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Glass House

Latham the Loony (The Glass House 28/9/05)

Psychologists have warned Mark Latham that he is at risk of suffering a mental breakdown. But how could you tell?

Latham has replied: “I’m not crazy. It’s everyone else who’s crazy!”

Latham has been criticised for blaming his mistakes on others. “I don’t blame other people – it’s them that does all the blaming!”

Latham has come out with tales of his ex-wife’s lesbian antics and sexual smear campaigns throughout Parliament. I reckon he should ease the sleaze…

Latham has blamed the editors for changing what he wrote to make him seem crazy. “That’s the last time I trust my editing to space-dwarves from Lemuria 5.”

“I’m not crazy! Now excuse me, I’m going back up my magic ladder to the Palace of Opportunity!”

Latham says that his biggest regret was taking a puff on a joint in Parliament House in 1994. “I was perfectly sane before then!”

Apparently Parliament House is “full of pot smokers”, the caucus is “infested wth sewer rats”, and Latham’s first wife was a “gargling squid on a unicycle”.

Latham said, “Parliament’s full of pot smokers. They’re everwhere – everywhere!” (flapping arms around) “Get em off me!”

“Parliament’s full of pot smokers,” said Latham. (conspiratorial whisper) “They live in the rafters and feast on human brains!”

That‘s why the backbenchers are always nodding off…

It turns out that the whole time he was in Parliament, Latham thought he was in a zoo on the planet Tralfamadore. He was going to use his “ladder of opportunity” to escape…

“Well, if speaking honestly is crazy, then maybe I am crazy. And if receiving radio messages from Sirius in your fillings is loony, then maybe I’m loony.”

Apparently he’s angry and depressed about being who he is. But, considering he’s Mark Latham, I’d say being angry and depressed would be the only normal response.

Latham told Andrew Denton that his handshake with John Howard on the final day of the election campaign actually boosted his ratings with the voters. And that cab driver was really grateful to get his arm broken, too.

Latham told Andrew Denton that his handshake with John Howard on the final day of the election campaign actually boosted his ratings with the voters. That’s why he’s Prime Minister to this very day!

“I am PM!” said Latham. “And my wife’s the Queen!”

In his diaries he claimed his wife was “savage and psycho” – sounds like they’d have been a perfect match…

In his diaries he claimed his wife was “savage and psycho” – SNAP!

Jeff Kennett has said that he thinks Latham may suffer from mental illness. Latham replied, “What would Kennett know about mental illness? He’s just head of some mental illness group – whereas I am mentally ill!”

“What would Kennett know about mental health? He’s only spent years as the head of Australia’s leading mental health group – whereas I’m LATHOR, Lord of Mental Health!”

Latham says: “You’d have to be crazy to see a psychiatrist!”

He’s not really crazy – it’s all free advertising for his book. “Mark Latham’s gone completely mad!”

He’s not really mad – just publicity mad!

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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