pentagon announced plans to build a $5 billion tourist development is Baghdad’s Green Zone. Because if there’s one place whose tourism industry can’t go anywhere but up, it’s Iraq. / I mean, it’s not like tourism in Iraq can go down. / like Iraq can become less popular.

The Pentagon announced plans to build a $5 billion tourist development is Baghdad’s Green Zone, so the terrorists have something worth aiming for.

The Pentagon announced plans to build a $5 billion tourist development is Baghdad’s Green Zone. Guess there’s really nothing else to do there. / Once you’re controlling the oil, there’s really nothing else to do. / There’s really nothing else to do there. Other than liberate the Iraqi people, that’s right, sorry, forgot for a moment.

The Pentagon announced plans to build a $5 billion tourist development is Baghdad’s Green Zone. The Iraqi tourism industry is going to explode, once the insurgents are finished doing it. / The US are predicting a massive boom in tourism, once all the other massive booms are over. / Iraqi tourism will be going great guns, once all the insurgents are finished with them.

Kevin Rudd’s 24/7 workload saw a record number of public servants & staff either quit or transfer. That round the clock work made his armpits really whiffy. / Or maybe they just didn’t like Iced Vovos.

Kevin Rudd’s 24/7 workload saw a record number of public servants & staff either quit or transfer. Really made them yearn for the slack hours and ethics of the Howard years.

Kevin Rudd’s 24/7 workload saw a record number of public servants & staff either quit or transfer. Although, for some it’s worth staying just for the occasional chair-sniff.

After 3 decades, Parliament said goodbye to the Australian Democrats – although, really, it was like saying goodbye to that great-grandfather who’s been deranged and senile for ten years, and who thinks you’re someone from the French Foreign Legion. / that great-grandfather who’s deranged and senile and who for the last ten years has thought you’re just someone come to fix the TV reception.

After 3 decades, Parliament said goodbye to the Australian Democrats – although, really, it was more like “get fucked”. / “good riddance”.

After 3 decades, parliament said goodbye to the Australian Democrats. Remember them? Aw… ask your parents.

After 3 decades, parliament said goodbye to the Australian Democrats. Though it wasn’t a bad year for the American variety.

After 3 decades, parliament said goodbye to the Australian Democrats, though Lyn Allison vowed they’d be back in a different guise. The American Democrats wouldn’t be a bad one to choose.

After 3 decades, parliament said goodbye to the Australian Democrats, though Lyn Allison vowed they’d be back in a different guise. I’m hoping for a pantomime camel! / I hope they’ll be wearing capes! / Finally, we’ll get to see their superhero costumes!

A transgender man in America gave birth to a healthy baby, & announced he was pregnant with his second. America truly is the land of unlimited opportunity.

A transgender man in America gave birth to a healthy baby, and is already pregnant with his second. Pushing a real baby through an artificial vagina is just the best feeling.

Petrol prices hit record highs, then finally started to fall, & all we had to do was bring the global economy to its knees. Finally, we can afford to drive to our doom! / to Centrelink!

Petrol prices hit record highs, then finally started to fall, & all we had to do was bring the global economy to its knees. So not only are we entering a depression, we’re also pumping out a whole lot more carbon into the atmosphere. Go go human race!

Petrol prices hit record highs, then finally started to fall, & all we had to do was bring the global economy to its knees. It puts the “great” in “great depression”!

World Youth Day came to Sydney, along with the Pope, 250,000 pilgrims, and new laws against offensive tshirts, loud music and skateboarding. Clearly there’s nothing worse on Youth Day than things actual youth might enjoy.

World Youth Day came to Sydney, along with the Pope, 250,000 pilgrims, and a whole swathe of repressive new laws. It’s good to show the Youth what religion’s really about – restriction, repression, and trying to touch the ring of an old guy in a frock.

World Youth Day came to Sydney, along with 250,000 pilgrims and the Pope. He was never that popular when he was still a Nazi!

World Youth Day came to Sydney with a 250,000 pilgrims, and the Government fined everyone else for “causing annoyance”.

A massive crowd in Sydney on World Youth Day came to see the Pope – the very embodiment of youth.

Professor Ross Garnaut suggested we replace cow & sheep farming with kangaroos. He’s obviously never tried to shear a roo.

Professor Ross Garnaut suggested we replace cow & sheep farming with kangaroos. Not only is it better for the environment, but they’re more fun to catch! / but just think of the amount of stuffing you can fit in that pouch! Yum!

Professor Ross Garnaut suggested we replace cow & sheep farming with kangaroos. Not as meat – as farmers. / They’ll keep those sheep and cows in line better than human farmers ever could.

In his climate change report, Professor Ross Garnaut found Australia would suffer more than any other developed nation. And it’ll be so hot that we’ll actually have to suffer in our jocks.

In his climate change report, Professor Ross Garnaut found Australia would suffer more than any other developed nation. But hey, I love a sunburnt country.

In his climate change report, Professor Ross Garnaut found Australia would suffer more than any other developed nation. Tourism at Uluru for starters.

