The funeral industry is looking at a new, environmentally-friendly way of method of disposing of cadavers, by chemically dissolving them. The process creates a dry bone residue, plus liquid remains which could be used as fertilizer. Alternatively, mix them together for a delicious soup.
Unfortunately, in these days of water restrictions and drought, people will be bumping off their relatives to save their petunias.
Even better, you can still water with dead relatives when it’s not your allocated day.
And nothing tastes better than home-grown vegies sprinkled with Uncle Lenny.
The alkaline hydrolysis process creates liquid remains which can be used as fertilizer. So rather than leaving flowers at a grave, use your loved ones’ remains to grow some. Awwwww. Then you can cut them to lay on someone else’s grave where they can wither and die. Awwwww.
The alkaline hydrolysis process creates liquid remains which can be used as fertilizer. Perhaps you could use it to bring their vegie patch to full fruition. Mmmm, corpsey. / Necrolicious!
At last – human blood and bone.
It’s the perfect fertiliser if you don’t find blood and bone ghoulish enough.
The fertiliser works wonders on the garden, although when you run out you do have to kill someone else.
The “resomation” process is currently illegal in Australia but is being closely examined due to full graveyards, the polluting effects of cremation, and the price of fertiliser these days.
Over 1000 bodies have been resomated in the US, not counting those dissolved by the Mafia.
If it ends up replacing burial, it might ruin zombie movies. You’ll gasp in terror at “Fertilisers from Beyond the Grave”! AAAARRGGH!
Yep, you heard right, dissolving. Just try coming back from that dead.
Dissolving a corpse is not only more environmentally friendly than cremation and less space-intensive than burial, but there’s no way you can hear them scream if they wake up in the middle.
So sad that grandma’s passed away – but at least it’s good for the garden.
The machine is a bit like a pressure-cooker. Not only can it dispose of a body in 3 hours, but it only takes 30 minutes to make the perfect casserole. / to make a mouth-watering stroganoff.
They chose the name “resomation” after it proved more popular than “hyper-rot”. / “suparot”. / “abracadaver”. / “Easy-Rot-Bam!”.
The process is called “resomation”, as “fertilisation” could be a bit misleading. And offputting.
First, the body is placed inside, where special load-cells weigh it and determine the exact amount of water and alkali to add. Then the machine heats the body to 180°, and adds salt and pepper to taste. Serves 4.
The system is all self-regulated. The body is placed inside, where load-cells weigh it and automatically determine the exact amount of water and alkali to add. Then the machine heats the body to 180°, and automatically decants you a suitable chianti.
It’s a much better technique than stuffing them in the compost bin. Like we used to do.
It’s done wonders for the gardens at the Corleones’.
Mafia hit-men are now offering to grow you a garden you can’t refuse.
So the terrible irony in being killed by a bomb made from fertiliser is that you could end up being made into fertiliser and used in another bomb!
So now the bodies of bomb victims can be used to make new bombs. Now that’s the circle of life.
Not only can the liquid be used on the garden, but it’s a great alternative to butter. / but it’s got 30% less fat than butter. / but it can help reduce the 7 signs of aging.
Unfortunately the fertiliser has turned out to be toxic. At least to the source.
So after mummy’s funeral, you go home with her ashes in a nice urn, and a doggybag full of rotted slops.
Of course, you don’t want to spill your loved one’s rotted slops in the back of the car on the way home.
And it’s an essential ingredient in Soylent Green.
