Good Next Week (Good News Week 20/4/09: closing)

Mon, April 20
It’s been one year since the 2020 summit. Though with the Global Financial Crisis it’s now discounted to 19.95.

It’s been one year since the 2020 summit. And so far it’s achieved… um… anyone for a 2021 summit? / And all the great ideas will be up for discussion at the 2021 summit.

It’s been one year since the 2020 summit, and I’m sure it’s achieved summit.

It’s been one year since the 2020 summit, or as it’s now known, the 2020 plummit.

It’s been one year since the 2020 summit, and look what we’ve done – another year over, and the Endtimes just begun.

It’s been one year since the 2020 summit, and gosh, what a difference it’s made! Although we shouldn’t expect too much yet – 2020 is still eleven years away.

Tues, April 21
The Wiggles tour Sydney on Tuesday, unveiling their brand new songs about the financial crisis, “Sad Sad Daddy”, “No Bike For Me”, and “Mama Charges 50 Bucks An Hour”.

The Wiggles tour hits Sydney tomorrow, before heading towards Fitzroy, where for their gig at a local childcare centre they will be renamed Children’s Entertainment Outfit B-stroke-34.

Queen Elizabeth II will turn 83. Might be time to replace the picture on the back of the coins with a tiny, wrinkled prune.

Queen Elizabeth II will turn 83, which is nearly 12 in dog years. / in corgi years.

Queen Elizabeth II will turn 83. To celebrate, she’s going to give Harry a good clip around the ears. / she’s going to visit her favourite tunnel in Paris and just reminisce.

Poker machine manufacturer Aristocrat Leisure will hold its annual general meeting Sydney. Yeah, I bet they are.

Poker machine manufacturer Aristocrat Leisure will hold its annual general meeting Sydney. Should be a full house!

Poker machine manufacturer Aristocrat Leisure will hold its annual general meeting Sydney. Refreshments include cherries and lemons, though you may get stuck with a BAR.

Poker machine manufacturer Aristocrat Leisure will hold its annual general meeting Sydney. You can bet those elections will be rigged in favour of the house. / All positions will be selected by a pull of a lever.

The Victorian Police Commissioner will be appearing tomorrow at the National Press Club in Canberra, as it’s the only place he’s not likely to be shot at.

The Victorian Police Commissioner will be at the National Press Club in Canberra – or, more accurately, will be wielding the National Press Club.

Tomorrow, the Victorian Police Commissioner will see the National Press Club, and use it to beat out a few confessions.

Tomorrow, the NSW Roads Minister will be at the Sydney Chamber Of Commerce, provided he successfully negotiates the Tollway of Evil and the Roadworks of Doom.

The Drug & Alcohol Research Centre will release new research on smoking tomorrow in a long, smooth, mellow presentation.

The Drug & Alcohol Research Centre will release new research on smoking. Apparently, it’s really really bad, but still not as bad as losing millions of dollars in tax revenue if we get rid of it.

The Drug & Alcohol Research Centre will release new research on smoking. According to the new findings, it makes you look really cool.

Wed, April 22
Wednesday is Earth Day – finally our planet gets its own day. / the only day of the year we need to give a shit. / the one day of the year we give respect to our world-mother, before going back to fucking her up the arse.

Wednesday is Earth Day. From Thursday on, it’s time to flee to other planets.

Michael Jackson’s memorabilia goes on auction on Wednesday, which ironically is Earth Day. Maybe Michael will even visit Earth for the occasion.

Michael Jackson’s memorabilia goes on auction in L.A. He expects to make a million dollars from his nose alone. / He plans on selling the moonwalk back to the aliens.

Michael Jackson’s memorabilia will be auctioned off on Wednesday, though he’s keeping the children.

Wednesday sees Cleo Bachelor Of The Year Awards in Sydney. Personally, I think I’m a shoo-in.

Wednesday is the Cleo Bachelor Of The Year Awards. It’s actually a bit of a mixed blessing; if he hooks up with anyone all year he’ll be stripped of the award. / he’ll be in disgrace.

Cleo’s Bachelor of the Year will be awarded to the most commitment-phobic sleazebag they can find.

The G8 environment meeting in Italy wil go so well, it’ll be renamed the GR8. / the GREAT.

The G8 environment meeting in Italy will determine that not all the world’s problems can be solved by using more garlic and mozzarella. Mama mia!

Italy plays host to the Environment Ministers from the G8, who’ll agree to cut their losses and flee the planet.

