What the news did on our holidays (Good News Week 9/2/09: monologue)

It’s been a typical Aussie summer so far, full of rolling blackouts, melting railways, sharks, spiders, snakes, crocs, jellyfish & foreigners winning the tennis. Only this summer, they won the cricket as well. Oh well. There’s always getting drunk.

As Melbourne suffered their worst heatwave in history, their train system completely melted down, causing thousands of cancellations and hundreds of thousands of irate commuters. It’s the sort of train system you’d expect in the Third World. Or Sydney.

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During George Dubya Bush’s farewell visit to Baghdad, an Iraqi journalist took off his shoes & hurled them at the surprised President. Dubya showed agility in avoiding the shoes, but then he is used to spending press conferences ducking and weaving.

During George Dubya Bush’s farewell visit to Baghdad, an Iraqi journalist took off his shoes & hurled them at the surprised President. Mission Accomplished!

During George Dubya Bush’s farewell visit to Baghdad, an Iraqi journalist took off his shoes & hurled them at the surprised President. Makes the last 8 years almost seem worthwhile.

During George Dubya Bush’s farewell visit to Baghdad, an Iraqi journalist took off his shoes & hurled them at the surprised President. Dubya wasn’t surprised that someone threw shoes at him, just that it was an Iraqi. He didn’t believe they had any soles…

The event was commemorated in Tikrit with a large bronze sculpture of a shoe which, sadly, has now disappeared. As has the Iraqi journalist.

The event was commemorated in Tikrit with a large bronze sculpture of a shoe which, sadly, has now disappeared. Must be the same place where they stashed all those weapons of mass destruction.

The event was commemorated in Tikrit with a large bronze sculpture of a shoe – the perfect place to hide your weapons of mass destruction.

Sadly, the giant sculpture has now been removed – it’s useless without the other shoe. / until they find the other one.

Sadly, the giant sculpture has now been removed – and is now currently being aimed at Washington. / the White House.

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2 Burmese fishermen were rescued in the Torres Strait after allegedly floating around for 25 days in a giant esky. Which meant that when they were rescued, they were still fresh. / cold.

2 Burmese fishermen were rescued in the Torres Strait after allegedly floating around for 25 days in a giant esky. Boy, were they pissed.

2 Burmese fishermen were rescued in the Torres Strait after allegedly floating around for 25 days in a giant esky, drinking rain water & eating fish regurgitated by sea birds. Well, that’s what happens when 2 blokes go through the entire contents of a giant esky on their own. / Taxi! / They’ve vowed never to drink again.

2 Burmese fishermen were rescued in the Torres Strait after allegedly floating around for 25 days in a giant esky, drinking rain water & eating fish regurgitated by sea birds. Though on the plus side, they proved that man can live by esky alone.

2 Burmese fishermen were rescued in the Torres Strait after allegedly floating around for 25 days in a giant esky, drinking rain water & eating fish regurgitated by sea birds. Which is pretty much how I spent my holidays.

2 Burmese fishermen were rescued in the Torres Strait after allegedly floating around for 25 days in a giant esky, drinking rain water & eating fish regurgitated by sea birds. Those Burmese know how to party! / They’re hoping to do it again next year.

2 Burmese fishermen were rescued in the Torres Strait after allegedly floating around for 25 days in a giant esky, drinking rain water & eating fish regurgitated by sea birds. They’re so thankful they look like hatchlings. / Makes the “hatchling” facelifts all worthwhile. / And people laughed when they first got their “look like a hatchling” cosmetic surgery! Huh!

What were the seabirds doing regurgitating fish for them? Did they look like hatchlings? Or did they stick their fingers down their throat?

They lived on rain water and fish regurgitated by seabirds. I would’ve thought catching fish would’ve been easier than catching seabirds and making them throw up. Must be just me.

It’s the excuse I’ve been looking for to always lug around an enormous esky. It’s a life-saving device!

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The U.S. spent $220m on the inauguration of the God-King, President Barack Obama. And a fiver for Bush’s cab fare.

Most of the $220 million spent on Obama’s inauguration was on security. Probably should have spent a little more on getting the words in the right order.

The U.S. spent $220m on the inauguration of the God-King, President Barack Obama. It costs a lot to black him up for every public appearance.

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Obama signed an order to close Guantanamo Bay & tried to work out what to do with the inmates. Should they get positions in Treasury or Homeland Security? Just so many vacancies to fill…

Obama signed an order to close Guantanamo Bay & tried to work out what to do with the inmates. The current plan is to get Rex Hunt to kiss them and throw them back. / is to just open the gates and tell them they’re free.

Obama signed an order to close Guantanamo Bay & tried to work out what to do with the inmates. Surely a bit of Shock & Awe would solve the problem.

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Meanwhile, Obama’s half-brother George was arrested for possession of a joint. He says it’s a special blend known as Yes-We-Cannabis.

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Israel bombed the strip out of Gaza, then agreed to a ceasefire & reloaded. On one side, 1300 Palestinians died, including 400 children, and on the other, 13 Israelis died. But we’re not going to take sides here – those 400 children probably deserved it.