In his climate change report, Professor Ross Garnaut found Australia would suffer more than any other developed nation. It won’t be the heat, the hole in the ozone layer, climate change or rising sea-levels that’ll get us either – the drought will just get so bad that we won’t be able to use any water to make beer.

The govt. spent about $10 million on an ad campaign telling us climate change is bad. Which is pretty good compared to the millions of dollars the Howard regime spent on telling us it wasn’t happening.

The govt. spent about $10 million on an ad campaign telling us climate change is bad. They could’ve just saved that money and told us to lie in the sun for an hour and discover it ourselves.

The govt. spent about $10 million on an ad campaign telling us climate change is bad. Next, an expensive ad to tell us it’s caused by carbon emissions! / grass is green.

The govt. spent about $10 million on an ad campaign telling us climate change is bad, hoping to stall for time while the wonder what the hell they’re going to do about it.

Qantas had one plane blow a hole, one unexpectedly plummet, and then topped it off with two of em colliding and a cockpit filling with smoke. Fortunately since fuel prices have fallen they will be able to re-employ safety inspectors.

Bill Henson exhibited some photographs, was raided by the police & “revolted” Kevin Rudd. Now that’s good art.

10 months into his adventure as Opposition leader, Brendan Nelson bravely called a spill & lost. Brendan then had a little cry, knowing that his dream of becoming Australia’s first Prime Minister with forehead-gigantism would remain just that. A beautiful dream.

The Beijing Olympics caused a massive security crackdown. Some of it even in Beijing.

In August, China won a surprisingly large number of medals at the Olympics, in events they didn’t know the rules of in July. But hey, who needs training when you have lost urine samples? / have magic disappearing urine?

In August, China won a surprisingly large number of medals at the Olympics. Of course, it wasn’t surprising to the athletes themselves – they’d been saving up all that unblemished urine for months.

In August, China won a surprisingly large number of medals at the Olympics. Of course, it wasn’t surprising to the coaches, the athletes, or the Chinese drug-companies.

In August, China won a surprisingly large number of medals at the Olympics. In exactly the same way as their version of Nikki Webster sang surprisingly well. / note-perfect.

Wall St. collapsed, & was bailed out by $700 billion of taxpayers’ money – that’ll learn ‘em. / that’ll teach big business not to take risks with other peoples’ money. / because there’s no better way to teach big business not to take big risks with other peoples’ money, than bailing them out with other peoples’ money.

Wall St. collapsed, & was bailed out by $700 billion of taxpayers’ money. Some bankers barely had time to take an enormous executive bonus before their companies collapsed!

The entire planet was sucked into a financial crisis through a wormhole, out to a bizarro world where capitalism is bad, socialism is good and merchant bankers are on welfare. (Looks like they did create that black hole after all!)

The entire planet was sucked into a financial crisis. It was actually a nice relief from the environmental crisis.

The entire planet was sucked into a financial crisis, joining the crises in global warfare, third-world hunger, and environmental sustainability. Ooh – I think we’ve got the whole set!

Our Prime Minister could barely contain his excitement at the global economic crisis. Finally he could do something grand that wasn’t just apologising. / saying “sorry”.

Our Prime Minister could barely contain his excitement at the global economic crisis, striding around like a wartime leader & pledging “decisive action”. He’s going to create some of the biggest and most important committees around!

Kevin Rudd was accused of leaking a phone call that made George Dubya Bush look like an idiot. Which, to be fair to Kevin, is a very hard thing to do.

Kevin Rudd was accused of leaking a phone call that made George Dubya Bush look like an idiot – sorry, even more like an idiot.

Kevin Rudd was accused of leaking a phone call that made George Dubya Bush look like an idiot. Rudd claimed he never leaked the story – must have been some other Prime Minister.

Kevin Rudd was accused of leaking a phone call that made George Dubya Bush look like an idiot. Which was not only bad diplomacy, it was a really old routine.

America said goodbye to George Dubya Bush & hello to Barack Obama. And we said goodbye to our “idiot” jokes, and hello to ironic racism.

America had its first Presidential speech in eight years that was correctly pronounced. / with all the words in the right order.

Sarah Palin failed in her bid to become the first ever Vice-Presidential MILF.

Sarah Palin failed in her bid to become the first ever female Vice-President, to the conflicted feelings of feminists everywhere.

Faced with a Senate that didn’t want to play nice, the govt. cuddled up to Family First Senator Steve Fielding & proposed compulsory Internet censorship. They also promised Senator Fielding his own private filter-bypass.

Faced with a Senate that didn’t want to play nice, the govt. proposed compulsory Internet censorship to impress Family First’s Steve Fielding – not realising that to have a Family, you actually need to have Sex First.

Even as the financial crisis hit the dollar, employment & house prices, polls found Rudd & Labor were even more popular than they were at the election. A drowning man clutches at straws…

Even as the financial crisis hit the dollar, employment & house prices, polls found Rudd & Labor were more popular than they were at the election. The Opposition looking like unprincipalled back-stabbing rabble may or may not have helped.

And still, no-one found Osama bin Laden. He’s at the bottom of page 5!

Americans decided that getting Obama was the closest they were going to get to getting Osama.

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