Good News Week

Rudd’s Shit-storm (Good News Week 16/3/09: What’s the Story)

Kevin Rudd has created a political shit-storm by appearing on TV and uttering the phrase “political shit-storm”.

Huh! Sounds like someone’s trying to cash in on the Underbelly phenomenon.

It really is the only way you can compete with Underbelly. Really? Shit!

You can swear on TV? No-one told me…

He’s opened the floodgates. Now everyone on television is going to think they can say that kind of shit and get away with it. / think they can get away with saying “shit” on air.

But you can’t say that kind of shit on air without getting yourself into deep shit.

And it’s got terrible flow-on effects: to report it properly, all the newspapers are now printing “shit”, which means ordinary people are forced to read “shit”. Or as we call it, “MX”.

Just to report on it properly, I have to say “shit” on national television. And you know how much I hate naughty words.

It may be the only time he’s sworn on national telly, but believe me, behind closed doors the Vovos really fly.

And I’ve never heard such prim and proper swearing in my life.

Behind closed doors, Rudd swears like a trooper. Trooper Sheen. / A neat, fastidious, well-spoken, anally-retentive, bespoke-tailored trooper. / immaculately suited trooper.

So Rudd’s given the Prime Ministerial seal of approval to “shit”, though he’s still disapproving of words like “felch”, “sprog”, and “crunt-munching spuck-funker”. / “kransky”. / “pauline”. / “recession”.

Well, it was either say “shit” or “recession”. / Rudd’s just glad he didn’t accidentally say “recession”.

He said that it was a good honest mistake. A thoroughly-researched, demographically-targeted, politically-motivated, good honest mistake.

He has vowed never to say it again, and will from now use the term “shizzle”. / “shiznit”.

He has vowed never to say it again, and will from now use the less-offensive term “arse-treacle”. / “rectum-eggs”. / “pucker-mud”.

So Rudd’s given the Prime Ministerial seal of approval to “shit”, although he’s still disapproving of terms like “recession” and “environmental responsibilty”.

Saying “shit” was bad enough, but the audience really took offense when he pissed all over the hosts.

The whole thing’s a misunderstanding. Mr Rudd actually said “TIT-storm”.

So Rudd’s been drunk at a strip-club, and he swears on TV. Next he’ll be rocking up to press conferences in a blue singlet and stubbies. / budgie-smugglers. / with a pack of Winnie Reds rolled up in the sleeve of his AC/DC tee-shirt. / with a six pack of bourbon and coke, smoking a Winnie Blue.

It wasn’t Rudd’s swearing that really got to people – it was the browneye.

He denies he’s playing politics with his selective use of swearing, and that he’s really just an average Joe-Blow fair dinkum true blue aussie battler who’s done the hard yards and at the end of the day speaks the way regular Aussies do, stone the bloody crows ya mongrel.

Malcolm Turnbull has said that he’s just as Aussie as Rudd, heavens to Betsy.

Rudd has since apologised for the slip, saying he was “fucken sorry”.

But Rudd’s always swearing. If it’s not “pass the bloody Iced Vovos” it’s “make me another cuppa tea ya cunt”.

Rudd’s always swearing. “Turnbull”’s a swear word, isn’t it?

He has vowed never to say it again, and will from now use the term “Turnbull”.

(I can see it catching on, actually. “Now that’s absolute Turnbull!” “Watch out, you’ve stepped in some Turnbull.” “You need a shower, you stink of Turnbull.” “I stuck my hand up a cow’s arse and ended up covered in Turnbull”.)

I’d rather hear him say “shit” than ever hear a politician say “the reality is” one more time.

The crowd of obese middle-aged women even applauded his swearing. They briefly thought they were at an RSL comedy night.

The swearword garnered a round of applause from the crowd, and even woke most of them up.

Of course it’s not the first time a politician has sworn in public. But only in Australia would he get a round of applause.

Finally he’s put something in terms we can all understand.

Even just thinking about debating with Turnbull makes him swear.

He just suffered a momentary blank and suddenly thought he was in Parliament.

But the comment got such a good reaction, other politicians are now feeling obliged to drop swear words into every press conference. It feels kind of inappropriate from the Minister for Education.

Oh no! If this kind of behaviour takes off, Parliament might become a house of abuse. / abuse and foul-language!

He now wants to be known as Kevin “Bloody” Rudd. / Kevin “Ruddy” Wilson.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

Leave a Reply