1300 Palestinians died, and 13 Israelis. Israel are now calculating how many Palestinians need to die to avenge those 13.

But Israel claims they’ve still got a lot more lives to claim before they make up for the Holocaust. / match the Holocaust.

The Israeli Prime Minister warned that any more firing of rockets by Hamas into southern Israel would be met by “a harsh & disproportionate” response – a campaign of Shock & Oy Vey.

The Israeli Prime Minister warned that any more firing of rockets by Hamas into southern Israel would be met by “a harsh & disproportionate” response. No more restrained massacring for them!

The Israeli Prime Minister warned that any more firing of rockets by Hamas into southern Israel would be met by “a harsh & disproportionate” response – as opposed the the gentle and measured response they’ve dished out so far?

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Australian of the Year Professor Mick Dodson said the nation should have a conversation about changing the date of Australia Day, and our wise and beneficient Prime Minister said “Nup – I’m the boss and I say nup.”

Australian of the Year Professor Mick Dodson said the nation should have a conversation about changing the date of Australia Day. Kevin Rudd told him to take his shiny award and go away. / Kevin Rudd said no, but look at these shiny shiny trinkets!

Professor Mick Dodson used his Australian of the Year speech to propose changing the date of Australia Day. Kevin Rudd was furious; he thought Dodson would shut up once he’d given him the shiny trinket.

Australian of the Year Professor Mick Dodson said
the nation should have a conversation about changing the date of Australia Day. But he’ll keep the medal, thanks very much.

Australian of the Year Professor Mick Dodson said the nation should have a conversation about changing the date of Australia Day. Kevin Rudd shut down debate with “a respectful no”. And if they ask again, he’ll take back that apology.

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Ivan Milat cut off his pinky finger with a piece of plastic cutlery & tried to post it to the High Court. It was still easier to cut than the prison food.

Ivan Milat cut off his pinky finger with a plastic knife and tried to post it to the High Court. Release him or he’ll gouge his eye out with his toothbrush.

Ivan Milat cut off his pinky finger with a plastic knife and tried to post it to the High Court. Way to prove you’ve turned over a new leaf. / you’re completely sane now.

Ivan Milat cut off his pinky finger with a piece of plastic cutlery & tried to post it to the High Court. Maybe not the best strategy to help reduce your sentence…

Ivan Milat cut off his pinky finger with a piece of plastic cutlery & tried to post it to the High Court. It was his version of “this little piggy”… he was sending it “wee wee wee all the way home”.

He was actually trying to prove what a hard-working employee he’d be if he was set free. After all, it takes a lot of dedication to cut off your finger with plastic cutlery.

It takes a lot of dedication to cut off your finger with plastic cutlery. It’s hard enough to cut through butter.

Ivan Milat cut off his pinky finger with a piece of plastic cutlery. And you should see what he did with the rest of the picnic set! / the thermos!

Ivan Milat cut off his pinky finger with a piece of plastic cutlery & tried to post it to the High Court. He would’ve done it too, except that he was locked up, kilometres away from any post office, and didn’t have money for stamps.

He would’ve succeeded too, if he didn’t faint from blood loss. / except that the blood made the stamp fall off.

Corrective Services Commissioner Ron Woodham said “Took him 20 minutes to saw it off, the idiot.” 20 minutes during which time the prison wardens just sat around and laughed. / 20 hilarious minutes.

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Australia lost their number one cricket ranking after being beaten by South Africa. On the plus side, we have knocked the springboks out of top spot in entrenched racism.

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And if the Australian Open wasn’t exciting you, you could always watch Bosnians & Serbians bash heads on the outside courts. Seems silly to come all this way to bash each other up when they could join forces and beat up the French. / the Aussies. / the abos.

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Cricket bad-boy Andrew Symonds celebrated the end of his rehab by getting pissed & trying to talk on the radio. But at least he’s not a sack of shit. / Who’s a sack of shit now, Symo?

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Prince Harry videotaped himself calling 2 fellow soldiers a “Paki” & a “raghead”. His grandpa’s so proud.

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To update her web site, The Queen recruited Tim Berners-Lee, the man who invented the worldwide web. Because if she’s going to get new-fangled, she wants it to be as traditional as possible.

She knocked back the idea of calling herself the eQueen as it might cause confusion with the horses.

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In Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe and Morgan Tsvangirai finally agreed to form a unity government, as they’re united in their hatred of each other.

Mugabe will take control of the military, police and treasury departments, and Tsvangirai will take the blame.

In Zimbabwe, almost a year after losing the election, Robert Mugabe decided to stay on as President. What a nice guy! / He’s dedicated, I’ll give him that. / He’s a hard worker, that man.

As part of the power-sharing deal, Tsvangarai gets to be personally in charge of beating up his supporters.

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Qantas opened a high-tech, $10 million training facility in Sydney, and will retrain 18,000 staff, from the Chief Executive down to boost customer service standards. Virgin Blue are countering by slicing another centimetre off stewardess’ skirts.

