If at first you don’t plummet to your death… (Good News Week 20/4/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

A 22 year-old Russian man survived two consecutive leaps from a fifth-floor balcony with only minor cuts and bruises. If at first you don’t sui-ceed, try, try again…

He jumped the second time because his wife was telling him off about the first time. And the first time, she was telling him off about the time he shot himself in the face to get out of the washing up.

He says he’s learned from his mistake, and has resolved that next time, he’ll throw his WIFE out the window.

It’s not the first time he’s tried to kill himself when he’s pissed – normally he plays Russian Roulette. Or as it’s known over there, “Roulette”. / “Normal Roulette”. / “Regular Roulette”. / “Portuguese Poker”.

He may have lost the will to live but at least he still had the zest for death.

Alexei Roskov said he jumped the second time because he couldn’t take his wife’s nagging about the first time. She’s a real catch. Which is why jumping didn’t work.

But his wife had good reason to give him a blast after the first jump. The guy’s so useless he can’t even kill himself properly.

When he survived the first fall, he crawled back up to the apartment only to find his wife waiting for him, hands on her hips, asking if he was born in a tent, it’s FREEZING out there, if you’re going to kill yourself at least shut the window on the way out, and you can’t even kill yourself properly, I should’ve listened to my mother and found a good honest man who can at least do himself in – and so he jumped again.

He says his wife’s nagging was actually just the last straw. The real reason he jumped was that he was out of vodka.

Before he jumped, he downed three bottles of vodka. Which is the only reason he survived the 15 metre drop – he says the pink elephants broke his fall.

Of course, the main factor that saved the man’s life was that the couple live above a trampoline factory.

He’s told his wife that next time he attempts suicide he’s not even going to aim for the bouncy castle.

The only reason he attempted the jump in the first instance was it seemed the quickest way to stop her nagging him to put the bins out.

After three bottles of vodka, taking the bins down the stairs does sound like a lot of unnecessary work.

She wouldn’t stop nagging him to take out the bins. And after three bottles of vodka, stairs seemed like a needless complication.

After the first jump, his wife nagged him to the point of jumping again. She wasn’t nagging about his suicide attempt, just that he’d forgotten the recyclables.

Before he jumped out of the kitchen window, he downed three bottles of vodka. I’m actually impressed that, after three bottles of vodka, he was ABLE to leap out of the kitchen window.

He’d already downed three bottles of vodka. So it was surprising he was able to jump at all. / So really he’d cheated death thrice!

He’s now a teetotaller, so that next time he jumps his body won’t be so loose and shock-absorbing.

The man is only 22, and has so much to live for. There’s vodka, nagging, jumping out of windows – the list goes on!

Their marriage is much better now. His wife’s now has a great respect for his dedication to doing a job properly, an admiration for his total lack of fear, and a newfound appreciation for his shock-absorbency.

He had to jump, really. The vodka-driven self-immolation just wasn’t working.

Next time, Alexei, please remember, fire is your friend.

At least his wife called an ambulance before nagging him back out the window. The siren broke his fall. EE-AW-EE-AW-OOOOF!

The man says he’s now a teetotaller. So at least the nagging worked. / worked eventually.

The medics were amazed to find that he was only suffering minor cuts and bruises, where he’d tried to rip off his ears.

Their marriage is much better now. He may have leapt out of a window twice, but rather than falling to his death, he fell back into love. Awwww.

He says he survived because, halfway down, he realised there was still another bottle of vodka left.

He’s now vowed to give up drinking. Though, really, he should also give up hurling himself out of windows.

He’s now vowed to give up drinking. But he refuses to give up throwing himself out of windows. What a rush!

He claimed to have jumped the second time due to his wife’s nagging about the first time. But actually, he was just so pissed he was loving the rush!

He jumped the second time due to his wife’s nagging about the first time. After all, what was the worst that could happen?

He says that next time he jumps to his death, he’s going to to disconnect the bungy cord. / He was so pissed, he forgot to disconnect the bungy cord!

Alexei says he’s now a teetotaller, instead of just a totaller.

His wife Yekaterina – Yak for short – watched in horror as he hurled himself out of their kitchen window. Didn’t he know they had a lift?

Yekatarina was really getting on his nerves. She was always yekkity-yekkity-yek.

Lucky the ambulance got him when they did. He had no problem with the fall, but another haul up five flights of stairs might have killed him.

It was lucky the ambulance got him when they did, or he would’ve hauled himself up five flights of stairs for some more abuse.

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