Loss like death (Good News Week 23/3/09: Giving Headline)

A Victoria University study has found that Aussie rules fans can find an unexpected loss by their team as difficult as to deal with as a death. And a lot harder to deal with than their own death.

A Victoria University study has found that Aussie rules fans can find an unexpected loss by their team as difficult as to deal with as a death. Yes, they’re really that shallow. / mentally disturbed.

A Victoria University study has found that Aussie rules fans can find an unexpected loss by their team as difficult as to deal with as a death. And an unexpected death of one of their favourite players actually can hospitalise them. / can actually cause their heads to explode.

Some fans said it was like Nam. Except that it was just a buncha guys kicking a ball around. For God’s sake, grow a pair, son.

Some fans said it was like Nam. Except that instead of having their friends blown apart and watching children running around on fire, it was just a bunch of guys kicking a ball around. But otherwise, totally the same.

Some fans said it was like Nam. Except there were no explosions, or gunfire, or death. Or warfare, or bombings, or any sort of actual danger. Although, some of the pies did look a little old.

Some fans said it was like Nam. Especially when they decided to strafe the opposition.

Fans even likened the condition to that of war, creating traumatic flashbacks. Although not they’re not flashbacks of gunfire, napalm and screaming – they’re flashbacks of cold pies, scarves, and Mexican waves. The horror! The horror.

Fans even likened the condition to that of war, creating traumatic flashbacks. Particularly if their star full-forward was called Johnny… Johnny!

Nooo! Johnny! Johnny hit the post!

After particularly painful losses, some fans end up suffering horrible flashbacks. But then no-one’s begging them to go back to the football.

After particularly painful losses, some fans end up suffering traumatic flashbacks when they go to the footy. So DON’T GO.

One Western Bulldogs fan said it was impossible to see a game at the MCG without getting horrible flashbacks… similar to Vietnam vets with low flying choppers. Although traumatised Vietnam vets don’t tend to go back to Nanking to get strafed every weekend. / to get re-strafed.

Some footy fans described a loss as worse than a death. At least with a death, you get a trophy to put on the mantelpiece.

Some footy fans described a loss as worse than a death. And that’s true – when your loved ones die, you don’t have people cheering about it. / sticking posters about it up on their wall. / wandering the streets celebrating.

Proof, once and for all, that footy-heads are slightly retarded.

And if it’s a Grand Final loss, well frankly they’d rather you killed their family.

At least when someone dies they’re freed from the suffering of that kick after the siren that hit the post.

After all, there are upsides to death. It gives you a new patch of turf to play kick-to-kick.

Sports studies lecturer Dr Matthew Klugman said that the tragic reaction followed a combination of faith in victory and signs that the faith would be realised. It’s similar to when you die – that blank nothingness can also really shatter your faith.

On the upside, at least Western Bulldogs fans are well-prepared for death. / On the upside, after last year’s grand final, Geelong fans are prepared to deal with their family being massacred.

The trauma can remain unhealed for years afterwards, with many fans dealing with big losses by looking forward to the next big win. It’s like dealing with a close friend’s death by looking forward to the day they rise from the dead. (Which is exactly the way Jehovah’s Witnesses deal with it.)

The trauma can remain unhealed for years afterwards, with many fans dealing with big losses by looking forward to the next big win. Otherwise known as “pokies syndrome”.

The trauma can remain unhealed for years afterwards, with many fans dealing with big losses by looking forward to the next big win. Which is always bad news for fans of the Demons. / Eagles.

It’s just lucky these fans aren’t playing, or they might turn into full-on psychos. You know, like Ben Cousins. / Wayne Carey.

If this is how it affects the fans, no wonder Ben Cousins needs the odd night on the drugs.

Indeed, many footy fans are so depressed that they have to blot out the pain with vast quanities of self-medicated beer and bourbon, while some even try to end it all by trying one of the really old looking pies.

Many fans have horrible flashbacks, become anxious, or heavily depressed. But that’s what you get for snorting the Cousins’ Special. / for drinking from Ben Cousins’ punchbowl.

Actual Vietnam vets are warned not to go to the footy. Hear that siren, and before you know it you’re shooting down the police chopper.

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