Glass House

Libs Ban Antisocialism (The Glass House 12/10/05)

The Victorian Liberal Party are banning anti-socialism. Hang on, does that make them socialists?

They’re banning anti-social behaviour. The Anti-Socialist Alliance is furious.

Liberal leader Robert Doyle reworded the new proposal so that behaving like a twat is still allowed. Hard to lead a political party from jail.

They need it as a tool when “they can’t get the evidence to get someone to court”. Basically, a way to arrest people without any actual charges… or even an actual crime.

With the ALP government introducing draconian new police laws, the Libs felt that they had to go one better. “Come on,” said Doyle. “We’re meant to be the ones waging war on civil liberties – you’ve left us nowhere to move! And that means we’re guilty of loitering now!”

The Police Association secretary slammed the idea, saying it would be like “hitting people with the back of a wet tram ticket”. Which will now also be an offence.

It’s aimed at “nuisance behaviour” of “young people”. New offences include “wearing way too much makeup”, “public pashing”, “writing the names of bands on pencil cases” and “being under 18 in a public place”.

Police have an “inability to deal with thugs”. Especially thugs who aren’t breaking any laws.

It’s going to be a crime to burp, fart or smell of parmesan cheese. And don’t you even think about wearing those shoes.

Farting is also punishable by six months solitary confinement. Offenders will be captured using sophisticated surveillance techniques and the principle of “he who smelt it, dealt it”.

If the Libs are so hell-bent on attacking young people, what are the Young Liberals going to do? Now when they get pissed and sing “Bash The Abbo”, it could be considered antisocial!

But who determines “anti-social”? For example, sitting around abusing people might be acceptable in some places, but might be considered “anti-social” once you get out of Parliament.

Loitering is to be outlawed. Not allowed to wait for a train any more; it’s “loitering near public transport”.

Loiterers suck. My grandpa had a massive loiter growing out of his neck… gross.

Prank calls are also to be outlawed. After his automated phone call election campaign, finally there’ll be a reason to arrest John Howard!

Prank calls are also to be outlawed. Doyle said, “Bart Simpson is going down. Have a cow at that, man.”

Prank calls are also to be outlawed. If you call up and ask for Roger Mebunghole, you’d better have called the real Mebungholes.

The Government has already introduced anti-hoon driving legislation. It’s illegal to have mags, GT stripes, or extra-phat subwoofers.

The proposed law is based on a British system which has outlawed anti-social behaviour including wearing hoodies in shopping centres. If you want to go shopping in the cold, now you’ve just gotta wear your balaclava.

In Britain the laws have already been used to charge a man whose only offense was repeatedly playing “Do They Know It’s Christmas”. He’s had to swap to “We Are The World”.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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