And the big news? (Good News Week 16/2/09: monologue)

It was the first anniversary of the apology to the Stolen Generations. Though since then, nothing really practical has changed for indigenous people. (shrug / look guilty) …Sorry!

It was the first anniversary of the apology to the Stolen Generations. I’m so glad everyone’s living in peace, harmony and equality now. / I’m so glad that whole “indigenous problem” has been solved. Phew.

Maybe we should make Sorry Day an annual event, where we apologise for the last twelve months of not doing anything for indigenous people.

Over on some other station at I forget what time, “Underbelly 2” got two and a half million viewers, making Matthew Newton’s arse the most-watched buttocks in Australian television history. So to compete, tonight Good News Week brings you ArseCam! (extreme close-up of Paul’s rear) Just hit the “Angle” button on your remote and you can switch to the point-of-view of the arse of whoever’s talking.

I’m not surprised Underbelly 2 got such huge ratings figures. I mean, it wasn’t like there was anything else on worth watching…

Of course last week, not to put too fine a point on it, we got trounced. But this week, we’re fighting back strong! Firstly, we’ve got Matthew Newton’s arse! (show Newton’s arse – OR show Bert’s face) Go on, call your Underbelly watching friends, get em to turn over!

Matthew Newton’s arse became the most-watched buttocks in Australian television history. He’s made Bert very proud.

Matthew Newton’s arse became the most-watched buttocks in Australian television history. Funny thing is, the only difference between Matthew Newton’s arse and Bert Newton’s face is that cheesy grin. I’m just not sure how he makes his arse do that.

Network Ten have asked that we counter the hard-arse angle of Underbelly. So don’t change the channel or the kitten gets it.

The surprising thing is, from what I’ve heard, Matthew Newton managed to keep the “violence” completely separate from the “domestic”.

“Underbelly 2” did 2.5 million. Clearly, we all wish we were criminals. No wonder illegal downloads are so popular – we can feel like we’re bad bad gangsters. “Take that, system!”

It’s difficult for us to compete. We don’t have Matthew Newton’s arse. And Mikey’s arse… doesn’t pull in the viewers like it used to. Gravitationally.

If you people need to be titillated with sex, violence and drug-dealers, we’ll show you backstage.

One viewer labelled it “porn for people who can’t use the Internet.” Unless you’ve already watched it on the Internet.

One viewer labelled it “porn for people who can’t use the Internet.” Looks like brown paper bags are now finally technologically obsolete.

One viewer labelled it “porn for people who can’t use the Internet.” Well, don’t know about you, but I like my porn with less murder.

One viewer labelled it “porn for people who can’t use the Internet.” However, I’d say that any porn that has that much murder is actually a snuff film.

One viewer labelled it “porn for people who can’t use the Internet.” So that’s grannies and dogs then. Although some dogs are pretty smart.

One viewer labelled it “porn for people who can’t use the Internet.” Well, not really. Where were the midgets and donkeys?

In Iraq, the Foreign Minister announced he was keen to start issuing licenses to any foreign airline who wants to fly into his country’s airports. You can tell the airports, they’re the big flat bits that look like they’ve been bombed.

In Iraq, the Foreign Minister announced he was keen to start issuing licenses to any foreign airline who wants to fly into his country’s airports. Oh, as long as they’re not planning on doing any bombing.

In Iraq, the Foreign Minister announced he was keen to start issuing licenses to any foreign airline who wants to fly into his country’s airports. If only Saddam had thought of that.

In Iraq, the Foreign Minister announced he was keen to start issuing licenses to any foreign airline who wants to fly into his country’s airports. Americans said that no, they were happy to keep flying into his country’s mosques.

In Iraq, the Foreign Minister announced he was keen to start issuing licenses to any foreign airline who wants to fly into his country’s airports. In fact it’s the perfect place to shoot down American planes.

New Middle-East airline Air Qaeda is looking forward to touching down at the American terminal. Or on it.

In Iraq, the Foreign Minister announced he was keen to start issuing licenses to any foreign airline who wants to fly into his country’s airports. Especially if they also want to fly into America’s skyscrapers.

In Iraq, the Foreign Minister announced he was keen to start issuing licenses to any foreign airline who wants to fly into his country’s airports. He added he was also quite keen to stop the indiscriminate bombing of civillians, the rampant looting of natural resources, and the violent coups of multinationals.

At a technology conference in California, Microsoft mega-nerd Bill Gates released a jar of mosquitoes into the audience to make a point about malaria prevention. Next he plans to release a virus.

At a technology conference in California, Microsoft mega-nerd Bill Gates released a jar of mosquitoes into the audience to make a point about malaria prevention. He then released a box of spiders to open a discussion about the web, a cageful of tigers to illustrate a point about dental hygiene, and a grizzly bear, just for the hell of it.

Gates said, “There’s no reason only poor people should have the experience.” Because poor people are always having keynote speakers release mosquitos at their technology conferences.

Gates said, “There’s no reason only poor people should have the experience.” He feels the same way about slow internet connections, spam, and malfunctioning software.

