Boredbrand (Good News Week 20/4/09: A Thousand Words)

The Prime Minister has announced a $43 billion plan to bring super-fast internet to the entire country. That’s right folks, we just need to spend $43 billion and we’ll have the fastest porn in the world!

Of course with the government’s internet filter in place, we’ll have the fastest access in the world to the smallest range of content!

The new broadband system envisaged by the Prime Minister will make it possible to download a movie in 20 seconds. He’s the kinda guy that, when he wants to see “Alice’s Adventures in Anal-land”, he wants to see it NOW.

The new broadband system envisaged by the Prime Minister will make it possible to download a movie in 20 seconds. And, if you watch it in quadruple-speed, it will only take you half an hour to watch – at this rate, we can watch every movie ever made by Christmas!

The new broadband system envisaged by the Prime Minister will make it possible to download a movie in 20 seconds. It’s perfect – you can have downloaded a whole new movie in the time it takes for you to need a new tissue. / in the time it takes to zip up your pants.

43 billion dollars will be spent on speeding up the nation’s internet. Rudd’s says he’s not sure how we’ll make the money back, but he’s heard there’s a real future in online poker. / he’s heard that you can make big bucks just by answering online surveys! / but at long last he might be able to make some money in movie piracy. / but a good start would be if we all become movie pirates.

90 percent of homes, schools and workplaces will get cable broadband speeds of up to 100 megabits per second, while the remaining 10 percent will get jet-propelled pigeons. / will get a rocket-powered fax.

90 percent of homes, schools and workplaces will get cable broadband speeds of up to 100 megabits per second. The other ten percent will be stuck with the bush telegraph. / the grapevine.

90 percent of homes, schools and workplaces will get cable broadband speeds of up to 100 megabits per second. Which is about the speed at which we all forgot who Brendan Nelson was.

Once the network’s up and running, you’ll be able to download a movie in 20 seconds, which is still probably longer than the length of time they spent on the premise.

Before the election, Mr Rudd promised the Australian people a “fibre-to-the-node” broadband network. He has now revised that statement, saying that, although he’d love to provide a “fibre-to-the-node” network, he doesn’t have any idea what it is.

Before the election, Mr Rudd promised the Australian people a “fibre-to-the-node” broadband network. He has now come out saying that, although he still thinks it was a great goal, the nation’s actually run out of decent nodes, the cost of node-fibre is at an all time high, and that, to tell the truth, he doesn’t have any idea what he’s talking about.

Rather than the proposed fibre-to-the-node network, they’re now proposing a fibre-to-the-home network, since they discovered hardly anyone lived in nodes. / lived in nodes these days.

Rather than the proposed fibre-to-the-node network, they’re now proposing a fibre-to-the-home network. They say they were convinced are reading many angry blogs about the proposal, which they have now deleted. Or as a spokesman has said, they “wiped their blogged nodes”.

Of course the proposal may have difficulty passing the Senate with the Coalition opposed to it and Steve Fielding believing email is evil. / only able to receive the draft legislation by fax.

The Coalition has refused to commit to completing the network if they took power, meaning that a Coalition Government may well provide the fastest web access in the world to sewer rats.

The opposition has said they will not support the broadband scheme. They said there is no reason to support a fast internet while we still have a perfectly good telegraph system. / while there are still perfectly decent homing pigeons. / while we still have an underutilised morse code system. / while we still have such an efficient postal system.

It may mark the end of TV as we know it. Awwwwww. Such a shame – it’s all such excellent quality!

It may mark the end of TV as we know it. I guess we’ll have to go without humiliated fat people, cheap soap-operas and people shouting at us to buy their carpets. Such a shame.

The plan may spell doom for home phones, with people instead switching to internet services. And your technophobic granny is sadly going to be completely cut off from the outside world. Her fault. / Should’ve kept up with times, eh? / We’ll show her the good old days.

Experts suggest that the broadband plan provides a major threat to regular TV stations. So when they turn the analogue TV signal off in 2013, might as well turn the digital off too.

The Coalition came out opposed to the broadband plan. After all, they would’ve won the last election if it weren’t for those pesky internets. / Not only will it be costly, but it runs a real risk of making Australians better informed.

With the plan likely to make the copper-wire telecommunications system redundant, Telstra are appalled at the proposal. How much better it was when they were simply barred from proposing to build the network!

Despite having bid for the rights to build the broadband network, Optus were pleased with the announcement. After all, it still gives them someone else to blame when things go wrong. / After all, the last thing they wanted to become was Telstra.

Great, so now the only way to watch TV or make a phone call is going to be with your browser crashing and pop-up windows.

To compete, free-to-air television is going to start broadcasting less news and soap-operas, and more fisting dwarves. / more live teenaged 3-on-one action.

Newspapers will be unaffected by the high-speed internet. No-one reads them already.

Unfortunately it’ll take eight years to build the broadband network. By which time the Internet will probably have been replaced by the brainwave web. / Which would be OK, except that eight years ago Rudd hadn’t even used the Internet.

Unfortunately it’ll take eight years to build the broadband network. By then, the idea of using cables to transmit data will seem like trying to use penny-farthings to transport elephants. / By then, we’ll be shifting data with our MINDS.

The plan allows the Government to reacquire the means of telecommunication transmission. But that makes the whole selling of the wholesale arm of Telstra look like some sort of pointless warped anti-competitive shemozzle. Why didn’t anyone tell us earlier?

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