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Olympic swimming great Michael Phelps was photographed using what appeared to be a large marijuana inhaling pipe, apparently known as “a bong”. He claimed he was just practising holding his breath. / blowing bubbles.

Olympic swimming great Michael Phelps was photographed using what appeared to be a large marijuana inhaling pipe, apparently known as “a bong”.
He immediately issued an apology, saying, “I acted in a youthful & inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. I promise my fans & the public it will not happen again – but I was off my tits.”

He immediately issued an apology, saying, “Sorry, but – man, are they Tim Tams?”

He immediately issued an apology, saying, “I acted in a youthful & inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. I promise my fans & the public it will not happen again. No more cameras.”

Phelps issued an apology and said that from now on, bonging on was at home only.

Phelps issued a public apology from the 7/11.

Olympic swimming great Michael Phelps was photographed using what appeared to be a large marijuana inhaling pipe, apparently known as “a bong”. There you go kids – proof you can choof down billies and be an world-quality athlete! / suck down a few cones and you too could be a world champion athlete!

Phelps issued an apology, and said that he was just glad no-one caught him using the Olympic Pool as a giant bucket bong.

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The Catholic Church had an absolute ball-tearer.
The Pope reinstated a bishop who’s a Holocaust denier. Well, in those circles it’s better than a God denier.

The Pope also promoted a priest who said Hurricane Katrina was God’s punishment for sexual permissiveness in New Orleans. Well, can you prove it wasn’t? / Of course he doesn’t call it Hurricane Katrina – he calls it “Exterminating Archangel Katrina, Cleanser of Evil and Holy Harbinger of Death”.

The Pope also promoted a priest who said Hurricane Katrina was God’s punishment for sexual permissiveness in New Orleans. Either that or their cajun music. Blues played with an accordion? It needs to be stopped.

Plus, Catholic bishops in the UK said environmentalism was an ideology every bit as dangerous as communism. Well, not for the plants and animals…

Catholic bishops in the UK said environmentalism was an ideology every bit as dangerous as communism. Although fortunately if we ignore the greenies long enough, the Siberian salt mines will be submerged.

Catholic bishops in the UK said environmentalism was an ideology every bit as dangerous as communism. After all, if global warming has to be stopped, we should be praying to God, not taking practical action.

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As anti-whaling activists continued to harass them, Japanese Minke manglers started throwing heavy brass balls. Well, it’s so cold there – they’ve been throwing the balls off a brass minke.

They’ve also been causing deafness & vomiting by firing a large “noise weapon”, or as we know it, “Shannon Noll’s Greatest Hits”.

They also allegedly fired a large “noise weapon” that causes deafness & vomiting, or as they call the device, the “karaoke machine”. / the “Britney Device”.

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Women’s Weekly is reportedly chasing the media rights to David Hicks’ up-coming wedding. For old time’s sake, instead of a ring, Hicks’ll be using handcuffs. And the bride will look just beautiful in her white veil, orange jumpsuit and black head-sack.

Editor Jo Wiles said, “We would be fascinated by any story on David Hicks, as would most of Australia”. He’ll be revealing his prison diet weight loss plan, and how to look hot on a waterboard. / sexy with a cattleprod up your arse. / look just sizzling in electrodes.

Women’s Weekly is reportedly chasing the media rights to David Hicks’ up-coming wedding. Although after five years in Guantanamo Bay, he’s more like a women’s weakling.

Women’s Weekly is actually a lot like being a prisoner at Guantanamo Bay: bland, repetitive, and not released nearly as often as you’d think.

Editor Jo Wiles said, “We would be fascinated by any story on David Hicks, as would most of Australia”. Especially any tips he might have on make up, fashion, or recipes.

Editor Jo Wiles said, “We would be fascinated by any story on David Hicks, as would most of Australia”. After all, he has all the inside goss on the A-list parties in Gitmo – plus exclusive fashion tips from the inside!

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A doctor from the Sydney Children’s Hospital suggested severely obese kids should be taken from their parents. He’s calling them “the swollen generation”.

A doctor from the Sydney Children’s Hospital suggested severely obese kids should be taken from their parents. And kids who talk back should be shot.

A doctor from the Sydney Children’s Hospital suggested severely obese kids should be taken from their parents. They’re needed for medical research.

A doctor from the Sydney Children’s Hospital suggested severely obese kids should be taken from their parents. And severely obese kids said that the doctor should be dunked in sugar and eaten.

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The International Monetary Fund announced that the global economy was at a standstill, world trade had collapsed & most developed countries were in deep recession. Hooray!

The International Monetary Fund announced that the global economy was at a standstill, world trade had collapsed & most developed countries were in deep recession. And yet the sun still appears to shine and the Earth hasn’t yet been torn asunder. Weird.

The International Monetary Fund announced that the global economy was at a standstill, world trade had collapsed & most developed countries were in deep recession. Oh, and apparently the environment’s fucked.

The International Monetary Fund announced that the global economy was at a standstill, world trade had collapsed & most developed countries were in deep recession. But it’s not “the recession we had to have” – this one, we can take or leave. I think I’ll leave it actually.

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