Good News Week

Good Next Week (Good News Week 16/3/09: closing)

Tues, March 17
And tomorrow, once again the footpaths will be green with vomit for St. Patrick’s Day!

St. Patrick’s Day will see green beer, brewed entirely from renewable energy and old-growth forests.

Unfortunately, tomorrow’s Telstra Australian Swimming Championships will be put on hold.

The Telstra Australian Swimming Championships in Sydney – which is just a fancy name for chucking Sol Trujillo into the harbour.

Tomorrow’s Surf Life Saving Championships are under threat due to a dearth of volunteers willing to drown.

Wed, March 18
The Melbourne Queer Film Festival’s coming up. It’s a great festival, but most of the films are totally gay.

The Melbourne Queer Film Festival will feature movies about inflatable kiwi fruit, polished nerf and spherical ducks. How very queer.

This year’s Melbourne Queer Film Festival will get into trouble for discriminating against homophobics.

In Canberra, the hearing for the inquiry into immigration detention won’t hear a lot due to the witnesses’ sewn lips.

Wednesday’s hearing for the Inquiry Into Immigration Detention in Canberra gets off to shaky start when the speaker sews his lips together and is blasted with a high pressure water cannon.

The Federal Minister for Innovation will address the National Press Club, showing off a fancy piece of new technology called the “laser pointer”. / “world wide web”.

On Wednesday, the Federal Minister for Innovation will address the National Press Club. How very innovative of him. / On Wednesday, the National Press Club will be addressed by the Minister of Innovation, just like all the other ministers before him.

On Wednesday, the Federal Minister for Innovation will address the National Press Club, and, in a radical display of relentless innovation, will deliver a speech.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the “Causes Of Death 2007” report, finding more than usual due to the Bureau of Statistics.

Wednesday sees the Bureau of Statistics release their “Causes Of Death 2007” report, almost 2 years late. Someone’s gunna die for that!

Wednesday’s “Causes Of Death 2007” report from the Bureau of Statistics will go horribly wrong when the presenter drops the document and dies from full-body papercuts. But at least the “Causes of Death 2009” will be an interesting read! / That’s another line in “Causes of Death 2009”…

Dick Smith will turn 65, and yet his logo hasn’t aged a day. / his logo doesn’t look a day over 40.

Dick Smith will turn 65. The old Dick doesn’t get up much anymore. / Though these days the old Dick doesn’t get up to many adventures. / It’s been a while since the old Dick has had any adventures, eh?

Thurs, March 19
On Thursday, the inquiry into long-term management of the Murray-Darling will deliver the good news that in the future, the rivers are going to be more suited to planting crops in.

Thursday’s inquiry into the ban on smoking in cars with children will report that it’s a cruel practice unless you offer them one.

The inquiry into the ban on smoking in cars with children will report in Canberra, where porn, fireworks, and dope are legal. Seems like the pot calling the kettle black to me.

The inquiry into the ban on smoking in cars with children will report in Canberra, and will decide that it’s only okay if the cars are green-powered, the smoke is marijuana, and the children are politicians.

The Bureau of Stats will release the new car sales figures. Which suggests someone must have bought one.

And it’s Keukenhof time again in Holland! Woo! It should be Keukerrific!

And it’s Keukenhof time again in Holland! Just remember kiddies, if you’re going to take part in the festivities, take your Keuken hof. It can get a bit messy, and you don’t want to ruin your nice new keuken.

And once again in Holland, it’s the Keukenhof! The Keukenhof is when you strip down to your underwear and slur and drool while you try to eat a hamburger– no, hang on, sorry, that’s the HASSELhoff.

Sat, March 21
Qld. election, 6 months early, desperately trying to squeeze it in before the ALP’s lead evaporates.

Saturday sees Queenslanders vote, 6 months early, in a terrible case of premature election. A problem that could’ve been solved with a nasal delivery system.

The results of Saturday’s Queensland election will be called into question after the ALP are found to be using Anna Bligh-ic steroids.

Sydney’s Air Guitar Championships will have to be cancelled when a power-failure renders the air-Marshall-stacks inoperative. / when the venue loses its special supply of competition air-picks.

On Saturday Corey Worthington will turn 18! And we’re all invited!

Corey Worthington will turn 18, and reminisce about how much wilder kids were in his day.

Mon, March 23
It’s “Butt Free City” week – pull up those trousers, dammit.

“Butt Free City” week will cause serious depression for Sir Mix-a-Lot.

“Butt Free City” week will cause serious injuries as people try to walk around without a pelvis. / with nothing connecting their legs to their torso.

Greenhouse 2009 climate change conference will be held in Perth. All attendees get to take home a souvenir emissions cap.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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