Good News Week

Shooting Blanks (Good News Week 23/3/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

The administrative head of the central Indian district of Shivpuri has offered to fast-track gun license applications for men who have vasectomies. They want to make sure you’re only shooting blanks.

Though once you get your gun, you’re not allowed any bullets.

If only Americans sterilised all their gun nuts too.

It makes sense – I mean, really, do you want gun nuts to breed?

And you don’t want to know what you have to do to get a bazooka.

So now the only nuts that can shoot are the guys with nuts that can’t.

And I guess fatal gunshot wounds are the ultimate form of birth control. / contraception. / sterilisation.

Apparently the area is full of armed bandits. But at least they won’t be having any bandit children. / little bandits of their own.

But of course they want guns. It comes from all those childhood years playing Indians and Indians.

Is that a gun in your pocket? Oh good, I’m out of condoms.

Many men want guns to protect themselves from the region’s notorious gang of bandits, like the Vasectomeanies.

And let’s face it, who needs to be fertile when you can just steal someone else’s baby?

Some newly sterilised men say they’ve been tricked, and haven’t received their promised license. If only they had guns to seek vengeance, or testosterone to rush to their heads.

After reading that article, my cats aren’t happy. They had the snip, and now they’re hassling me for firearms.

With over a billion people already in that tiny state, India ought to consider handing out vasectomies if you want to get bread and milk.

And heavy artillery is now only being issued by the knackery.

It’s the perfect deal for apocalyptic death-cults – get yourself sterilised, then go out and make sure no-one else breeds either.

Or if you want your gun license really urgently, you can shoot off your balls. / just punch yourself in the knackers.

So now gun nuts are going nuts to lose their nuts.

They’d rather be working with gun nuts than have guys with working nuts.

The plan is that, by the time you get your gun, you won’t have the balls to use it.

Seems a lot of Indian men are willing to swap their tool for a weapon.

It’s one way to ensure that before you give someone a phallic substitute, they really need it.

It’s a tough choice, whether you have kids or the means by which to protect them.

Women wanting to fast-track their gun license are encouraged to show they’re serious by having at least one abortion.

So now bandits can assure the ladies that they’ve taken precautions before they rape them at gunpoint.

Vasectomy levels have been dismally low, which has been a big problem in a district with so much armed rape. / The deal’s an excellent way of reducing pregnancies due to armed rape.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

Leave a Reply