Good Next Week (Good News Week 16/2/09: closing)

Tues, Feb. 17
Tomorrow in Sydney, Federal Cabinet meets the public! Well, when they say “public”, you do have to be the CEO of a multimillion dollar corporation. Or a movie star.

On Tuesday, Federal Cabinet meets the public in Sydney. It’s like meeting your favourite celebrities, except that you’d hate them, if you actually knew who they were.

On Tuesday, Federal Cabinet meets the public in Sydney. Where’s al Qaida when you want them?

Tomorrow in Sydney, Federal Cabinet meets the public! Hm. I didn’t even know there was an election on.

Sydney plays host tomorrow to a legal forum on including animals in wills, and to whether a paw print constitutes a witnessing.

On Tuesday, the “Legal Forum On Including Animals In Wills” will take place in Sydney, hosted by Betsy, Rover, and Fluffy Wuffy Noo Nar.

On Tuesday, Foster’s will announce its half-year results – will it be half empty or half full?

Paris Hilton will turn 28. 28! Looks like the world needs a new young useless skankmole.

Paris Hilton will turn 28. Still, I’d do her.

Paris Hilton will turn 28. That’s nearly a decade older than she thinks she is.

The inquiry into the efficiency of federal courts will report in Canberra on Tuesday, but will get so bogged down in red tape and legalese that it ends up dragging on til Christmas. …2040.

Professor Mick Dodson will be at the National Press Club in Canberra on Tuesday. But the National Press Club will’ve moved their meeting to a different day.

Professor Mick Dodson will be at the National Press Club in Canberra on Tuesday, to open a national discussion on whether he should’ve come on a different day.

The National Drugs & Poisons scheduling committee will meet in Canberra. Their keynote speech is “Drugs, Poisons, and Which We Put In the Punch”. / “Drugs, Poisons – Whatever Floats Your Boat!” / “Drugs, Poisons, Whatever You Got Bro.”

The National Drugs & Poisons scheduling committee will meet in Canberra. Their topic this year is “Why Taking Drugs is So Much More Fun Than Taking Poisons”.

Wed, Feb. 18
On Wednesday the Brit music awards will be held in London. And the winner? Who gives a toss.

On Wednesday the Brit awards will be held in London. The winner will be Cockneys, closely followed by Geezers and Chavs.

The head of the Australian Chamber of Commerce will be at the National Press Club in Canberra on Wednesday, where he’ll reveal that, behind the Chamber of Commerce is a secret entrance to the Chamber of Mysteries! / Vault of Doom!

The head of the Australian Chamber of Commerce will be at the National Press Club in Canberra on Wednesday, reveal that, to gain popularity, he’s changed the name of the body to “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce”. Should work a treat.

Thurs, Feb. 19
Thursday is the Sydney Royal Fine Food Show. Pretty much King Prawns and a packet of Chocolate Royales.

On Thursday, the Adelaide Film Festival kicks off. Look forward to seeing “Trev finds a stick”, “Trev points at a Church”, “Trev has a fag” and “Trev discovers the grisly remains of a sex murder, and buys some milk”.

Fri, Feb. 20
Friday is London Fashion Week. Apparently, whinging is in! / pale skin and bad teeth is in! / parkas are back in! / record levels of snow are totally in!

Friday is London Fashion Week. Apparently, new black anoraks are the new black.

Friday is London Fashion Week. You’ll be able to see the rain-protection that all the models use – the anorexic anorak. / the anoraksia nervosa.

On Friday, swimmer Nick D’Arcy will be sentenced on assault charges. He just sometimes gets confused between his backstroke and his uppercut. Honest mistake.

On Friday, swimmer Nick D’Arcy will be sentenced on assault charges, and will promise never to practice his freestyle in a nightclub.

On Friday, Derryn Hinch will face court for naming sex offenders, which is a step up from last time when he faced court for being one.

On Friday, Derryn Hinch will face court for naming sex offenders. Shame, Derryn, Shame.

On Friday, Derryn Hinch will face court for naming sex offenders. In his defence he’ll claim it was actually Steve Vizard doing an impersonation.

Caltex Australia will announce its 2008 results

On Friday, PBL will announce its interim profits, which aren’t looking good. The losses are healthier though – James Packer for one.

The inquiry into tax law reform will report: Canberra

The “Sustainable Living Festival” will kick off in Melbourne. For every new visitor they get, an old one has to leave.

The “Sustainable Living Festival” will kick off in Melbourne. And, if it truly is sustainable, will last forever. / will continue until the end of time.

The “Sustainable Living Festival” will have to be cancelled when it suffers an unfortunate bout of growth.

The Melbourne Institute will release its economic trends bulletin. Let me guess – there might be a recession?

The Melbourne Institute will release its economic trends bulletin. Which is like having a stop sign after the intersection.

Sat, Feb. 21
NIDA will celebrate its 50th birthday. Come on NIDA – don’t you think you’re a little old for catsuits and interpretive dance? / theatre-sports?

On Saturday, it’s the start of Carnival in Rio de Janeiro, although it may be hard for outsiders to tell. The giveaway is the nubile dancing girls are smoking cigars. / the giveaway is that even the martinis are doing the limbo.

Saturday is the 29th Golden Raspberry Awards. But it’s best to wait until they’re red! / ripe!

Sun, Feb. 22
The 81st Academy Awards will be held on Sunday. Yeah, like that’s going to be able to compete with Tropfest.

Tropfest will be held on Sunday – the same day as the Oscars. That way they guarantee that their celebrity judges will be second-rate has-beens.

On Sunday, Tropfest will give awards for the best short films, while the Academy will give them out for ones that are way too long.

Mon, Feb. 23
On Monday, Virgin Blue will announce its interim results, but to get a copy you’ll need to buy them from one of the ever-so-perky flight attendants.

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