Gates said, “There’s no reason only poor people should have the experience.” Which is exactly the same reason he makes the really expensive Microsoft software just as crappy as the stuff you can copy for free.

He assured the nervous crowd that the mozzies were not carrying malaria. But they were carrying trojans. / spyware.

He assured the nervous crowd that the mozzies were not carrying malaria. Though most still updated their anti-virus.

He also pelted the crowd with tins of spam.

It has intensified speculation that the new version of Windows is full of bugs.

It’s the first occasion that Gates has released bugs without an attached operating system.

He initially intended to release a swarm of bugs, but decided to leave that to his software.

He then laughed evilly, raised his cape and vanished.

Finally Gates has found something to do now he’s taken a step back from Microsoft: become an evil villain! Mosquitor! / Malarior!

He wanted the members of the crowd to experience malaria first-hand, but then said that the released mosquitos weren’t malarial. It’s a bit like showing how stable your operating system is by having it crash at the launch. Which was actually last year’s talk.

He reassured the crowds that the mosquitos weren’t carrying malaria. The malaria is in the air conditioning. / He released that in aerosol form.

Buckingham Palace was forced to apologise after the Queen’s shop at Sandringham was found to be selling golliwogs. She so much prefers them to be called “darkies”. / “junglebunnies”. / “spearchuckers”.

Buckingham Palace was forced to apologise after the Queen’s shop at Sandringham was found to be selling golliwogs. Paki-Nig-Nogs – personally approved by Prince Harry!

A palace source said Her Majesty wasn’t personally involved in picking the stock for the shop, but she “wouldn’t tolerate any kind of racism, not even to the nig-nogs.”

A palace source said Her Majesty wasn’t personally involved in picking the stock for the shop, but she “wouldn’t tolerate any kind of racism”. She leaves that up to her husband. / That’s more Prince Philip’s department.

A palace source said Her Majesty wasn’t personally involved in picking the stock for the shop, but she “wouldn’t tolerate any kind of racism”. Apparently, gollywogs hate Jews. / are anti-semitic.

The England cricket team was dismissed by the West Indies for just 51 runs. So if we lose the Ashes this year we might as well give up cricket altogether.

The England cricket team was dismissed by the West Indies for just 51 runs. Now that’s our kind of opponent! / Ah, for this year’s Ashes I see we are facing a worthy opponent.

The England cricket team was dismissed by the West Indies for just 51 runs. But to be fair, it was tippety. / was six and out. / automatic wikkie. / once the ball went over the fence, mean Mr Jenkins wouldn’t let them have it back.

In Brisbane, a so-called “rebel priest” was sacked because he involves women in services, lets lay people deliver sermons, gives mass to gay people & helps the homeless. You know, the kind of things Jesus used to do.

In Brisbane, a so-called “rebel priest” was sacked because he involves women in services, lets lay people deliver sermons, gives mass to gay people & helps the homeless. Wow – he really IS a rebel.

In Brisbane, a so-called “rebel priest” was sacked because he involves women in services, lets lay people deliver sermons, gives mass to gay people & helps the homeless. Doesn’t he understand, gays are meant to be Godless. They don’t like Him, and He don’t like them.

In Brisbane, a so-called “rebel priest” was sacked because he involves women in services, lets lay people deliver sermons, gives mass to gay people & helps the homeless. If that’s not bad enough, apparently he also turns the other cheek, and believes the meek will inherit the earth! What a poor deluded fool.

In Brisbane, a so-called “rebel priest” was sacked because he involves women in services, lets lay people deliver sermons, gives mass to gay people & helps the homeless. Oh, and he worships Satan. / Oh, and he thinks God is a useless prat.

In Brisbane, a so-called “rebel priest” was sacked because he involves women in services, lets lay people deliver sermons, gives mass to gay people & helps the homeless. He’s a rebel WITH a cause.

In a radical shift from the last 8 years of America’s wacky foreign policy, the Obama administration started making overtures to Russia & cautiously reached out to Iran. What next, striving for peace, equality, and freedom? / Next thing you know, he’ll be telling Osama he’ll be given a fair trial if he just hands himself in. Madness! / McCain was right – he clearly is a terrorist after all. / He clearly is a Muslim communist homo pinko terrorist after all. / Looks like Obama’s a baddie after all.

In a radical shift from the last 8 years of America’s wacky foreign policy, the Obama administration started making overtures to Russia & cautiously reached out to Iran. He’s the antiBush!

In a radical shift from the last 8 years of America’s wacky foreign policy, the Obama administration started making overtures to Russia & cautiously reached out to Iran. They’ve also decided that bin Laden’s not really all THAT bad.

Vice President Joe Biden said, “It’s time to press the reset button & revisit the many areas where we can & should be working together with Russia.” Well, better to press the reset button than the one Bush wanted to press. / than that other big red one.

Vice President Joe Biden said, “It’s time to press the reset button.” We’re lucky Dubya never found the reset button, or we’d never have got out of 2001.

