Is That A Wallet In Your Pocket? (Good News Week 23/2/09: Strange But True)

Newcastle scientists have just released a report claiming that women have more and better orgasms if their partner has more money. The boffins have also hastened to add that scientists ain’t paid peanuts, baby.

British psychologists have found a correlation between the frequency of women’s orgasms and the size of their partner’s income. And that’s why the psychology department needs a budget increase.

British psychologists have found that women have more orgasms when their partners have large incomes. That’s their excuse anyway.

We always knew women loved us for what was in our pants – we just got the specifics wrong.

Turns out size does matter after all.

Unfortunately the global financial crisis has left a lot of men with stockbrokers’ droop.

“Increasing partner income had a highly positive effect on women’s self-reported frequency of orgasm,” said psychologist Dr Thomas Pollet, bathing himself in hundred dollar bills.

In the study, over 1500 women claimed that rich men give them more orgasms. And when they didn’t get them, the jewellery, cars, handbags, shoes, houses in the Bahamas, holidays, and manservants more than made up for it.

Aussie women disputed the findings, saying that rich men were more likely to be cocky and disregard a woman’s feelings. But then they could pay for someone else to give the woman an orgasm.

Aussie women said that rich men were more likely to be cocky – which tends to give them a better orgasm than no cocky.

In the study, over 1500 women claimed that rich men give them more orgasms. But the newspaper report desperately counters this claim by interviewing four drunken chicks in Bondi who disagreed. Clearly reporters at The Australian are underpaid…

It makes sense. The richer the man, the more expensive the sex toys. / the longer the penis extension.

It makes sense that rich men can give women more orgasms. I mean, some of us are busy trying to pay the bills. / some of us gotta work!

But of course rich guys are better in bed – if you can’t get her rocks off, you’ve got a team of servants to help you out.

So gents, if you want to get a girl really turned on, all it takes is millions of dollars.

Turns out that homeless guy at the bus stop ain’t as sexy as he claims.

The study found that the higher the partner’s income, the more likely a woman was to have orgasms regularly. Or they were paid to say that.

Rich guys not only give women more orgasms, but nothing gets them off like a solid gold cock. / dildo.

Maybe it’s the other way around: making chicks come is what gives blokes the confidence to ask for more dosh.

Although it may be just that rich guys only settle down with chicks who have enough orgasms to stoke their egos. / girls who scream their heads off.

The authors of the study couldn’t be contacted as they were off finding a better paying job.

Turns out diamonds are a girl’s best friend. And if you give her cubic zirconias, she’s probably faking.

Of course, men still have orgasms whether their partner’s a multibillionaire or just a set of norgs in a bra catalogue. / or a box of tissues. / or a fiddy cent ho.

Rich guys get all the money and the women, but they do have their time eaten up with all that “foreplay”.

Should be a timesaver for poor blokes. No point bothering with foreplay any more.

“Is that a wallet in your pocket (suddenly disappointed) or are you just glad to see me?”

No wonder girls check out men’s pants; they’re checking if they’re packing a wallet.

Some guys are so rich they can afford to have sex for nine hours, and still have time for a Police reunion gig. Not mentioning any names.

So it turns out Sting’s tantric techniques had nothing to do with his partner’s satisfaction, it was just that he was incredibly fucking rich.

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