Spider-bot (Good News Week 23/2/09: Limericks)

A new robotic security guard has been unveiled that can sense an intruder and launch a web to capture them. And then, it rolls up to its captive and feasts on the warm innards before injecting the corpse with its eggs.

The robot’s fantastic – not only can it disable burglars and vandals, but it’s really great for catching mechanical flies.

And, when not on duty, the mechanical spider just acts like an ordinary PeterParkerbot.

The robot is very effecive against thieves and intruders, but not so great against the mechanical Green Goblin.

The companies behind the robots’ invention say that traditional security sensors “set off false alarms”, but with this robot, nothing can possibly go wrong… unless it’s set to “evil”.

The remote-controlled machine “will lead to more efficient operations” according to the head of development – or, as he prefers to be known, “The Dark Overlord of the Spider Robots”.

The spider-robot can travel up to 6 mph, so is perfect for capturing any assailant, unless they’re walking very fast indeed. / is perfect for capturing any intruders who happen to be strolling.

The robot can move at speeds of up to 6 miles per hour, making it perfect for pursuing thieves on crutches. / pursuing criminal amputees.

Spider-bot, spider-bot,
Has a web like a spider’s got,
Shoots its web from down low
Catches thieves if they’re slow
Walk off! Escape from the spider-bot.

The robot works best at night-time, where intruders are less able to point at it and laugh.

Once the robot apprehends its target, it drags them off to its lair and feeds them to its babies.

Finally, they can stop trying to catch criminals with real spiders.

So much better than the old method of trying to catch a criminal by throwing spiders at them.

So glad someone’s spent millions of dollars designing this robot. Because it’s actually really hard to walk over and throw a net at thieves yourself.

The net idea is cool, but you just know that someday some smart criminal is going to bring along something like… oh I don’t know, a knife?

The robot spider’s cool, but you just know that someday some smart criminal is going to bring along some robot Mortein. / a rolled up piece of robot newspaper.

It’s perfectly designed for apprehending criminal insects.

It not only captures the intruder, but also reads out their compatibility rating.

And I always thought web-bots were an Internet thing.

It’s like Spider-man, but for nerds! Hang on…

After all, the only thing nerdier than a robot security guard is a robot security guard inspired by a comic-book character.

Because a robot security guard just wasn’t geeky enough – they needed to base it on a comic-book superhero.

The ‘bot has heat-sensors to detect intruders, a remote control to enable pursuit, and is great fun in a sandpit.

The robot relies on heat sensors. So it’s particularly useful for catching criminals who are on fire.

The robot tracks down intruders by sensing body heat. But that’s not going to be much use against Dr Freeze, is it?

Next they’re developing a robot that can fly, though they’re still ironing out the Kryptonite bug.

Next they’re developing a robot with its own Batmobile.

Unfortunately, the spider machine is helpless against its natural predator, the mighty Jetsparrow.

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