Kiddie Crunch (Good News Week 9/3/09: monologue)

The credit crunch is hitting home so hard that even Australian 6-year-olds are raising concerns. It’s even worse in America, where 6-year-olds have had to default on their mortgages.

Many kids are now imitating their dads: climbing to the top of the cubbyhouse and jumping off.

Several kids have had their pocket money cut, and others have been completely retrenched from their chores.

Kids are having to individually bargain with their parents for pocket money, with some even being retrenched. / laid off.

Kids are now getting a talk from their parents. “Sorry Sally, but we’re going to have to let you go.” / “Now Johnny, I know you’ve been with us for 8 years now, but we’re going to have to let you go.” / “I’m sorry Molly-Loo-lah, but we’ve had to make household cut-backs. We have to let you go.” / “I’m sorry Bobby Boo-bah, but we have to let you go. You’ve got until the end of the day to clear out your playroom.”

They’re worried that if the financial crisis gets any worse, they may be retrenched from school. / from being blackboard monitor.

Educators warn that children are picking up on the doom and gloom of the global financial crisis, and urge parents to talk to the kids about their fears, just to make sure. / just to drill it into them. / just to make sure they understand exactly how utterly abysmal things really are.

Parents are encouraged to talk to their kids and reassure them that the financial crisis is not the end of the world, and not nearly as scary as the boogieman.

They are getting new fairy tales, like “Little Red’s Riding Hood is Repossessed”, “The Three Stockbrokers Gruff” and “The Three Little Pigs are Foreclosed by the Big Bad Banker”. / and “The Frog Prince Applies for Centrelink Payments”. / and “The Frog Citizen.”

Even children’s books are facing cutbacks. Nowadays kids have to be happy with “Snow White and the 2 Dwarves” , “Goldilocks and the Single Bear”, and “The Pig.” / “The One Little Pig”.

Kids who were interviewed said that the global financial crisis was just due to the Onceler not listening to the Lorax.

Of course kids have naïve ideas about helping out with their savings of fifty dollars. Though that is now enough to buy a controlling interest in Channel Ten. / BHP.

You know kids are understanding the financial crisis too well when they’re asking for a pocket money stimulus package.

Kids as young as six seem to have an understanding of the global financial crisis. Which means they’re asking Mum what she’s spending the cash handouts on. / if they can have the cash handout.

Kids as young as six seem to have an understanding of the global financial crisis. They’re asking if they can buy a remote controlled car with the stimulus package. / And they’re asking when they’re allowed to open their stimulus package.

Kids as young as six seem to have an understanding of the global financial crisis. While our bankers just look blankly and shrug.

Kids as young as six seem to have an understanding of the global financial crisis. It’s just like monopoly, only the banker always wins. / only you can’t just quit the game. / only someone keeps rewriting the rules.

Some kids even said they were looking forward to the recession, especially afternoon recession. / though not as much as lunchtime.

When I was young, I thought a recession was when you ate play-lunch.

These first-graders are well-prepared for a recession. Just as soon as the bell goes.

Although many kids thought a credit crunch was a type of muesli bar that you had at morning recession.

One kid said she actually really liked the credit crunch, though she preferred credit violet crumble.

Some kids say they actually like the financial crunch. After remuneration ripple, it’s their favourite flavour. / Almost as much as chocolate ripple.

One six-year-old girl said she kept her money safe by keeping it inside a little piggy bank. Which is actually better advice than you’d get from the entire global financial system. / We could all have done with that advice last year! / Where was she when I was reassessing my stock portfolio? / Quick – someone give her a job as a financial advisor!

One six-year-old girl said she kept her money safe by keeping it inside a little piggy bank. If only the world’s economic leaders were as smart as a First-Grader.

To earn extra money for the household, many kids are now setting up lemonade stalls. Of course, the more business savvy ones are setting up pawnshops. / are just becoming loan sharks.

To prepare for the worst of the global financial crash, many kids have set up cushions underneath their piggy banks.

One six-year-old girl said she kept her money safe by keeping it inside a little piggy bank. If only she knew – her parents raided that weeks ago.

These poor kids. They’ll never get the joy of irresponsible, profligate waste that we had!

The kids are really feeling it. It’s not the same when the tooth fairy just leaves you a maxed-out credit card. / just leaves you a note that says “nice teeth”. / gives you monopoly money. / leaves a sparkly little IOU under the pillow.

The kids are really feeling it. Some of their parents have so little money now that they’re having to live on the kids’ make-believe tea parties.

One girl said bankers were not nice. And should be given detention.

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