Good News Week

Mini-You (Good News Week 23/3/09: monologue)

A Japanese toy company is tailor-making robotic Mini-Mes which replicate your appearance and even your voice. Great as a conversation starter, to freak out your friends, or to send out to do your evil bidding!

Because, deep down inside, doesn’t everyone want a creepy robot that looks just like you?

A robo-mini-me. I never thought I’d see the day. / At last. / Technology finally reads my mind. / Science finally answers my prayers.

You’d never believe it, but all of our guests tonight are actually robots. They’re not bad jokes – they’re just malfunctions.

The toys are extremely popular, especially amongst lazy ventriloquists.

The machines also replicate the sound of your voice. Because a miniature robot that looks like you just isn’t creepy enough.

Finally, the conversation-piece you can have a conversation with.

And for the miniature robot version of you, you can buy extra tiny robots that look and sound just like THEM.

The robots are perfect companions, even though they’ll never know the true meaning of love.

It sounds great, but if it can’t shoot green laser rays out of its eyes, I don’t want one.

But I don’t want a smaller version of me! I want a giant version of me that can shoot death rays out of its eyes!

And if you don’t want a robot replica of yourself, the company is offering a line of zombies.

And your Facebook friends will never know!

The robots feature your likeness and voice and come with a built-in computer and webcam. Ideal for keeping your Myspace and Facebook pages updated.

But you’ll need to order a full-size model if you want it to convincingly replace you at work.

So if you’re willing to fork out $3300, you’ll get a robot replica that not only looks and sounds like you, but is nearly as nerdy.

The company also offers the robots in bride and evil varieties.

And if you choose not to buy one, the company says they can’t guarantee that a robot replica of you won’t go on a mass rampage.

The machine learns to imitate your way of speaking by using complicated voice-recognition software. So, no matter how technologically-advanced the robot is, it still sounds like a weedy little nobody.

The company also offers a range of robot pets, and, for Australians, a robot opposition party.

The mini-me robots cost thirty-three hundred dollars each, though for a million bucks they’ll make you a complete army.

Even better are the Maxi-Mes, which are vastly superior at mercilessly crushing your foes.

They’d be great for picking up girls with if they didn’t look so much cuter than you.

Because who wouldn’t want to be just like Dr Evil? He’s such a success! / Because if there’s one person worth emulating, it’s Dr Evil.

And just like the original Mini-Me, the robots will become less and less amusing the longer they’re around.

Of course, what everyone will do as soon as they get their little mini-me home is dress it up in a little maid’s costume, cover it in whipped cream, and make sweet love it to it, as it whispers your name to you in your own voice. …or is that just me?

And it’s not at all sick and perverted to use one as a sex-toy, it’s really just a complicated form of masturbation.

The Mini-Mes come with 80 gigabytes of storage and a webcam, so you can even get them to collect memories for you.

Unfortunately while the robots walk and talk like you, they can’t actually move. There goes my plan of a month’s holiday.

Or for serious cases of unrequited love, why not get a mini-them?

The standard issue mini-mes are talking robots, but the executive model is actually a dwarf genetically grown to resemble you. It may sound like heartless barbarism, but it’s actually crushing enslavement.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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