Categories
Good News Week

Little Piggies (Good News Week 2/3/09: Animal Magnetism)

A Scottish zoo has bred four miniature pigs small enough to be household pets. Perfect for rolling around in your indoor puddle.

The miniature pigs make perfect pets, and such cute little bacon.

Little piggies! The perfect pet for the toeless.

The pigs are perfect as companions, pets, and lunch.

Not only are the pigs perfect for keeping as pets, but they fit perfectly on a skewer.

Scientists are hoping to make a pig that can fit on a grain of rice.

Now that they’ve mastered the small pig, they’re working on creating a hamster the size of house. And who says scientists don’t have their priorities right?

The little piggies are just like porky pink kids. And they love nursery rhymes, especially “This toe went to market…”

Actually it’s not as cute as you’d expect when they go “Wee wee wee all the way home”.

Scientists have four of the miniature pigs. Unfortunately, the fifth one went to market. / already went to market. / went wee wee wee all the way home.

Unfortunately, they’re very difficult to feed. They only eat roast beef.

Unfortunately, they’re very difficult to feed. It’s hard to get slops that small.

Best thing is, they eat all the food your other pets turn their nose up at.

Now that they’ve mastered the small pig, they’re working on creating tiny little eggs, and a frying pan the size of a 50 cent piece.

Now that they’ve mastered the small pig, they’re working on creating enormous budgerigars. QANTAS have already ordered half a dozen.

Now that they’ve mastered the small pig, they’re working on creating giant hamsters, microscopic sheep, and SeaMonkeys the size of an ocean liner.

Now that they’ve mastered the small pig, the scientists are getting straight to work, making mini-sheep, little horses, microchickens, and a teeny weeny farmer.

Yeah, sure there are tiny swine. And pigs can fly.

Now that they’ve got the little piggies sorted, scientists are working on pigs that can fly. They’ll recontextualise every cliché eventually.

The pigs do look cute, which isn’t that surprising. Let’s face it, even babies and kittens don’t look so adorable if they’re five foot long. / if they’re as big as a house.

By crossing New Zealand kunekune pigs with Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs, the zoo has bred four tiny piglets, or as they call them, “Snack Size”.

They’re the size of teacups when born, at two weeks old easily fit into a mug, and even at full size can still be squeezed into a lunchbox.

Three of the little pigs have already found themselves homes, but the fourth isn’t sure what to make his out of. Stone? Plasterboard? Fibro-cement?

A nearby wolf was very pleased to hear there were four little pigs. Even if three get to the house of bricks, that still leaves one to devour.

The scientists say they’re very proud of their little oinkers, and that it was worth every moment spent crushing them into tiny boxes.

They also have bred microscopic pigs, but they’re just not sure where they’ve got to. They’re very very small, you see.

They’ve also created a breed of microscopic elephants, but they lost the entire batch when someone sneezed.

They’re better pets than full-size pigs – they still come with all the noise and filth, but they can fit through doors!

The breeders say that it wasn’t a hasty decision to make tiny pigs, and that in the past they’ve been much rasher. RASHER! OHOHO!

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

Leave a Reply