99 to life (Good News Week 23/2/09: Buzzers of Death)

In Beijing, a 99 year old man is facing trial accused of swindling $170,000 from an American academic. He could receive a life sentence, or up to 6 months if the jury’s harsh.

He pleaded incontinent.

Frankly, if you’ve lived to 99, why not see your time out in jail. Something new.

He may get life – which, at his age, is all he can hope for.

He may get ten years. He says, longer the better.

He could get 10 years or life imprisonment, no matter how much he begs for a simple firing squad.

It was an elaborate ruse to maintain, but still easier than applying for the Chinese pension.

The victim of the scam paid Zhiping’s salary for three years while he pretended to look for a key to allow access to over a hundred trillion dollars in frozen assets from pre-Communist China. In fact the penalty would’ve been much worse if it’d turned out to be real.

So there you go, even 99 year old men can’t be trusted with hundreds of thousands of dollars.

It seemed a wise move to go to a 99 year old for investment advice. He’s one of the few people left who survived the last depression.

But the old man says that he needed the money. He’s already lived through one depression, and he didn’t want to do it again.

He’s 99. If he’s not old enough to know better by now, he never will be. / You’d think he’d be old enough to know better.

I just hope that when I’m 99 I’m with it enough to scam someone out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

He’s 99! It must’ve felt like he was being tried and sentenced by a bunch of embryos. / toddlers.

Zhou Zhiping claimed to be a long-dead general in the Chinese Nationalist Army with frozen assets worth 130 trillion dollars. Or he could be a senile old coot. The academic decided to go with the 130 trillion.

He’s just hoping that, in a birthday cake large enough to hold 100 candles, someone will sneak in a file or 30.

That’s 99 year old Chinese conman, 1, double PhD American scientist, 0.

If only the US banks knew that they had 130 hundred trillion dollars frozen away, there would be no global financial crisis!

He could face at least 10 years in prison. Although the first rape may finish him off.

The only trouble he’ll be having in the showers is slipping and breaking all his fragile old bones.

He attributes his longevity to a steady diet of saps, suckers, patsys and rice.

Though at his age, you’ve got to wonder whether a life sentence is really offering value.

Due to the man’s advanced age, they’re considering a next-life sentence. / an afterlife sentence.

Turns out, not only does he not have access to 130 trillion dollars, but he’s a 19 year old Spaniard.

It was an American scientist that was scammed. Zhou Zhiping has not only been found innocent by the Chinese court, but awarded a medal of honour.

The 99 year-old claims he needed the money to pay for all his hookers and coke.

Leave a Reply