On Wednesday, the Federal Cabinet will meet the public in Perth. Possibly the most uninteresting sentence I’ve ever said.

On Wednesday in Perth, the Federal Cabinet meets the public. And just in time for rotten tomato season.

The final of Miss Universe Australia will admit she thought that “The Universe” was a Bondi café.

The final of Miss Universe Australia will take place in Sydney, much to the chagrin of the Qusians of Gernox IV.

On Wednesday, a U.S. presidential historian will give a lecture on Barack Obama, covering the years 2009 to the present.

On Wednesday, a lecture on Barack Obama will be given by a U.S. historian in Sydney. Little does he know, it’s not actually history yet – it’s still THE PRESENT. / it’s HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

Thurs, April 23
The ANZ Bank will announce its half year results with a half-arsed rate cut.

On Thursday, the Bureau Of Statistics will release a graphical representation of the regional population growth figures, or as they prefer to call it, “the bumpkin pie”. / “the bumpkin pie chart”.

The Bureau Of Statistics will release the regional population growth figures, though in actual fact these days it’s more a measure of shrinkage. / The Bureau Of Statistics will release the regional population growth figures. Although when they’re that small, they’re usually called the “shrinkage” figures. / it’s not called “growth”, it’s called “shrivelling”.

Sat, April 25
Saturday is Anzac Day, when we celebrate all the soldiers who bravely gave their lives to allow us to eat honey and oat biscuits.

Saturday is Anzac Day. And despite the fact all the Anzacs are dead, we will remember them so long as we get the day off.

Saturday is Anzac Day. And at the going down of the sun, and in the morning, we will remember that it’s the traditional clash between the Bombers and the Maggies at the G.

Saturday is Anzac Day. Or as it’s known in Turkey, Dead Anzac Day.

Saturday sees another glorious Anzac Day, when we remember something or other, I think it’s about old people shooting each other, not sure, I wasn’t paying attention.

Sun, April 26
Pope Benedict will canonise 5 new saints. BANG!

Pope Benedict will canonise 5 new saints. About time Hitler got properly recognised.

Pope Benedict will canonise 5 new saints. They are Dal Santo, Montagna, Gram, Fisher and Gilbert. GO SAINTS!

The 2009 BMX National Championships will be held in Perth, as most other places have moved on to cars by now.

Sunday is the BMX National Championships in Perth, and the local hospitals will be preparing for an influx of patients with popped monos.

Sunday is the BMX National Championships in Perth, quite possibly the most exciting thing that has ever happened there.

The Melbourne International Jazz Festival will begin, meander along aimlessly for a while, then end, unnoticed by the vast majority of the population. (Just like jazz itself.)

The Melbourne International Jazz Festival will begin, with a keynote address. The keynote will be F#. / The Melbourne International Jazz Festival will open with a keynote: F#.

The Melbourne International Jazz Festival will kick off, with a far less sticky opening night than the International Jizz Festival. Ahem. Sorry, couldn’t think of anything else very funny. Other than the “Jatz Festival”, which you’ll certainly agree is also not very funny. The “Spazz Festival” also crossed my mind, but also doesn’t seem to be all that hilarious. Ho hum. Maybe you can make something funny from these things. Or maybe not.

Mon, April 27
South Africa National Day will be a celebration for all South Africans, be they Kaffirs, bleck bastards or white pricks.

On Monday the U.N. conference on racism in Geneva is expected to be an anti-Israel hate fest. But then they’re a religion, not a race. Aren’t they? No wonder they get into so many fights.

Monday’s U.N. conference on racism will involve many speakers involved in current cultural conflicts – although many of the people blown apart in the Gaza strip will be unavailable for comment.

Australian Fashion Week will kick off in Sydney, giving designers a great chance to do something ever-so exciting with green and gold material, and try out all their most daring takes on the Akubra.

In tribute to the Global Financial Crisis, Australian Fashion Week will show the return of the Hessian sack. Sack is the new black!

Next Monday is the start of the Sydney Comedy Festival. It’ll be just like the Melbourne one but with more drugs, gays and harbour views.

The Sydney Comedy Festival will open on Monday. It’ll be great, but not as great as certain other comedy festivals… / but compared to THIS festival, will just look like a bunch of prancing yuppies faffing on about the price of coke.

The Wiggles tour Newcastle, the home of hard breakcore and experimental noise music. Should go down a treat! / They’ll be pulling out some of their more hardcore numbers, including “It’s Fun To Dance At 655 Beats Per Minute” and “Wake Up Jeff, Dorothy’s Snorting All Your Speed”.

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