Good News Week

Drumming Rulez OK (Good News Week 23/3/09: Giving Headline)

Researchers studying the effects of drumming believe a video game could boost the mental and physical health of everyone from troubled teens to unmotivated workers. Although not as much as actual drumming would.

Playing a video game to gain the benefits of drumming is a bit like improving your vocabulary by watching television. / is a bit like playing Halo to defend your country.

Not only does drumming keep you fit, but you score all the chicks.

Drumming is one of the best things you can to do keep healthy. As long as you’re not overdoing it on the cocaine and booze.

Rock-drumming can also really build self-esteem. Well, it’s either the drumming or the backstage cocaine.

Researchers have begun a new project of using a drumming video game to improve physical and mental health. Injecting speedballs is optional.

Playing the drumming video game shows an immediate increase in mental skills – you haven’t spent thousands of bucks on an actual kit.

Drumming gives you a workout comparable to being a professional footballer. Unless you’re that guy who just goes “bom bom bom bom bom” at the end of the theme from 2001. / Unless you’re in the tympani section.

Clem Burke, the drummer with Blondie, has been working with a British physiology lecturer and has shown that rock drummers burn as much energy as professional athletes. And they burn even more drugs!

Clem Burke, the drummer with Blondie, has been working with a British physiology lecturer. Looks like Debbie Harry’s got the flick.

Drumming’s great for keeping you mentally agile too. Is it “boom” next, or “tish”? / You have to keep track of whether it’s “boom” or “tish” next.

Beating the drumskins keeps you physically fit, while your brain is stimulated by the high tishies of the metal plate things.

Drumming can really improve your mental health. I mean, not many other people can tell a crotale from a belltree.

Drumming does improve the mood of unmotivated workers, but unfortunately once they’re back at the call centre, it plummets straight back down again. / but going back to work ruins it again. / but only when they pretend the snare drum is the boss’s head.

Drumming is excellent exercise for troubled youths, and makes them much more likely to triumph in their next street-fight.

It’s an excellent program for ensuring that troubled youths are fit, muscly and armed with a pair of pointy sticks.

In the six months since the project’s launch, many young people who had taken the drumming therapy experienced increased self-esteem. Although all that good work can be undone by just one well-chosen drummer joke.

Many troubled teenagers were thrilled to be thumping away with Blondie’s drummer. Although most would rather be banging the singer.

It’s great to see them giving disengaged youth some practical skills before they get back in the dole queue with all the other drummers.

It’s nice that it improves their fitness, but in practical terms if young people want a career in music, they should stick to the drug-dealing.

Of course, one of the benefits of using an actual drum kit over a drum kit machine is that you can play actual music. Just sayin’.

Drumming can improve your fitness and self-confidence, while playing the tambourine just makes you look like a dickhead.

Soon we’ll be hearing all the meatheads at the gym talking about their paradiddles and flams.

Unfortunately, the same health effects aren’t seen when using a drum machine.

Of course, being a video game, it only simulates the experience of being drummer, without the substance addiction, cancer and tinnitus. But they’re the best bits!

Let’s face it, most rock drummers do resemble top quality athletes. Well they would if you dressed them in lycra.

At last, a way to get a decent workout without compromising your grimy smackhead lifestyle.

On stage, Burke’s heart averages 145 beats a minute and peaks at 190, making it a workout comparable to playing professional football. And also really stuffing up his timing.

Not only does it keep you physically and mentally fit, the video game allows you to destroy dozens of zombies with a single paradiddle.

Though unlike real drums, the video game doesn’t help improve your social life. And there are no groupies.

Though unlike playing real drums, when you complete a massively difficult solo on the video game, no-one cheers, there are no teens screaming adulation, and you’re still alone.

Though unlike playing real drums onstage in a band, no-one really cares. You are still a lonely lonely nerd.

Though unlike real drums, the video game is best played solo.

Singers are disappointed. They really thought that flouncing around with a microphone was really toning up their abs.

And of course, no-one’s done a study on bass-players yet. The scientists forgot they were there.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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