Vice President Joe Biden said, “It’s time to press the reset button & revisit the many areas where we can & should be working together with Russia.” Vladimir Putin said he’d be willing to go easy with Biden and Obama on the judo mat.

Biden also said, if Iran abandoned its illicit nuclear program & support for terrorism, there would be “meaningful incentives”. They might even promote them to the Axis of Neutral.

Biden also said, if Iran abandoned its illicit nuclear program & support for terrorism, there would be “meaningful incentives”. 72 virgins, perhaps.

Biden also said, if Iran abandoned its illicit nuclear program & support for terrorism, there would be “meaningful incentives”. Like not having the absolute shit bombed out of them.

In Zimbabwe, new Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai appealed to the West to fund the rebuilding of his devastated country. Like he appealed to the West to intervene when Mugabe was trashing the place in 2000. When’s he going to get it? The West only cares what happens to you if you’ve got lots of OIL.

In Zimbabwe, new Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai appealed to the West to fund the rebuilding of his devastated country. Because somehow the government’s run out of money.

Meanwhile, Robert Mugabe will celebrate his 85th birthday on Saturday, Feb. 21. His Zanu-PF party has sent out a wish list to corporate donors that includes 200 bottles of French champagne, 8000 lobsters, 100kg of prawns, 4000 portions of caviar, 8000 boxes of chocolates, 3000 ducks & much more. Opposition Leader and new Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai will even be allowed an extra helping of gruel.

Meanwhile, Robert Mugabe will celebrate his 85th birthday on Saturday, Feb. 21. His Zanu-PF party has sent out a wish list to corporate donors that includes 200 bottles of French champagne, 8000 lobsters, 100kg of prawns, 4000 portions of caviar, 8000 boxes of chocolates, 3000 ducks & much more. That ought to reign in that hyper-inflation problem.

Meanwhile, Robert Mugabe will celebrate his 85th birthday on Saturday, Feb. 21. His Zanu-PF party has sent out a wish list to corporate donors that includes 200 bottles of French champagne, 8000 lobsters, 100kg of prawns, 4000 portions of caviar, 8000 boxes of chocolates, 3000 ducks & much more. Whereas the populace were just hoping to give the tyrant a massive birthday bashing.

Those who’d rather give money are invited to send donations to a bank account controlled by the party – of 50,000 U.S. dollars, or in Zimbabwe dollars, 6 million billion gazillion.

Zanu-PF members warned businesses life would be difficult for them if they didn’t contribute. That’s right – if Mugabe doesn’t get his birthday feast, he’s going to eat them.

New Zimbabwe Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai appealed to the west to fund the rebuilding of his devastated country, while Fuhrer Robert Mugabe planned himself a multi-million dollar (US) 85th birthday party. If only the people could be fed with champagne, lobsters and caviar. If only.

The anti-whaling group Sea Shepherd pulled out of their battle with the Japanese fleet after violent collisions between the two. Besides, the whales were begging them to stop fighting. / the whales were begging them to stop fighting over them – there’s plenty of blubber to go round.

The anti-whaling group Sea Shepherd pulled out of their battle with the Japanese fleet after violent collisions between the two. Next time, they’re bringing their own harpoon.

Sea Shepherd was also concerned when the Japanese were clearly preparing to board their ship, and were bringing with them wasabi and a giant pair of chopsticks.

The captain of the Sea Shepherd said he was concerned that the Japanese were preparing to board his ship, and also concerned that all his sheep had drowned.

Canberra hosted the Australia-China human rights dialogue, without a hint of irony. / and tried to keep a straight face.

The 2 days of talks provide a rare opportunity to raise human rights at a senior level with the Chinese government. The Chinese government then takes those concerns and carefully files them in the official shredder. / and just laughs and laughs and laughs.

Despite strong pushing, the Chinese refused to allow the Australian Tibet Council to participate. Like they refuse to let them participate in the running of their own country.

Despite strong pushing, the Chinese refused to allow the Australian Tibet Council to participate. But that’s because there’s no such thing as Tibet.

After the talks, China said Australia was ill-informed. We’ve clearly been listening to that dangerous terrorist, the Dalai Lama.

The assistant Foreign Minister said countries should seek “solid facts” before raising concerns about human rights in Tibet. After all, there is no Tibet.

The assistant Foreign Minister said countries should seek “solid facts” before raising concerns about human rights in Tibet. A subsequent request for solid facts met with a firm no. / Though it should be added those solid facts are all Chinese state secrets. / classified.

In the U.S., the mother of 6 who had 8 more babies revealed the father who donated the sperm for all 14 was shocked when he found out: “He didn’t know what to say.” All he could come up with was “I’m da MAN.”

In the U.S., the mother of 6 who had 8 more babies revealed the father who donated the sperm for all 14 was shocked when he found out: “He didn’t know what to say.” Him and the rest of us. / I know how he felt.

In the U.S., the mother of octuplets revealed she had a family of six other children. Those two year-old twins should be able to help out with the nappy changing.

In the U.S., the mother of octuplets revealed she had a family of six other children. It was only with all those child support payments that she was able to afford the very best in fertility treatment.

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